


Worlds Orbiting

by brandileigh2003



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Awkward Boners, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkward with the force, Awkwardness, Before Kylo Ren, Ben Solo Gets a Hug, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo Pain Train, Ben Solo has no chill, Bullying, Complete, Cutting, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Force Bond (Star Wars), Give me Grace, HEA, Han gives a sex talk, I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS, I want ben solo to give me a hug, I'm not picky, In Universe, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Masturbation, Pain Train, Poe has eyes for everyone, Poe is a flirt, Questionable suicide attempt, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Rule of Cool, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Star Wars Universe, Suicidal Thoughts, The Force Ships It, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), author is new to fandom, ben solo gives a hug, canonverse, han is a laserbrain, i love to embarrass ben solo, no ben breasts don't grow overnight, or adam driver, someone take these tags away from me, until they catch on fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 83,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22903600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandileigh2003/pseuds/brandileigh2003
Summary: Rey and Ben Solo meet on Jakku and the force connects them. Are their worlds meant to orbit each other or are they on a course to crash? Will the dark seduce them or will their light and love be enough to overcome?Complete. Canonverse with an alternate timeline (pre-kylo Ren and destruction of the temple)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 174
Kudos: 108





	1. Rey: new arrival

**Author's Note:**

> Stretching my star wars legs. I've never written in this fandom, or any fanfic to be honest. I've read plenty of twilight as well as recently lots of reylo. Forgive me if I don't get details right, I have only watched the movies in the last year.

The desert sand was not forgiving. Rey wiped her brow squinting to see how far it is from the starship she’s on to her speeder and decided to haul the parts in two trips. Even though she could do them at the same time, she was low on rations and desperately wanted a drink of water. Besides, there was not much of a hurry to get to Plutt and the outpost. She’d just be waiting in line for longer than it would take for her to make the two trips. Her parts weren’t that desperate for cleaning, a few minutes and they should be perfect for trading. 

Rey adjusted her staff on her back and hoped that she doesn't have to use it today. On good days, she doesn't. Rey had built up her reputation carefully so that the regulars in line with her knew her skill with the staff, and that she protected what she found. She worked alone. 

Others sometimes paired up to get at hard to reach or particularly heavy pieces, but her advantage lies in her small build, flexibility, and bravery. She could slide into places that others wouldn’t be able to and because of that Plutt didn’t shortchange her too much. Well, most of the time anyways. But she couldn’t very well raise her staff to him, so her options were limited when it came to exchanging portions for what she found. 

When she finally got the second armful loaded on the back of her speeder, she gave it a dark look, muttering that it better cooperate. She just changed the fuel line--it had been sputtering too much for her liking--since she doesn't want to lose her transportation, no matter how old it may be, it helped Rey get further than the others. Few of them had the ability to fix up anything they may find, much less be able to pilot. She got lucky about four years ago to find a display panel from a Y wing, and it helped Rey to study schematics and they even had flight simulation programs. She studied whenever the weather didn't cooperate or else at night when it's not safe to be out. She loved to learn about how languages are different and the same across species and planets. It also gave Rey an advantage when off-worlders come to do business with Plutt. 

The sun reached a low enough angle that at least she didn't have to squint on the way back but her stomach rumbled, her mouth was dry and Rey hoped that her calculations on the length of the line was correct because her bladder was uncomfortably full. But when she got into view, there were far more people crowded around the outpost than she would have expected and sped up a bit to see what the fuss was about. Maybe it was the trader who sometimes handed out those delicious treats that are called candy that fizz on your tongue. They were such a delight and the opposite from the bland portions that sustained Rey from day to day. 

As she got closer, Rey saw that it wasn’t a trader at all, but a woman dressed in white. Two men leaned against a post near her, one older and rugged, but it was the second that made her heart skip a beat. He met her eyes as she parked and grabbed her parts. His black hair reached past his ears and he had a haunted expression that softened when he winked at her. Then he turned back to face the woman. He had her nose and cheekbones so she figured it must be his mother. 

She just wondered why they were there, because Rey hadn't seen them before and their refined clothes didn’t fit in with the population of scavengers surrounding them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm playing with their ages and age gap since this is before the destruction of the temple and the creation of kylo ren persona.  
> Rey-18  
> Ben-21


	2. Ben's bunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of self harm, self pleasure.

Ben sighed and turned over on the small bunk. He at least had the room to himself with a private fresher. The Millennium Falcon was in hyperspace, about halfway to the middle of nowhere. His mom, Senator Organa was on some sort of mission in the outer rim, and she dragged him and dear old dad along with him. He thinks the only reason that “legendary Han Solo” agreed to come is the possibility of a job, smuggling something illegal, he’s sure. 

He heard the beginnings of an argument between his parents and grimaced. The true screaming hadn’t started yet but he knew to give it fifteen minutes. Then give it a few hours more and he’d wish that he could bleach his ears out because their inevitable makeup sex. Ugh. He hoped this argument wasn’t about him, but over half of them these days were. They always had been. They try to-- and think that they succeed-- at keeping their voices down, but they fail. And sometimes the force guided him into their heads whether he wanted to hear it or not. 

“ _ You know they don’t want you. Your parents wish you were a normal child and even the great and powerful Luke Skywalker can’t handle your outbursts. He fears you. But I can show you what you are missing. I can give you a family and a real home. Where you are wanted, where you are needed, and where your power is celebrated.”  _

His head ached but it hadn’t reached agonizing yet. The voice didn’t tell him anything he didn’t know or at least dread about his parents. But the power he wielded sometimes scared even himself. Light and dark, the extremes of both tugged and tore him apart. He wanted to smash something to pieces, he wanted to go and cry in his mother’s arms, but wasn’t sure if he’d be welcomed. He just wished that they would accept him. His mom used to hold him, whisper in his ears when his head felt like it was splitting open. She would try to help and calm him when he went into screaming fits of rage, breaking everything he could get his hands on. Han never responded in the moment, but after he would sometimes invite Ben to go work on a ship or shoot blasters. Ben had been refusing him more and more lately because of the side glances or the offhand comment about the force. Han didn’t understand it and especially when it came to Ben, he didn’t care to try. 

But the voice, it understood, it enticed him, it fed his passion, his rage, and it called to him. Sometimes he wanted to answer, and other times he would bang his head even though it already hurt badly until the voice would shut up. For the moment. Sometimes he’d even try to cut out the pain, he hid away blades and sliced in places that Leia and Han were unlikely to see. But that just seemed to make the voice smug. It wasn’t words, just a feeling. But it felt like something Ben could control and sometimes it relieved the ache. Just a little bit. 

“What did he do to make your brother send him away? He’s the one that thought he should be there training, that he could help his headaches and help him to deal with that stuff. The outbursts, the hurting himself…”

At Han’s words, Ben got up and stomped to the fresher. He slammed the door, and held his hands over his ears. Power welled in him and he directed it to the mirror. He hated what he saw, the ears too big for his head, the face that people taunted. The pieces fell in the sink and he waved a hand to turn the shower to scalding. Water ran over his face and while some of them might be tears, no one would ever know. 

Except him, and the voice, of course. 

A low pleasure coiled in his abdomen and he sighed. His hand would be the only one to touch him. The girls at the academy either looked at him with pity or fear in their eyes. Some of them whispered in voices they thought he couldn’t hear--or else didn’t care--about his ears, his hair-- which he’d admit looked crazy until the last few months. He’d been growing it out to cover said ears. He put thoughts of those girls aside, and thought of a nameless, blurry faced girl. One that would accept him, whose power matched his, and helped to bring balance, and soaped up his hand. It was mostly to help with the stress, he told himself. And if he groaned a bit, well, Han and Leia would never hear over the shower. Or their yelling as a matter of fact. 

He sped up and closed his eyes as the pleasure built and his thrusts grew erratic. He released on the wall with a groan and wished for someone to love him, to touch him, but resigned himself to his fantasies, sometimes holoporn when he wasn’t at the academy. Too many people to feel his lust, and look down on him more than they already did. He knew that others coupled up, but Luke and the other teachers discouraged this, as they discouraged attachments and passion. That is one reason that he didn’t want the light, he thought there’s nothing wrong with having someone to love, to balance, to make him stronger and to give his heart to. 

Maybe then the voice would leave him alone for good. 

He covered his ears since Han and Leia had moved on to the passion part of the evening. And he envied this part of their relationship. They could put apart their antagonistic relationship, their differences in lifestyle, and love each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you're interested and want me to continue. Its my 1st fanfic so any feedback is welcome!


	3. Rey: electric touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey is a little naive about sex. 
> 
> And there are sparks flying.

She couldn't believe that guy just winked at her. But it did funny things to the pit of her stomach. Ones she'd only felt when her thighs rub together and she had an urge to touch under her clothing. It felt okay when she did it, but she really didn't understand the end goal.

Of course there were other scavengers around, some were even guys around her age but Rey just never showed any interest in them. And they had never made her feel like this. She'd been way too busy scavenging parts to exchange for portions so that she could eat everyday.

She had seen that some scavengers team up. Often a male and female group but that too often ends in disaster. She'd seen people turn on each other when they're hungry and go as far as to disable or kill each other.

She was definitely not interested in that.

She'd also seen enough girls taken off planet when they were nice looking or showing interest in boys.

She also wanted nothing to do with that, because she would be afraid that she would miss her parents when they came back for her.

Rey also saw women get round and slowly die when they went home with a man

Death wasn't an option either.

Yet... she couldn't help but notice his eyes... The shape of his face and his toned body. He had broad shoulders and arms that looked strong. She wondered if she could ever have a friendship with someone like that but then she dismissed it because anything that distracted her from trying to get the best parts or from the lifestyle that she built would probably not be a good thing.

She got in line with her parts from today and she knew that they were nice parts. Good enough to get her a few days worth of extra portions. But sometimes it all depended on what Plutt's mood was on any given day. She couldn't turn down food or water today, Rey had felt light headed and when Rey spends her days climbing up destroyed ships that is not a good state to be in.

She could feel eyes on her. Rey developed a sense of when someone's watching her, because people have tried to take advantage of her. For that reason she trained with her staff and she knew how to defend herself. She reached behind her back and touched it reassuringly. She glanced back and saw that the new arrival on the planet was the one staring. She thought it had been him, but she could never be too careful. Her paranoia saved her life more than once and she can't let her guard down.

She wondered what they're doing here. They could be looking for parts or they might be looking for girls. They looked too refined for that but she saw others dressed that way, yet that's still all they wanted.

She had to watch her back, especially the way that the boy-No, he was definitely a man- was watching her. She heard the woman dressed all in white call out to the man watching her and his eyes finally stopped boring into the back of her head.

"Ben, this stuff is not going to unload itself. Get over here."

So that was his name, it fit him. And it also gave her a clue as to what they might be doing on her middle of nowhere planet.

Sometimes they got people on charity missions that set up a table of portions and water. Sometimes they would even set up a little classroom for the kids. Rey learned to read and write from holo vids but if she had any extra portions tucked away she would usually try to make time to come if there was a classroom. She figured that they might be able to add to her education or that she might be able to practice some of the languages that she learned.

There was a time when she was too proud to get in line and accept anything from someone other than Plutt. She knew then that she had worked for what she eats. And independence was one thing she could count on. But she no longer let her pride get in the way of anywhere an extra meal came from. The sand storms could rage for days and that was time that she couldn't scavenge and if she didn't have reserves, she also didn't eat..

She reached the front of the line and put her parts up for Plutt to examine.

"Three portions," he croaked.

"Five," she countered because she knew it was worth more but she also didn't want to push her luck or he would continue to low ball her in the future.

"Fine. But only because I like you," he answered.

She suppressed a shiver of disgust and grabbed the offered portions before he changed his mind. The table had been set up once Rey was done and she headed that way, tucking her portions in her satchel. There was already a line and she kept a wary eye out while dividing her attention. She ran a flight sim last night and aced it, so she ran though scenarios to make it harder. Maybe shutting down an engine. Or letting the fighters chase her further out into the canyons.

Once she reached the front of the line, Rey was standing in front of her admirer and his mouth turned up on one side. A half smile, half smirk. She schooled her face into indifference as she reached out for his offering. He held out ten portions with water to go with them and she couldn't help but notice it was more than her fellow scavengers got.

Her hand brushed his as he gave her the waters. She startled because it was like a lightning charge ran up her arm. Rey's eyes snapped up to meet his, unnerved and completely clueless as to what just happened. She saw the same confusion in his eyes and quickly jerked her hand away and slipped her haul into her bag.

Rey turned and walked faster than necessary to her speeder and forced herself not to look back.


	4. Ben's struggle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben is confused and I just want to hug him.

Ben watched as she walked away. He’d never felt anything remotely like that. He’d felt a hum when she first rode up to the outpost and knew that she was force sensitive, but now, even as the distance built he still had an awareness of her. 

When he came to his senses he realized that he was hard so he hunched over to try and hide. When he failed he turned on his heels and ran for the Falcon. 

_ Ben?  _ He heard his mom reach out to him through the force. He slammed a wall up to block her out, because who wants their mom being witness to sexual thoughts? He also wanted to mask the sea of confusion he felt. He didn’t want her to think anything else negative about him either, in case this was some sort of darkness pulling him in. He slid down the wall to the floor. He fisted his hair and mentally scanned the Jedi texts he’d read and every mention of some kind of connection through the force that felt like lightning running through his veins at just one touch. 

_ Go and find her. She is powerful and she can be turned to the dark, just like you. You could have an equal in the force. A partner.  _

He tried to erect a wall to block the voice. The last thing he needed was something else to confuse and muddle his thoughts. The strain of shoving out the voice sent a wave of agony through his head. It matched the lightning from the girl but that felt different, and it for sure didn’t cause him pain. 

Ben stood up and held on to the wall as he headed to his bunk, black spots dancing in his vision. When he slammed the door shut, he promptly vomited in the waste and let the blackness of pain wash over him. 


	5. Disturbance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate to beg, but if you're reading, a comment would be great. Even if its an emoji... So I know that I'm not writing to space :P

Ben woke up, not slowly but with a start, all at once. He jumped up out of bed and started running. Something was wrong. The force was pulling on him. Not in the way that the dark and slippery voice called to him and banged on his shields. But still in a way he knew that something was wrong. Something that he needed to see to, quickly. 

It was early morning, but the sun was already scorching. Leia was setting up the table and Han even carried some boxes. He blew by them, not paying attention to their calls. Ben didn’t know where he was going, but he ran across the sand regardless. His feet were burning since he hadn’t even bothered with shoes. 

He heard footsteps behind him and he glanced behind to see Han. 

“Ben, what on earth are you doing?”

He shouted back. “Something is wrong with her.”

“Her? Her, who? You’re bleeding and in your underclothes.”

“I don’t care. Keep up and shut up or go away,” he snapped. Ben could hear Han breathing hard. But he couldn’t spare a thought for that. He had to go. He could feel his mom pushing against his shields but he shoved her out, not wanting the distraction. 

“At least take my shoes. You’re leaving bloody footprints,” Han said, bending over and taking them off. 

Ben paused, considering. He  _ would _ probably be faster without his feet burning. He was unused to the heat. He put them on and continued to follow the tugging. He eventually came on a destroyed X wing and the pulling lessened. He scanned the ruins frantically for the girl but didn’t see her in any obvious place on the outside of the ship. So he climbed up the broken windshield and peered inside. There was sand everywhere, built up in dunes though there were tunnels and he wondered if the girl made them to get in and out. He waved his hands and the sand flew out of the ship in two streams around him, and he walked forward, looking all around for her. When he finally spotted her, her arm was wedged in a crevice, and it had her suspended in the air. Her head flopped to the side, and her eyes were closed. 

Ben knew she was alive instinctively. He could see the rise and fall of her chest. He was now faced with the problem of how to get her down without hurting her further. He desperately hoped that she hadn’t fallen from the top, but given she was unconscious it was likely. He used a tendril of the force to keep her in place and tried to gently manipulate the metal to let her go. It creaked and released her with a gush of blood. He let her float into his arms, and he wished that he had more of a penchant for healing. He pushed some of the force into her and imagined her flesh knitting back together. The blood only slowed a bit, and he decided to start running back. He knew that they only had basic medical supplies on the ship, but anything was better than nothing. 

He lifted the shields and searched for his mom. “Le… Mom, I need you. She’s hurt, and we need supplies.”

“I’m coming. How bad?” 

“She's unconscious and her arm is messed up bad,” he struggled to keep the panic from his voice, but knew that he wasn’t completely successful. He latched on to his Leia’s signature, and walked as fast as he dared, not wanting to jostle her or injure her further. After what felt like hours, he met up with Leia and Han. He watched as Leia applied the bacta patches and felt her skull and neck. 

“There’s a medical center, but it doesn’t have much to offer this kind of injury. But let’s see what they’ve got that might help,” Leia said, gently placing her hand on Ben’s shoulder. 

Ben was skeptical what this backworld planet might have, but anything that could help would be better than nothing. When they reached the outpost, Leia took on her Senator role, and demanded to see the med droid and Plutt waddled from his trading booth. 

“You need credits for that,” he rasped. His eyes lit up at the prospect of lots of money coming his way. 

“You’ll get her help now,” Ben said, waving his hand in front of the alien. 

“I’ll get her help now,” he said, monotoned, and led them further into the post. 

_ Ben, was that necessary?  _ Leia pushed into Ben’s mind, but he put up shields again and threw an icy look her way. Han shrunk back, he hated anything to do with the force, and sidled up to a trader. Figures. 

They were led to a nearly empty room with a cot, a few bacta patches, and rolls of bandages. Ben sat on the cot and motioned the droid to come over. He had doubts they would be anything they could do, but he couldn’t refuse the closest medical help. 

“Sir, please lay her down so I can do my scans,” the droid droned at Ben. 

He snarled and rolled his eyes, but complied. The droid scanned her body and went to fetch some bandages and more bacta. It took off the patch and cleaned the area. The blood came fast again for a moment because of the cleaning but, Ben noted that the bleeding had slowed further. Unfortunately, the skin was still gaping open. The droid lined it up as much as possible and repatched the area. 

“The arm will be fine, sir, madam. But the brain is swollen and only time with help. Possibly a bacta tank but there isn’t one on world. I can make her comfortable until then.”

Ben felt Leia’s hand on his arm gently tugging him to the corner of the room. “We can leave her and pay them to keep her supported until she wakes and fully recovers.” 

“No,” he snarls. “No,” he says again in a pleading whisper. He met Leia’s eyes and then looked down again. 

“Who is this girl? How did you know she was injured?” Leia gently prompted. 

“The force. It… Well, it's hard to explain but we are connected. When she fell, I felt it. I knew she was hurt and I needed to help her. I tried to heal her… But you know that I was never gifted that way. I need to be near her, make sure that she is okay.”

_ She can be yours, Ben. She is the key. _

He shivered at the intrusion and felt the beginnings of a headache pounding behind his eyes. It unnerved him that he wanted what the voice wanted, but he couldn’t just leave her here. Not with the connection, how he felt her pain, and the strange lightning he felt when they first touched.

Ben didn’t wait for Leia to answer, he picked her up again and headed to the ship. Han raised his eyebrows as Ben passed but after credits switched hands, he simply got up and followed. Leia was right after him, and called out to Ben.  _ The droid says…  _ But Ben didn’t let her finish, he just got her settled in his arms as he sat on his bunk with his back against the wall. It wasn’t long until he felt the Falcon rumble and lift off. He played with her hair and hoped that she would be alright. He didn’t feel any pain from her like he did when she first fell, and he didn’t know if that was a good sign or not. 

But all he could do was wait. And hope. Above, all, hope. 


	6. Ben vs his parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which han is awkward

Ben must have lost track of time, because he heard a knock on the door, and Han appeared. So they must have gone into hyperdrive and he still didn’t know where they were headed. But what he did know is that most anywhere where they had connections would be better than Jakku.

Han stood there leaning on the door for a few seconds before coming in and straddling the chair. “So, uh, son,” he started talking, clearing his throat and his eyes slid to where Ben’s hand was still stroking her hair. It was tangled, and some of it had fallen out of the hair ties, but Ben still marveled over the softness and it made him feel like he was doing something. Given, it wasn’t much, but maybe it offered her some sort of comfort. Han paused for so long that Ben startled when he started speaking again. “You know, we talked a few years ago. About how men and women…”

Ben’s head snapped up incredulously. “She’s unconscious. Please tell me that you don’t think that little of me.”

“No, of course. I mean, of course not. I mean, jeez, you know what I mean. I just meant that she will wake up. And she’s a pretty girl… And well, hormones, especially teenage hormones, can make you make choices that you haven’t really thought through. And son, nineteen is young to have a kid. And with your training…” Han trailed off, breaking eye contact with his son.

“Did she put you up to this?” Ben asked.

“ Your Mom? Kriff no. I just thought… Well, I don’t know. I knew you were back here with her, and then I walked in and saw the look on your face.”

“What look? You know what, never mind.” Ben’s hand fell from her hair, and he hoped that somehow miraculously his face and ears weren’t burning up. He shifted her and sighed as Han stood up and awkwardly backed out of the room.

Kriff! He chooses now to give me the sex talk. Again. It was bad enough the first time. Ben thought to himself, stifling a groan. He sat in the silence for awhile, staring down at her face, and pondering again what connected them. He didn’t even know her name, but he knew that he’d do anything to protect her, to make her happy.

He fell asleep with his head resting against the wall, content with her warm weight tucked against him, pretending that she was just sleeping in his arms instead of injured. He woke up a while later, it could have been minutes or hours, he wasn’t sure, to a warmth spreading across his lap. His brow furrowed and he frantically tried to remember his dreams. Surely his subconscious didn’t latch on to Han’s awkward talk and made him cum in his pants like a prepubescent, but he was completely flaccid. And dry in that one spot.

Leia appeared at the door, giving him a small smile. I felt your confusion. The medical droid wanted to cath her but you left so quickly.

Cath? Ben thought. Oh. Oh! Well that explained the warmth. He didn’t mind but he felt a pang of pity for her and strangely, embarrassment but he wasn't sure who that was for.

Leia approached him and made to lift the girl from his arms, and he tightened his grip a bit, possessively cradling her closer.

“Rey,” Leia whispered as she took a step back.

“What?” Ben asked, his brow furrowed.

“Her name. Her name is Rey. One of the villagers was asking about her.”

Rey. Ben thought. It fit her and made him think of sunlight, which was appropriate because that is what her tanned skin reminded him of. He smiled and reached up to stroke her hair again. He must be broadcasting for all the world to hear though if Leia was reading him that easily, so he put his shields up again, not wanting the voice to intrude on his thoughts and speak to him anymore anytime soon.

“Why don’t you let me clean her up. I can take her to our shower, it’s bigger, and you can get cleaned up in here.”

He didn’t want to let go, and something in his face must have shown that.

“Ben, are you going to clean her up?” His face caught fire as he realized what all that would entail. He didn’t want his first actual glimpse or touch of a naked female to be like that. He didn’t know if he could manage clinical detachment so he reluctantly relinquished his hold on her. Leia took her into her arms and smiled softly at Ben before leaving his room and nudging shut his door with her foot.

Ben ran his fingers through his hair, and realized how much he could use a shower as well. His hair was matted with sweat and dirt. He shed his damp clothes and stepped in. He intended to be in and out so that he’d be there when Leia brought Rey back, but once he was under the hot water, he couldn’t bring himself to hurry. His muscles relaxed and he allowed himself to slip into a meditative state so his mind would calm and not worry on where they were going, when she might wake up, if she would like him, if she would be happy to be off that planet…. If, if if…

It finally quieted and he felt the force wash over him. It was all light for the first time in a long time and he sighed with relief and relished the moment.

When he finally came back out, Rey was tucked into his bed, several lines snaking from under the blanket. Nutrition and a cath. Leia answered his unasked question. She’s already so skinny. Leia tutted absentmindedly. He felt a surge of appreciation for his mom. She was a senator, and grew up royalty. Yet for him, Leia cared for this girl she’d just met the day before, she would shower and dress her, and put her theoretical medical knowledge to helping Rey. For him.

“Where are we going?” Ben inquired around the lump in his throat. The times where he felt abandoned and in second place to saving the galaxy often warred with the affection and love that her eyes held. No matter what mistakes he made, no matter the fear and sorrow in her eyes when he'd misstep and embrace the dark. Or when he pushed her away, regardless of how many things he trashed…

Only one thing could break him out of this cycle and make his eyes harden again. And those were the next words out of her mouth me

“Yavin 4,” she replied warily.

Of course we are. Straight to the  
person who has even less faith in me than my parents. Ben thought. Then he considered it again. If anyone had the power to heal Rey it might just be him. They were on course to visit dear old uncle.

Luke Skywalker.


	7. Ben's darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna hug him again
> 
> Trigger warning: self harm (cutting), questionable suicide attempt, bullying
> 
> The sort of descriptive part is marked with ** and ends at next **

Chapter 7

Before Ben knew it they were touching down on Yavin IV to see the man who had just sent him to his parents. The other padawans didn’t leave under normal circumstances, usually only if there was a death in their family. Luke had promised that he could help him quiet the voice and get control of himself, but even though there were stretches of days, sometimes weeks that he didn’t have a splitting headache, or go into an uncontrolled rage, there wasn’t much progress. 

**One month ago**

Before he’d left, he was in the woods where he liked to get away from the other students, trying to meditate when Asauro came up and slammed a practice saber into his side. “Hey, gigantico, I’ve seen you eyeing my girl.”

_Not true,_ Ben thought to himself but still kept his eyes closed through the ache in his side. Asauro’s “girl” was one who taunted him more than others. _Gangly, big ears, weak, creepy, and stupid._ Those were some of her favorite insults. Ben _was_ tall. He towered over most of the adults at the academy much less the still growing boys that were his classmates. He struggled to keep his concentration but with Asauro circling around him, it was hard to maintain. He’d been slightly levitating off the ground but he lowered and turned to face Asauro. “She’s not even on my radar. Anytime there is interaction, it's because she is talking to me,” Ben snapped. 

“She is just disgusted by you. But you won’t leave her alone.” Asauro mocked. He edged closer to Ben. Ben just kept backing up for every step that Asauro made forward. But he was soon backed into a tree. He’d wanted to avoid this. He’d been in too many fights, and he hated the look that Luke gave him when he was inevitably brought in for punishment. Ben didn’t mind the extra cleaning, or the extra laps, not really. He just hated that the other students got the benefit of the doubt, and he didn’t. 

_You are so much more powerful than this boy. Show him._

“No,” Ben snapped. He tried to back up even more, but the bark of the tree cut into his back, even through his robes. 

“Freak. Are you talking to yourself again? I should teach you a lesson.” Asauro swung and his fist connected with Ben’s nose, a sickening crack and a gush of blood followed. 

_Show him. NOW!_ The voice demanded and Ben complied. He wiped the blood from his face and spit out the coppery taste from his mouth. And if it landed on Asauro, then all the better. Ben was the one advancing now, and with a wave of his hand Asauro was thrown against a tree. Ben held his hand in front of him and Asauro stayed suspended in the air. Ben used the force to put pressure against Asauro’s neck and his face began to purple. 

“Ben! No!” His uncle’s voice rang through the trees. Ben shook his head and the slimy feeling of the dark quickly drained from him and he slid to the ground, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t register Asauro crashing to the ground and turning to run through the trees. He also missed the disappointed and disgusted look on his uncle’s face. “Come on,” Luke instructed and Ben lumbered to his feet and followed. He was led to his room, and Ben stayed there. He wasn’t sure how long exactly, until the door opened and one of his teachers placed a canteen of water and a portion packet on his desk, and backed out of the room. Several more meals were brought and Ben stayed on the bed except to relieve himself and occasionally take sips of water. 

Luke never showed. 

No one ever came to give him punishments. But his racing mind and extreme guilt was probably more punishment than they could come up with. Ben finally felt the familiar anger rising up and it made him feel even more guilty. He picked up one of the books on his bedside table and was prepared to throw it but instead let it slip from his fingers.

**Skip for tw**

Instead he got up and reached under his mattress for his blade. He spun it in his hands and pushed down the anger until he was filled with guilt again. It soured his stomach and he swallowed down the bile and traced the blade over the inside of his arm. Then he sliced. 

Deeper than he had before. The blood came faster than he was used to. And spots danced in his vision. He lay back on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. Who knows what might have happened if his door wouldn’t have crashed open. 

**Safety**

He looked up sluggishly to see his mom. Guilt, worry and sadness washed over her face, as she ran to his bedside, and yanked a rag from gods knows where. She wrapped it tight around his arm and he barely registered the pressure as she yanked it tight. 

“Oh, Ben. Why?” Leia murmured, reaching up with the hand not putting pressure on his arm to push a strand of hair from his face. It was so tender that he wondered how this could be the same woman who constantly left him, even when he would beg and cry, grabbing on to her robes as she would board a ship when he was younger. Han would pull him away, and gruffly tell him to be a man and let her go. 

Soon Luke swooped in the room, and took Ben’s arm into his calloused hands. Ben felt the tingling, cool power of the force wash over him, and his skin itched as it knit back together. Once Ben was no longer in danger of bleeding out, Luke inclined his head and Leia followed him into the hall. 

The next morning, Ben followed her to a shuttle and they met up with the Falcon and set course to Jakku. 

**Now**

Ben shook off the memories and picked Rey up, and carried her down the ramp, setting off for the school and the man who rejected him. 


	8. Barriers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reach the Jedi academy and Luke is obscure.  
> And Rey is a mystery

He’d do anything for the girl in his arms and he’s only known her for days. He felt a strange connection to her and something tickled in the back of his mind that he’d read in Jedi texts that might explain it, but Ben filed that away for another day. 

Luke must have felt their presence in the force because he approached and Ben averted his eyes. _I’m doing this for Rey. I’m doing this for Rey._ He chanted to himself, trying to put aside the last time he’d seen Luke and the shame and embarrassment he still felt. 

“So this is her? Leia commed me about her. I hope I can help,” Luke said as he approached slowly. “How are you Ben?” 

Ben didn’t answer, instead met his eyes and held them for a beat. He ran through things he could say. What he should say. Should he beg for forgiveness? Demand that Luke treat him like other students? Because what Ben felt is that he was treated less than equal since Luke was determined not to show favoritism. But he shoved down all his feelings and settled on “Please.” 

Luke went to take Rey from Ben’s arms and he couldn’t hold back a snarl. Luke gave him a questioning glance. “I have to touch her to help her, you know?” It wasn’t scathing, just gentle words. Luke scratched his eyebrow, a tic he had when he was thinking hard on something, then cupped his chin like he did when he might have an answer, but he was going to withhold it. Like a great Jedi teacher would. Make his students guess, and flounder around. Ben suppressed an eyeroll. 

“Let's take her to the med center,” Luke said in concession, not trying to take Rey from Ben’s arms again. Ben nodded and they all followed Luke inside the academy hallways to their destination. Ben chose a cot, and pulled up a chair; planning to sit only after he attached her lines to the correct poles. Nutrition above, and cath bag below the bed. It had been clamped and a med droid beeped at Ben, taking over the lines. Ben conceded, flopping in the chair by her bed and taking her hand. 

“Can you let go for a minute? I don’t want your force mingled with hers, so I can try to pinpoint what’s going on,” Luke said. 

“I’m going to step out, go make sure the Falcon doesn’t need any repairs,” Han said. Ben rolled his eyes this time, not bothering to hide it. _Figures. Any time the Force is mentioned or used, Han wanted out. It’s a wonder he and Leia ever made it work, but maybe her only being sensitive made it okay._

“She’s in pretty deep. There’s still bleeding in her brain, but it feels like she’s protecting herself in some way. Not healing exactly, but some kind of latent talent. There’s something else too. Ben, I feel… Nevermind. That’s not changing her health. I did some healing, but it can only do so much. She’s force sensitive for sure, did you know that?” 

Ben nodded. “I could feel something when she showed up at the outpost. Then when our hands touched… Well, I’d never felt anything like it. I don’t know if she knows it or not,” Ben was reluctant to share, but he wanted Luke to have the information. Maybe it would help Rey, or maybe Ben still trusted Luke enough to help him find answers. 

“Well that explained why I felt your signature, it was twined with hers around the… barrier for lack of better word, protecting her brain. Hmm, let me do some reading okay?”

“Don’t pull the wise Jedi bantha fodder now, please. Tell me what you know,” Ben pleaded. 

“I’m not pulling anything, son. I’ve only read about this and I want to make sure that I’m getting it right.” 

Ben wanted to protest being called son, or still the feeling that Luke was hiding something, but he just let Luke go. He didn’t want to give in to anger. He wanted to be there for Rey. He took her hand again and focused. He wasn’t good at healing, or detecting subtleties in the Force like Luke, but now that he knew to look for his own signature, and some kind of barrier, he did find it. He didn’t know what to do with it, but maybe he could look for any changes. He tried to push some healing into her again, even though Luke had just tried, Ben figured it couldn’t hurt. Especially with how much he felt drawn to her. The barrier pulsed once and he could feel a slight change in how his force signature mixed with hers. He didn’t understand it all, but he knew that it made him feel just a little more whole, the light in him a bit easier to access because she was shining with it. He could tell from the outpost, the muscles that were developed and the way she held herself, and touched her staff everytime she tensed like she could sense danger that she had lived a hard life. So it amazed him that she could shine this bright. The Force didn’t feel developed, similar to what he felt in his mom in contrast to Luke who mastered it. 

Dark had long since come, only the light of the stars and moon shone through the windows. The droids had long since extinguished the bright lights, candlelight cast flickering shadows and Ben struggled to keep his eyes open. He hoped that Luke would come back with answers, he doubted it, but didn’t want to miss it. He finally gave up though and fell asleep. 

As he dreamed, he saw Rey. She was encased in something akin to a bacta tank, and her hand was pressed up against the barrier. She looked at him with pleading eyes and tried to say something but Ben couldn’t make out what. As he approached the tank, the connection was broken and he no longer sensed her. His eyes snapped open and he immediately felt for any changes in her, hoping that it wasn’t a normal dream. But nothing was different, and he felt himself deflate. 

It took awhile for sleep to find him again, but unfortunately he didn’t get anymore glimpses of Rey.


	9. Into the Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we get back into Rey's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know when I wrote the first few Rey chapters it was in 1st person POV, which is what I did for my 3 YA novels, but for this 3rd person felt more natural so I switched.

Pain. Searing pain. Like Rey had never felt before. One minute she was perched on a destroyed ship, fingers extended to reach a part wedged in a seam. And then weightlessness, nausea, and a ripping. It felt like her arm was being torn off. And then her neck jerked, her head cracked on something and a ringing in her ears.

Then nothing. 

***

Rey could only see blackness, even when she opened her eyes. She experimentally tried to move her fingers, and then toes, but nothing wanted to cooperate. It was like the weight of the world was pressing down on Rey and all she could do was take shallow breaths. The breaths became faster and she felt her heart racing. The weight just seemed to get heavier at this, so she calmed herself, focusing on each part of her body and relaxing the way that she would during the long nights in the AT-AT. Horrid nights when her mouth was parched and her stomach cramped in hunger. As she finally began to relax, she took in her surroundings and noted that it was not the oppressive heat of daytime or the biting cold of nights in Jakku. She honed her ears to listen for anyone who might be sneaking up on her and only felt one person on her periphery. She didn’t feel a sense of danger from them, but she’d learned the hard way not to trust others. 

A pain shot through her head, and she thought that her skull might be crushed. It was different from the weight of the darkness, Rey mused through the throbs of pain, but it was worse somehow. Heat and pressure started to build even more until it felt like her body contracted and released in waves. She tried to bring her hands to her face to place her thumbs over her temples, which would sometimes ease the pain of a headache, but they still refused to move. 

She focused all her might on her fingers, now wanting to gouge her own eyes out but it still wouldn’t obey. She had to hope that her gut instinct was right and that the person meant her no harm because sleep was dragging her down. With all her might she pressed against the pressure, and the pain, and it lessened enough that she could succumb. 

***

The next time Rey was aware, she still felt that presence. It was warm and since she was still alive and in no more pain than before, Rey had to trust that for now she wasn’t in danger. She felt a spike of anger? Pain? Fear? She wasn’t entirely sure what it was, it didn’t feel like her own, but in this strange state of being, Rey wasn’t sure of anything anymore. The presence she had sensed disappeared, and at first she was afraid because it was a constant, but then another surrounded her. One that was different but somehow familiar. Then she felt warm again, almost like she was being submerged in water. But that couldn’t be, water was never something you could spare for more than drinking or an occasional splash to clean your face. She relished in the feeling, but still missed the warmth of the other person she’d sensed on the periphery. She felt a charge, a tingling, when near them, something that was so familiar in a way that she couldn’t quite place in her foggy state of mind. 

The pain returned in force and she focused once again on making that pulse that eased the pain, if only a little. 

***

Disgust, shame, anger--burning anger. Evil snakes over her and it makes her want to vomit. She can’t hold up the pulsing that keeps the pain from suffocating her and it rushes all in at once. Rey gasps and feels like all the energy, all the blood is rushing from her body. 

Then, blessedly, nothing. 

***

She opened her eyes to darkness once again. Rey thought she’d never miss the searing, bright light of Jakku’s sun, but somehow this complete black was worse. At least at night, she could eat her portions under the twinkling of the stars. Always watching and hoping that any ships she saw were her parents coming to get her. Even after so many hard days that stretched into years, she still held out hope. That her parents didn’t want to leave her on this forsaken planet to starve, and they were coming back. 

Somehow, the ever present gnawing in her stomach--demanding that she feed it for all the abuse she put her body through--was absent. She absently wondered why and she spread out her awareness again. This state of mind was making her lax. She spread out her awareness, and shrank back at all of the people she could sense. Rey could still sense her anchor, the person that made her feel… safe? Which made no sense, because the only thing that ever made her feel safe was herself and her staff. The people felt familiar somehow, like the one that made her feel warm, a gentle caress her and there, her hand, her hair, a light brush on her cheek. 

While Rey had built up some amount of trust in that presence, three others were daunting. There was the one that she associated with water, another that for some reason made her want to chuckle, and another that made her feel… strange. Waves of ice and heat washed over her, helping somewhat with the pain that still engulfed her. It skirted against the bubble that she’d figured out how to make against her mind, focusing those pulses into a tangible thing, to protect her from the pain. She let it in and felt a measure of relief before it shrank down, and withdrew altogether. 

Rey didn’t realize she’d been missing the physical touch of her phantom person, but once it was there again, she sighed in relief and could no longer stay aware. 

***

Rey was submerged, not in water, though in what she couldn’t say. Glass, murkiness was all around. She scanned her surroundings and could see the blurry outline of a person. The long black hair was familiar, and even though she couldn’t make out the specific facial features, she recognized him. She remembered his touch, and raised her hand to the glass. As he approached with his hand raised, something pulled on her, hard, and the blackness returned. 

She cursed and tried to move again. She knew that she’d moved her hand, her head, but now it was useless. She cast out again for her surroundings and only found her ever constant companion. But one that she could now put a name and face to. 

_ Ben. _


	10. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben let's Leia in on something he'd rather she not know. Then he tells Luke about how he's drawn to Rey.

Chapter 10

“Son?” Leia’s voice startled him awake. Ben rolled his neck, the satisfying cracking sound adding to the relief of the muscles relaxing a bit. He’d been sleeping in such a strange position, but he felt like it was important to keep physical contact with her. Nothing but holding her hand, or smoothing her hair, but it made him feel better and he hoped it made her feel better too. 

“How is she?” Leia said. Ben had been watching Rey, not his mom, and looked up to see her holding out a plate to him. He waved it away, and she put it on a side table, before taking the seat across from him. 

“No change. Luke came by right after sunrise, because of course he would, and tried more healing. She doesn’t move or anything. Sometimes her signature feels a bit different but nothing big and I don’t know what that even means.”

Leia nodded and patted Rey’s other hand. “You should eat, you know. You can’t care for her if you don’t care for yourself.” Ben sighed and picked up the plate of food. He ate methodically, not minding the stretch of silence. Leia opened her mouth a few times, but closed it right away. Ben wasn’t sure what she was going to say, but was pretty sure that he wouldn’t want to hear it. If his mom had answers, she would have shared them already, not like Luke with his secretive Jedi persona. 

Speaking of, Luke brushed in, patting Ben’s shoulder on the way over to stand in front of Rey. “What do you feel?” 

Ben considered the question. “I feel… drawn to her. I can sense when her pain is at its worst, but otherwise, it's like a small void in the force, I guess. Where the voice is, there is also a place for her, where she should fit, but she’s not there. I don’t know if that makes any sense. But we’re connected.” 

“The voice?” Leia questions, brows furrowed. 

_ Dammit all.  _ Ben thought. He’d briefly told Luke about the dark presence he felt, the whispers that drove him all but insane. That when it talked to him too much, or when it felt like his emotions were exploding, that was when the ice pick headaches set in. Luke had looked at him with pity and simply said to work on meditating, being one with the force, and protecting his mind. So he stopped mentioning it. 

“Not now, Leia,” Luke admonished with a smile. They all knew that the conversation wouldn’t be forgotten, but his mom nodded her head but didn’t let her eyes drift from Ben. He could tell she was even more worried for him than ever before, and he felt another brick of guilt settle on his shoulders.

“I saw her. In a dream I think,” Ben blurted out, to break the awful silence that had settled in the room. He recounted what he’d seen and felt the best he could. Luke did the eyebrow scratch and Ben sighed, knowing that he’d get no answers that day. 

Luke left the room and Ben clenched his fists, pushing his anger to the side. The need to cut, to control, to throw something, to slash something and see the pieces fall to the ground. It tried to bury him, to pull him under, but he glanced over at Rey. The anger disappeared and he was left with all the pain, and he turned his head and wiped a stray tear from his face. 

Leia opened her mouth and Ben hoped against all hope that she wouldn’t bring up the voice, the whispers, the darkness. It was enough having to fight it day in and out, and face the brush off from Luke, telling him that if he were only stronger that he wouldn’t feel those things, or hear them. Instead she surprised him. “Why don’t I sit with her for a while, and you go shower, or sleep?” 

Ben was reluctant to leave her side, but he was sure that he didn’t smell like roses. He also figured that his mom or a droid might need some time with Rey away from him. It was an added benefit that got him away from any questions Leia might ask. 

Luke dodged Ben and his questions for the next week, and then two. Brush offs about needing to read, to remember and also once muttering about force ghosts. Nothing changed with Rey, though he’d taken to telling her stories about planets he’d visited, foods he had tried, both the ones he hated and the ones he adored. He mostly left Leia and Han out of the stories, but he told all sorts about him and Chewie getting in trouble. 

“When I was thirteen, Han and Leia were both out of town, doing what they did best. I was bored, and bugged Chewie to do something more interesting than Sabbac. I liked games to be sure, but I was on a weekend break from the academy, something they did often for me, but nothing like how Luke has sent me away lately. Chewie finally relented, and we found ourselves in a cantina on a moon over, less likely to see someone who knew us, he’d roared. You’ll have to talk to him one of these days. I doubt you speak or understand Wookie, but its still a sound to hear. Especially when he laughs. And laugh he did that night. I had been to cantinas before, having a dad like Han Solo made it inevitable even. But this one was different somehow. Maybe because we were in a back room, or because it didn’t have as many people who’d deal in the things Han might. But there were beings everywhere. Human, alien, men, women, and they all seemed like they’d lost at least half of their clothes. I was shy and could barely look up from my drink. Well, finally Chewie got up to do whatever it is that Wookies do in a catina when they no longer want to sit with their teenaged adopted nephew, but I managed to awkwardly flirt with the barkeep. Okay, okay, fine. There may have been a tiny bit of inappropriate use of the force. But don’t tell Luke. Anyways, I got alcohol. I had tasted it before, mostly at mom’s stuffy political galas but this was something else. Chewie told me later that it was something normally too strong for humans. And of course, the barkeep was under that tiny suggestion, or maybe it was my good looks, who knows, but anyways she wasn’t in a state to tell me that. 

“Oh, Rey. I was so sick. All over the Falcon. And Chewie. I’ve never heard him mutter like that. For that matter, I have never seen him with a mop or broom. That  _ almost _ made it worth it. He cleaned the best we could until we got back into Yavin IV and landed, and then he plucked an unsuspecting droid and made them finish cleaning. He got me back to my room, and somehow convinced Han that I had food sickness. Or hell, looking back now, maybe Han knew the whole time, and he was proud that his weak and unmanly son finally did something he would approve of…” Ben trailed off, the smile slipping from his face again. 

_ Tell her about me. Let me in her shield. I can heal her. I can show her how to be great. You can have power, you and her. I will take you away from this world of people who have abandoned and hurt you.  _

Ben was sorely tempted, but he didn’t let the twist of his force signature drop from her shield. He wanted her to wake, but he also didn’t want her light to dim. For the first time, he wanted to leave Rey alone without someone twisting his arm to do something like sleep or shower. He wanted to cut, he wanted to bleed out the voice. He wanted the power. He wanted her. 

He dropped his head, already pounding, into his hands. Light, dark. Good, bad. Weak or strong. Those who do, and those who can’t or won’t. It all swirled in his head, and he didn’t want it to overflow into her. He heard Luke’s footsteps and took it as his cue to go. He ran blindly through the hallways, feeling people jump aside, but not really caring. He stopped short when he heard familiar voices. 

“I can’t stay any longer Leia. I have runs to make, and Chewie is waiting for me at Takodana,” Han said. 

“He won’t go. I need to stay. I can’t leave him here alone again. If you’d seen him laying there Han, on that bed, in pools of blood,” Leia pleaded, her voice breaking. 

“Make him. Or make Luke watch him. You have work to do, people are sending messages and you’re needed Leia.”

“My son needs me too,” Leia said, turning on her heel, and walking away. 

Ben pressed himself against the wall, and hoped that neither would come this way, but luck was not with him. Han came around the corner, and their eyes met. 

“Let Luke watch Rey, and go with your mom, son. She needs to be on Naboo, and she’ll…”

“Stop, please,” Ben pleaded. He punched the wall, and turned around to go the other way so Han wouldn’t see his face. It gave him away, his thoughts, his feelings, his pain. 

“Ben!” Han called after him, but Ben didn’t stop. He didn’t stop until he’d gone outside and then made his way to his spot in the woods. But even that was tainted now, and he began to wonder if maybe Han wasn’t right. 

He didn’t want to ruin or disappoint her like he did everything, everyone else. 


	11. First words

The next time Rey was aware, it came to her more slowly. Not the jolt in and out of this sleep like state she’d come to expect. She didn’t like it, but accepted it now. 

She took inventory and realized this time she could see. Oh, the light! She basked in it, even if she couldn’t move anything except her eyes side to side. Rays of sunlight poured in through a window to her left and she focused on that. The presence-- no, it was him, Ben--was missing and she felt a strange sense of let down. She’d been alone for so long, that it made her uncomfortable wanting, needing, someone. 

Something pulled on her barrier, almost seeming to touch her soul, and everything shifted. 

***

"Rey? Are you there?" she heard from a distance. Perhaps dumbly, she tried to shake her head but of course nothing happened so she opened her mouth and even though all that came out as a whisper she replied "Yes."

She could feel the tugging getting closer and more powerful. Though she didn't really recognize the voice, she definitely recognized the signature that had become somehow brighter and darker than she remembered. She wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd been beside her, but something had changed within him. She didn't think it had anything to do with her, even though she wasn't sure how she knew that. 

She heard heavy breathing beside her and darted her eyes to the right. She saw Ben, and if possible, he was even more handsome than she remembered from Jakku. He rushed to her and grabbed her hand and while normally she would not accept or like touches from anyone; this feels familiar and comforting to her so she allowed it. Not that she could really do anything about it even if she wanted to but she had the feeling that if she asked him to, he would stop.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?" Ben asked. He wasn't really sure where this term of endearment came from but it felt right for some reason. Maybe he had been calling her that in his head and didn't want to even acknowledge it to himself. 

He heard her say yes. His heart felt like it skipped a beat and a wave of relief washed over him. 

"Well, actually I guess not. There is pain in my head that's never been there before. And I can't move. And something has changed, in my head, in my heart--everywhere." She trailed off as she closed her eyes again. 

Ben panicked just a little bit hoping that this wasn't the end of their conversation--that he wasn't hallucinating this interaction with her. He had felt a tugging out in the woods, much like he felt when they first touched though it was without the lightning. He came barreling through the academy to reach her side. He felt guilty that he left her and that was the time that she had woken up. 

Soon enough, her eyes opened again and when they met his, he felt something. It was powerful; it was deep and he knew that things would never be the same. Not in a bad way, he would accept this kind of change anytime. He knew that his for signature had blended with hers over the barrier in her mind and this felt like the next step, that he was intertwining with her very being. 

Her quiet voice broke up his reverie and he heard her whisper "I can sense you. I don't understand it."

"Me neither, but I don't mind. Do you?" he hoped that she would say no but he had a lot of experience trying to block out his mom and Luke and that voice. And thought that he might be able to do the same to her. 

"I'm not sure. What happened? Where am I?"

Of course, she wanted to know. Ben almost dropped his head into his hands, but he did not want to break eye contact with her. He tried not to be discouraged that she said she wasn't sure about the connection but there were more important matters to address right then. 

"You were hurt badly the day after we met. Through the connection I knew something happened and I went after you. We brought you here to Yavin 4, to my uncle because he is really gifted at healing and we hoped that he would be able to help you." 

Her voice was much stronger when she said with dismay "Yavin 4, not Jakku?"

He sensed panic and pain welling up within her and he wanted to do something, anything, to make her feel better. "The facilities back there couldn't help you and I'm afraid what would happen if we wouldn't have taken you off planet."

Tears slipped down her face and Ben reached over to wipe them away. "I was waiting for them. What happens if they came while I was gone?"

He didn't have to ask who she was talking about. 

Her parents. 


	12. Haunted Pasts

Ben felt pain, betrayal, shame, anger, all cycling powerfully, unpredictably through him. The feelings weren’t his, and he guessed this was a consequence of their signatures flaring and being so close. 

He’d felt this deeply before, but he normally couldn’t handle them well. It pulled him further into the darkness, and that darkness then spiraled outward into destruction--of himself or of whatever object happened to be within reach. But he didn’t feel Rey going to that darkness. Her light may be flickering a bit with the intensity, but it didn’t go dark all all. Ben shook his head, and it made him feel weak, anything but capable, and wholly unworthy of her. 

“Stop. Please, Ben. Stop.” He felt a push. He disconnected from her emotions, and saw her body relax. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He hadn’t even thought that if he could feel her, then the inverse would be true. That she could feel him, and it affected her. Ben needed to get a hold of himself. He took a deep breath, trying to forget about the overheard conversation between his parents, his feelings--which now included shame. 

Rey tried to move her head to better see this broken man beside her. She could realize some of the extremes she vaguely remembered from when she was in the darkness must have been from him. His pain had just intensified her own. The logical part of her, hardened to the realities of life, the young woman she’d grown into, recognized that her parents were probably never coming back. But the little girl inside her, still held out hope. She had several memories or possibly they were dreams of that day. And maybe one was reality and maybe none of them were. 

In one, the most frequent that surfaced, she saw through little eyes, and her throat burning from shouting and sobbing as she saw the back of a woman with her hair, and a taller man, walking away from her. Boarding their ship and never looking back. She’d sat in the burning sand, hands trying to protect her eyes from the blinding sun, but watching long past when her vision could track their ship. Hoping that they realized they’d made a mistake--that they would return for her. 

In another, she cradled bloody hands to her chest, staring without blinking at the hole she’d dug. It took so long, their bodies were cold despite the heat, and were swelling up. Her mom’s face was purple and an unnatural dark blue, and a trickle of blood ran from her mouth. But Rey could not bear to turn her face down into the sand like she’d done her father. Her mom’s eyes were still open, and though they were lifeless and no longer held the warmth and affection Rey had learned to count on even through the days where there was never enough to eat or drink. She was young, but she knew that her mom had been putting extra on Rey’s plate, taking less and less for herself. Rey tried to protest but never could for long because the emptiness of her stomach cried out to be filled. That dreadful morning, four days ago, Rey had woken to sand beating against their makeshift hut. She peeked out and sure enough, a storm was building, it would be a bad one based on how the sky was darkening this early in the day. She put on her boots and pulled back the flap and called for her mom and dad. There was no answer, but the sleds they’d rigged to haul parts were missing. 

There was no food to be had the night before. 

But if there was one thing her parents told her more than I love you, was that a Jakku sandstorm was nothing to be underestimated. You didn’t go out when it was like this. It was the beginning of a rage. You couldn’t see more than mere feet in front of you, and sand went up your nose, and caked your goggles. The ships would sink or rise from the shifting sands and if you got into the path of sinking, you were never to be seen again, unless the ship was later uncovered and your bones were preserved inside. 

Rey ran, pulling her tunic over her mouth and bracing her feet when there was an especially strong gust of wind. She heard a neighbor calling for her, but she didn’t stop. She needed to find her parents. But her little legs would only take her so fast, and the woman with leathery hands that lived in the next hut over picked her up and plopped her in the tent. Jemma was her name, and she sat in front of the door keeping Rey inside for the next 16 long hours until the storm had calmed. Jemma gave Rey a quick hug and a whispered good luck. And Rey walked some of their favored routes, keeping her eyes peeled for her parents. She called out every couple of minutes and sometimes fellow scavengers would answer, but they hadn’t seen her parents, they too had been inside their homes waiting out the storm. 

Just when the sun had started to descend and Rey knew that she should head back unless she wanted to meet dangerous wildlife and face the cold with no protection, she saw a glimmering. It was a battered ship that she hadn’t seen before. She picked up her pace and climbed through the half buried opening and saw her parents. She called out to them, voice getting louder and louder as she got closer. But they didn’t answer, and they didn’t move. No matter how long Rey shook their bodies and begged for them to wake up, nothing changed. She knew that they were dead, but she didn’t want to face it. As the last rays of sun dimmed and disappeared from the horizon, Rey snuggled into her mom’s side, crying until she fell asleep, clutching her mom’s hand. 

Digging a hole big enough for them took much longer than she’d ever imagined. She found what she could from the ship to help, but things took even longer as her hands bled, black dots danced across her vision and she was moving sluggishly, as though she was halfway buried in the sand. 

Just as she was about to roll her father into the hole she’d made, she heard Jemma calling her name. Rey croaked out an answer, hoping like mad that Jemma had water. That she brought answers, and hoping against hope that Jemma would be able to do something to bring her parents back to life. 

Jemma did have water, and she gave it to Rey, and she took over. Jemma rolled her parents into the sandy grave as gently as she could, and shoveled sand until it was barely noticeable that anything had disturbed the sand to begin with. 

Rey blinked, and instead of being encased in the worn, bony arms of Jemma, she was encased in strong arms, muscles tense but somehow all that strength held her with such gentleness. “Oh, Rey. I’m so sorry. I will try to find out what really happened to them. But please don’t leave once you’re healed,” his voice got quieter with each word, but Rey could swear she heard a desperate plea of  _ don’t leave me. _


	13. Physical touch and darkness invading

Rey didn’t answer him but Ben tried not to read too much into it. He bent over to place his cheek to the top of her head, and sighed. He felt more complete, more at peace when she was awake, when they were this close. 

“So you saw or heard all of that? How is that even possible?” 

Ben nodded. He hadn’t really realized that he was seeing what she saw. It was just another part of the complicated joining of their force that Ben didn’t understand. 

The door opened right at that moment and Luke walked in, with his perfect timing as usual. Ben rolled his eyes, and sighed. Of course he was going to tell Luke about this latest development, but he wanted to have more time with just her. To hold her and talk with her without his uncle and his knowing eyes. Judging Ben, he was sure. Luke would find some fault in how close they were, worry that Ben was going to influence her negatively, to screw up again, and meet his expectations of being a failure. 

He felt a tendril of warmth against his mind, so different from the tainted darkness of the voice.  _ Ben? I don’t know if you can hear me. But I don’t believe those things about you. I can feel it.  _

“Rey! I heard you talking, that is wonderful! May I come over, I will touch your arm and see if I can help heal you anymore.”

“Rey, this is my uncle, Luke Skywalker. Luke, I felt her awareness this morning. When I got here, her eyes were open and she could talk to me.”

“That’s wonderful! Are you still in pain, Rey?” Luke asked gently, now standing beside Ben and Rey. 

“Yes, but it’s not as bad. I just wish that I could move.”

“Ben! Did she ask you to put her down? I can’t…”

“No! I just meant that I still can’t move my body. It’s so strange. I… Well, I don’t mind Ben holding me. I was panicked and upset, and it… He helps,” Rey quickly interrupted Luke. She didn’t want to leave Ben’s arms.  _ I don’t want to put you down either. Thank you for defending me, Luke and my parents always seem to think the worst of me.  _ Ben spoke into her mind, squeezing her just a bit as the best hug he could in their position. 

“Okay,” Luke said slowly, his eyes going back and forth between Rey and Ben and scratching his eyebrow. “Are you okay if I touch you?” 

“Yes,” Rey answered quietly. 

Luke gently placed his hands on top of hers and closed his eyes. Ben could feel him, the lightness and iciness of Luke’s healing power brushing against the barrier that Rey still held against her mind. It was weaker than it was, Luke noted, maybe because he could feel the swelling in her brain subsiding greatly. Ben was okay with the healing, but then he felt Luke skim across the place where their forces connected, and he slammed up a wall. 

“That’s none of your business. You didn’t ask her permission to do that,” Ben snarled and Luke withdrew his hands. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “Forgive an old man, the scholarly part of me got the best of me.”

“Do you know what’s happening to us? I felt you touching… Well… The connection… The place where Ben and I… Well, it felt wrong for you to be there,” Rey stammered. Ben couldn’t agree more that it felt wrong for Luke’s interference. 

“I think that it’s a force bond. Not the kind that you hear about between a student and teacher. Something different, more powerful.”

“Wait, the force?” Rey blurted. “I know that you’re a Jedi, and I heard something about Ben being in training to be one. But I’ve never… Well, wouldn’t I know if I were one?”

“Not necessarily. Many of the students here are from force sensitive families, or they were observed using the force. But if you haven’t consciously used your power, then you may not know. But I can feel it now, stronger every day you’ve been here,” Luke answered. 

“ A force bond? Isn’t that really rare outside the padawan and master connection. I remember now reading something in the texts. They were powerful, their mastery of the force only fueling the other. A circle of power and connection?” Ben pondered out loud.

“So, that’s why I can feel what you feel, and you could see my memories,” Rey muttered.

Ben nodded into her hair and hummed. “So far, it's been powerful emotions or memories,” he answered. For some reason he felt possessive over these facts, like they were something private between him and Rey. But Luke did know a lot, and had read much more in the texts than Ben had, and probably ever would have the desire to. 

_ I know you feel it Ben. You two can be great together. I can teach both of you how to use your bond, how to rule, to make the galaxy better. To prove your parents and uncle wrong. That you are strong, you can…  _ The voice whispered. Ben felt like an icepick was stabbing into his brain, and he put up the barriers as quick as he could. Between him and the voice, between him and Rey, and keeping Luke from prying. 

“What  _ was _ that? Ben are you okay?” Rey said quietly, trying to reach the connection. It was flickering, and she could only get pieces of Ben’s thoughts and emotions. And she felt some of his pain pulsing into her in waves, and her brain must have been overwhelmed because the darkness came again. 


	14. Chapter 14 Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I love to embarrass Ben. 
> 
> I am having so much fun writing this, drop me a line if you're having fun reading.

Ben recoiled at Rey’s question. Force, she must have heard the voice too, felt him slithering against the connection. He’d hoped that she would be protected, that Ben could somehow protect her light and her mind from him, but he was dead wrong. He felt a spike of pain that was not his own, and he felt Rey go lax in his arms. Their bond changed again, and he felt the barrier around her brain intensify again, and he knew she wasn’t simply asleep, but unconscious again. 

Ben couldn’t keep up his shields anymore, and his headache raged. Spots danced in his vision, and he placed Rey as gently on the bed as he could. Nausea was overtaking him and he didn’t want to empty the contents of his stomach on her. He stumbled on the way to the waste basket, and fell to the floor, unable to keep anything inside. He felt Luke sweep his hair from his face, and lift him from the floor to a chair. Then he felt healing surge through him until he could see and think straight again. 

“It’s gotten worse, hasn’t it,” Luke asked gently. 

Ben could only nod weakly. He tried to reinforce his mind, but knew it wasn’t the strongest. “Yes,” he croaked. “It’s affecting Rey too.” 

“We’ll do some training, and I will read more in the texts, see if there is anything about the bonds, how you can protect her, or protect each other. I’ve been trying to figure out what might be speaking into your mind like that, affecting you with the darkness and causing you so much pain, but so far, no luck,” Luke patted his shoulder and made his way to the door. “Let me know when she wakes again, and I’ll send in a droid to clean up.” 

Ben’s cheeks blushed pink. He hated losing control. Of his body, of his mind, of himself. He moved to sit at the foot of Rey’s bed, and crossed his legs. He took deep breaths, focusing on slow inhales and exhales, and reaching out for the force all around him. He calmed, and fell into a meditative trance, knowing that this at least, is part of what Luke meant about more training. And while he usually dismissed the power of breathing and sitting around thinking rather than action, active learning, or physicality, he would do anything to help Rey. For her not to feel the pain and dark influence of that damned voice that had plagued him as long as he could remember. 

Later, although he wasn’t sure how much later, he felt something brush against his mind, and he snapped back to the present. His muscles were relaxed and his mind felt lighter. He braced for the dark, but he was pulled into either a dream or a bond connection. Rey was still asleep, but he thought that she was either conscious or under very lightly. She was sitting up, hands grasped in his. It was odd to see himself outside of a mirror reflection but he leaned against the wall, and observed. Interested to see what she might dream of them together. Ben and Leia had conversations about dreams often. They would go back and forth on whether they were random or if they reflected thoughts, desires or fears. Or if they were trying to tell you something. Either way, he was interested in this unguarded peek into her mind. 

They were talking but Ben couldn’t hear anything, he wasn’t sure if it was because it was a dream, or if Rey herself wasn’t dreaming words. Dream Ben’s hand went from holding hers to trailing it up and down her arm. Ben felt a real spike of pleasure, though he wasn’t sure if it was from himself, dream self, or from Rey. But he didn’t really care. It wasn’t really sexual pleasure, just contentment. A light tingling from the new contact. Dream Ben traced his hand higher until he was cupping her face. He was so jealous of this phantom him that he wanted to go over and take his place. But he also didn’t want the double appearance of Bens to halt the dream. So he clenched his fists and continued watching. He was so confused by this interaction and he didn’t know if he should be guilty for witnessing this, but he wasn’t sure if he could pull out even if he wanted to. 

Dream Ben was inching closer to her, eyes locked until he was mere inches from her face, then flicking down to her lips. Rey seemed to give permission because she closed the last distance and her lips touched his, once, twice then three times. 

“Ben? Can you hear me? Ben, I found something,” Ben didn't’ have to open his eyes to sense that Luke was hovering above him. He wanted to choke him for interrupting the dream and wanted to hug him because he might have more answers. He shifted awkwardly, pulling his legs up to hide himself but further putting strain on the tightness in his pants.  _ Over a dream kiss.  _ He thought to himself.  _ Well, it's our first. _ He argued back. Then he rolled his eyes at himself for having an argument with a dream version of himself as well as how he’d even thought the phrase ‘our first kiss.’ 

The door opened again, and Ben finally opened his eyes and Leia, Han and Chewie walked in. Ben’s ears and face grew hot and he shifted even more. Who else was going to be privy to Ben Solo trying to hide a hard on? 


	15. Artifacts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Han is a total nerfherder (ha!)  
> Leia has an understanding  
> And poor Ben is in pain

Rey felt a sharp spike of arousal, and she desperately wished that she could rub her thighs together for some friction. But then she came to a realization that if she felt that, Ben probably would too. The bond grew hazy and she knew Ben had put up walls. She’d been dreaming, oh choobies, she’d been dreaming of kissing him. She’d been staring at his face, and his full lips for some time while he was holding her, and the warmth of his arms, his piercing looks from his soulful eyes. And that translated into her dream. Rey wonders if he saw, and was of two minds. If he did see, then maybe it would give him ideas and she could see if his lips were as soft as she’d imagined, and the other part of her was embarrassed because what if he didn’t see her that way. Rey knew they were connected by this bond, but she didn’t know if they just shared feelings and thoughts or if there were _other_ implications. 

Feelings of shame and frustration seeped through the walls Ben had tried to erect to Rey, so she reached out and soothed the thread where they connected. She just hoped that the shame wasn’t because of her, bouncing off of her into him and back to her. She was confused how this all worked, but she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. 

She heard voices and forced her eyes to open and they met with Ben’s who was sitting at the foot of her bed. He did not look comfortable the way one of his legs was drawn to his chest and the other spread out and at a weird angle. He smiled and shifted again, trying to hide a grimace. _Are you in pain?_ She asked and he snorted. Moody, serious Ben Solo snorted in laughter. She felt her own lips form a huge smile, though she had no idea what had him cracking up. 

_If only you knew the_ sort _of pain, Rey._ Ben thought to himself. And then sent back “ _I’m fine. Good morning, sleepyhead.”_

Rey blushed and broke eye contact, clearing her throat and turning her eyes to see where the voices were coming from. Luke, Leia, Han and a gigantic Wookie were all crammed into her med room, and it caused her to smile even bigger. Her life had made quite the turn to have all of these people, some legends in their own accord, crowd into her room, and be so concerned and wanting to help her. 

“Something to share with the class, son?” Han quipped. He loved seeing his son in such good spirits. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard Ben laugh, much less snort. He liked this girl, even if he couldn’t stay, and had to try to get Leia back out and doing her job as well. Maybe Ben would come to like it here and be able to get control of his temper and his force… stuff. 

Ben shot a smile to Han, but didn’t answer. Instead he turned to Luke and asked “You said you found something?” 

“Yes, the Jedi texts mention a few ancient artifacts I found interesting. One, an obelisk, that could help locate other force users, and sense how powerful they are from anywhere in the galaxy. That was fought over by the light and the dark for many years, and Palpatine was the last one rumored to have it. Another, an amulet, can be used to bridge the minds of other force users, to plant suggestions and make contact over great distances. It was considered a Sith artifact though it wasn't dark in and of itself, but often they were used for the dark that the Sith hoarded them away. I think that there’s something that can counteract both of these. It can destroy their power no matter the distance but it is kept guarded on a moon of Onderon because of the nature of the artifact It requires immense power to use but it is kept guarded on a moon of Onderon because of the nature of the artifact.”

“Okay, Luke. Thanks for the history lesson, what can help Rey heal and keep my boy safe and in his right mind?” Han interjected. Ben didn’t miss the scathing elbow Leia shoved into his side, but to Han’s credit he only emitted a tiny grunt. Chewie let out a guttural noise of appreciation. Han was his best friend, but he loved it when Leia put him in his place. 

“Well, I think that Rey is healing well on her own, it will just take a bit more time. I think that Ben is in his right mind, he just has someone _in_ his mind. I think that this person used the obelisk to find someone as strong in the force as Ben, at a young age. And then I think they are using the amulet to speak to him and try to sway him to the dark.”

“Is this the voice that you mentioned before, that no one has yet to explain to me,” Leia demanded. 

“A voice? Who is hearing a voice?” Han asked.

“Your son, you laserbrain!” Leia said, her voice raised. “Luke, how long have you known about this? It explains so much. My poor son. A powerful sith in his head? Force!” Leia had advanced on her brother and was all but screaming at him. Ben hadn’t seen his mom lose her composure like this in years, and he _almost_ felt sorry for his uncle. “How do we fix it?” She said, her voice cold, but even and quiet again. 

“I’m not sure. But now that we know what we are dealing with, I think that I can help Ben and Rey with some meditation and tips on shielding. It won’t be easy, but that is all I know for now. I need to…” 

“Let me guess, do more reading?” Han finished. Ben quirked an eyebrow at his dad, surprised that even he had picked up Luke and his excuses when he didn’t have all the pieces to fill in the puzzle but wasn’t going to share until he understood. Or was desperate. And Ben hoped that the situation in his head, the voice… No the Sith, in his head didn’t brainwash him, or invade and damage his mind. Ben shook off a cold chill and now that he was aware his erection had subsided, got up and moved closer to Rey. 

Her eyes were wide and he could feel her fear, and her sorrow. “It’s okay, Rey. We will figure this out. And I will do my best not to let the voice in, not to let it hurt you or dim your light.” He took her hand gently into his, palm up and traced tiny, soothing circles.

“How long?” She asked.

“How long, what? Healing can take it’s time, especially on brain injuries,” Luke said. 

“Not that, I’m getting better, I know it will just take time. How long has this _Sith Lord_ been in your head?” She was appalled. “He was in my head for just a few minutes and I felt like I’d been violated, tainted. And the pain...” She shuddered just at the thought. 

“As long as I can remember,” he answered quietly. “At first, I thought that it was like that for everyone. But no one else had the constant headaches, and if I ever asked about hearing things, people got weird. Being sensitive to the force is one thing, but hearing voices? Someone having full out conversations that only you can hear? No one really understood. The closest I could find to what I was dealing with was a connection like Mom and Luke have. But that was different. An awareness of each other for sure, sometimes of great emotion from the other, or a word here or there.” 

Leia dropped her head in her hands, and started weeping. “Oh my boy. I remember you asking several times, and I… I didn’t know how to answer. Beyond explaining the bond I had with Luke, and how you and I could talk at times. I didn’t know what to do for you. I wish I would have known what he said to you, and not let you dodge the questions and dismiss what you were feeling and hearing.” 

Ben got up and awkwardly folded his mom into his arms. “It’s not your fault,” he whispered in her ear. 

Everyone else averted their eyes and let mother and son have a moment. 


	16. Movement

“So, what do we do?” Han said, always ready for action steps. “Me and Chewie can head to this moon and check it out. Wait… Do you have to be force sensitive to, you know, sense this artifact?” 

“Actually that’s not a bad idea. I can give you coordinates for the cave I think that it's at, and you two could do reconnaissance. Figure out who or what is guarding the temple, and their schedules. Then we can make more of a plan,” Luke answered. 

“Wait, temple? Like there are Siths there, worshipping or whatever it is they do?” Han said, shifting his feet, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “I mean, anything for Ben… and Rey. Just, uh, want to know what to expect.”

“No, it's a destroyed temple. So no worshipping, and it should be empty save the guards outside. But the temple is still dangerous--with lots of force protection and traps. I don’t want you to go in under any circumstance, Han.” Luke answered, firm and leaving no room for argument. Chewie vocalized his understanding and that he wouldn’t let Han go in. 

“Alright then, we will go prepare the Falcon and you’ll give us the coordinates?” 

Luke nodded, then Han and Chewie exited. Han was talking about parts and Chewie elaborated on what the issues were with the coils after they landed. 

“Will they be safe, Luke?” Leia asked, slightly hunched over, her brow creased. 

“As long as they don’t go in. But Han should be wary enough of the force, and Chewie is smart enough to listen. It will be much more dangerous to go in the temple itself and get this artifact. I need to go and read more about the protections. Maybe do some meditation and see if Yoda will come to me and guide me.”

When the room had cleared out again, Rey rested her eyes. She was overwhelmed with the information, with the huge change in her life, the worry that her parents may have come back for her while she was gone. “Rey?” Ben said gently. 

She opened her eyes and smiled. Of all the changes, this bond with this beautiful, hurting man was a wonderful surprise. She’d never felt so whole, so complete, so right. She knew that there were so many hurdles to go. Her healing for one, dealing with the Sith in Ben’s head, and by extension, her own. “Ben,” she sighed quietly.   
“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too,” he said, inching his hand towards hers. She couldn’t see his hand, only his face, but she could somehow feel the bond urging them closer. Rey knew he wasn’t touching her, but she knew he was getting closer. But too slowly; much too slowly. She concentrated hard on her fingers, willing them to move. She visualized her hand and grabbed ahold of the mysterious power inside her, what she knew must be responsible for how she could feel him in her mind. It worked! She did something right, because her hand did what a hand was supposed to do, it moved. It went right into Ben’s hand, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. 

“Rey! Rey, you moved your hand! That’s amazing sweetheart, how’s your head? Does it hurt?” Ben met her eyes, a huge smile on his face.

“It feels better, good even,” Rey said, tightening her grip on his hand. Ben brushed up against their bond, and then against the barrier she’d erected around her injured brain. The first was stronger than ever, and the second was much weaker, flickering from solid to translucent. Ben noted that her grip was tighter on his hand when the bubble was clearer, and it relaxed as it strengthened. 

“I think that you might be conserving your energy by protecting your brain,” he tried to imagine what he saw, and attempted to push it gently into the thread where their signatures met. “Do you see that?” 

Rey gasped and nodded. “I moved my hand. Ben! I think that I understand. I don’t think I am strong enough to completely drop it though.” 

Ben felt a wave of bone deep exhaustion and knew that it was from her. “Go to sleep, I will stay with you,” he murmured to her, pushing a strand of hair from her face. 

And if his hand lingered on the soft tanned skin of her face? Well, just an added bonus of being thorough. He had to protect her face… from her hair? Oh Force, I am acting like one of the boy crazy girls from class. But I’m not even sure that I care. Ben nodded to himself, as if deciding that he was hers, and if his thoughts or actions made him look like an idiot, then so be it. 

Rey watched his furrowed brows and the out of nowhere nodding of his head. She brushed up against his mind, wanting to know what had him so introverted, then the next moment a wide smile on his full lips. There was a wall up, and she didn’t want to invade his privacy if he had put it up because of her, but she did catch the general feel of his emotions. Happiness, amusement, and determination. 

“Hold me?” She implored him, shyly. He nodded and instead of gathering her in his arms like he’d done before, he gently rolled her to face the wall, and curled up behind her. They fit just right, and Rey revelled in the warmth and strength of his arm thrown over her, and his legs tangled with hers. She had just noticed his scent-- a hint of sweat, something that reminded her of the night sky, and a hint of aftershave-- as sleep took her over. 

Ben watched the steady rise and fall of her chest and cuddled into her warmth. His brain was racing with the new information, and he felt validated. He wasn’t insane, there was a legitimate dark force in his mind, and he wasn’t weak, because it had affected Rey as well. He felt even more desperate to figure out answers, he wanted to protect her from the pain. He regulated his breathing, and fell into meditation again. He wasn’t convinced how much it could help, but he knew that Luke would want to work with that. 

He took deep breaths and reached out with the force. As he relaxed he went through the different saber forms in his head, and then went into a meditative state. He wasn’t sure how much it would help at this point. But he did think there was value in teaching it to Rey since it hadn’t been drilled into her since she was learning to walk. She was so new to the force that learning to connect with nature and feel how it all works together would be good. He decided that he would teach her when she woke up next, and maybe he would learn something new teaching it to someone else. Luke had talked with him before about working with the younger padawans, but Ben could always feel his hesitation, and actually understood. 

Ben felt the dark side of the force more than anyone he knew, and he wouldn’t want to influence a child that way, knowingly or not. But Rey’s light was so bright, and he knew that through their connection he could sense if she was drawn that way and help her. He’d come up with ways over the years to find his way back into the light when the dark would try to seduce him. It wasn’t perfect but he’d never had someone that understood and didn’t fear him to teach him. Luke always just expected that the light would be the only option, that if you were doing your training right, then there wouldn’t be that temptation. And maybe that’s true for others, but Ben also knew that he’d had darkness inside his own mind. A physical entity that was constantly influencing him, whispering in his ear, trying to take over when he used the force.


	17. Time Marches On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Plans were made to scout out the guards of the artifact. Rey’s healing progresses. Oh, and some sweet cuddling and Ben musings*
> 
> I've decided to add "last time" summaries, because I know that I have personally been reading several that are not finished yet, and I might forget exactly what happened since I am reading more than one at a time. Let me know if you like it. Or if you don't. Or if you want a Ben Solo hug, because I know I do.

And so the next few months passed by. Rey and Ben would work on her shields, explore their force bond, and lots of meditation. Ben told her about the Jedi texts and codes, and tried to teach her to levitate as well as the beginners exercises of moving pebbles and using the force to deflect those same pebbles when he launched them at her lightly. 

They talked about everything and nothing while Rey was awake. Luke came everyday and worked on healing with her, and occasionally gave small updates on his research. He wasn’t ready for Han and Chewie to make the run to Onderon despite what he’d told them. He had found a holocron and needed to decipher how to open it and get it to reveal more about the artifact and the Onderon moon. Han and Leia were on and off the planet, seeing to political situations that came up and the fine art of smuggling. Han had a reputation to keep up after all, and contacts weren’t happy when he just stopped coming around. 

Rey and Ben never spoke about their feelings, and although she slept in his arms and they had near constant physical touch, holding hands, Ben would trail his fingers up and down her arms, but there was never anything like the dream Rey had happen in real life, and she worried that it wouldn’t be welcome. She figured the constant need to be touching each other might be the result of their bond, and nothing was ever anything but pure. The gentle touch of what Rey thought a friend might be like, and she realized that is what they were. Friends at the very least, they made each other laugh and smile. They both enjoyed when Ben brought in a book and read to her. But she didn’t know if it would be anything more than that, and resolved that was okay. 

The dark was never far away, but with Ben and Rey together, they were mostly able to keep it at bay. It had not been able to affect Rey like it did the first time, and Ben had learned that distance helped when he would hear the whispers start, and he wasn’t able to draw on their combined power to suppress it. He would usually make up an excuse that he was hungry, needed to train or needed a shower, and he would leave her and go across campus or find Luke, who had actually been really helpful in finding ways to strengthen the shields. They had been able to fend off the worst of the headaches as well, creating a sort of feedback loop. Luke had easier access in his shields and could also draw on Ben’s own power. 

As much as Ben wanted to stay by her side, he had started training again. He was working on finally building his own lightsaber, and he’d found someone who was willing to spar with him even though Ben usually dominated the matches. He had almost started to gain other student’s respect because he would invite them to come and face him, singles or in groups. He was able to keep his cool, and even if taunted, he would take a deep breath and ignore it. He attached with all he had, especially when they came at him in multiples but was able to be in control, tempering his movements at the last possible second, or using the force to protect his opponents from injury, while still managing to make it clear that he’d won the match. He did have a reputation and his pride to maintain. 

One day they were talking about how Ben felt more at home at the academy than he ever had. “When you are healed, you know that Luke would accept you, if you want a place here, that is.” Ben was so afraid that she would reject him, or want to go back to Jakku. That the bond was something that she didn’t want. But he was also loathe to say any of these things in case she hadn’t considered it, but when it was said out loud, it resonated with her. Ben had been reading as much as he could about the bonds. Why they existed, (no one knew--although there was speculation that people of great power were drawn together, yet others said that it might be all about balance of the light and dark) and it broke his heart, but trying to find out if they could be broken. He didn’t want Rey to feel like she was trapped. He’d already seen that the darkness in him can affect her, and he didn't want to hurt her or cause the light in her to dim. Hopefully when they found the artifact that could break the hold of the sith into Ben’s head it might not be as much of a burden. That she might keep it, even if mostly closed, even if she didn’t stay. Ben knew it was selfish, but he cared about her. Her presence made him happy, and he hoped that he made her happy as well. 

His mind had wandered, and it startled him when Rey finally spoke. “Why? I'm a nobody from Jakku, a scavenger. I have nothing to offer here.” 

“Don’t say that! You have come so far in a short time with the force. You impress Luke and believe me, that’s hard to do.”

“What if I don’t want the force? It scares me the power it has, and the power I could have. I know nothing of the world. Who gets to decide who gets the force? Why me? Why not someone who can use it to make the world a better place?”

“If you know that you don’t want to become a Jedi, then there are other options. My mom didn’t complete her training, although she used to love it, she will never tell anyone why. But she left it behind. She only uses it occasionally to reach out to me or Luke. She adores you, you know. You could be with her in the Senate. I am sure that you would have valuable input on how change could be effected to help people on planets like Jakku.” 

“I think that you are blinded by the bond. I’m nothing special. I’m no one special,” she replied firmly. 

“But, Rey…”

“Can we please talk about something else?” she pleaded. Ben could deny her little, so he moved on, but told himself to try to revisit this, to make her see that she was special. She had so much light in her, so much fight, and so much to offer no matter what she decided to do.


	18. Time with Leia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: I have researched for a bit some of what would be going on with Leia in 26 ABY, when I am setting this story, because I wanted Ben to be influenced to the dark, but not so far down the path. (I am new to the fandom, so please give me grace on details. I read another author imploring the Rule of Cool, and I will claim that, it’s fanfic so I will try to be authentic but I mostly want to write and play with Rey and Ben)
> 
> **Content warning: self love**
> 
> *Last time on WO: Time moves along, Ben begins teaching Rey and gets back into training himself. They discuss how Rey feels she doesn’t fit it and her low self esteem.”

He heard the door creak open, and turned to see Leia walking in. Ben holding Rey and being by her bedside had been a daily occurance. So he guessed that the lack of surprise at how he was laying beside her didn’t warrant much more than a raised eyebrow from his mom. “I was about to go over and get some breakfast, would you like to come?” She asked quietly. She’d just gotten in the night before, and this was just one of her many attempts to re-engage him. 

Ben bit his lip and considered her offer. Even though he was a grown man, a part of him still craved her undivided attention, and he tried to understand that she was doing important work for the galaxy, but there was still the little boy’s hurt at his mom being gone so much. She noticed his hesitation and guessed correctly that it had more to do with Rey than not wanting to be with her. He didn’t like to leave in the morning without talking to her, or knowing that someone would be there to check on her soon after he left. “Luke is on his way, he was just finishing up morning meditation with the students,” she reassured him. 

“Okay,” he said, stifling a yawn. He gently extracted himself from the bed, and adjusted Rey into what looked like a comfortable position. He cracked his neck and then followed his mom out of the room. He noted how small she looked, and the age lines around her eyes. Of course he was a “freakishly tall dude” according to his classmates, but his mom was also short, and of a small build. It had been so long since he really studied her, and he could see the worry lines from the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders and what he knew to be remorse for him. He took a few long strides and stopped in front of her. She came to a stop and looked up to meet his eyes. He awkwardly bent down and wrapped his arms around her. 

“What’s that for? Not that I’m complaining, mind you.” 

“Nothing in particular. I… I just wanted to tell you I love you mom,” he said, stumbling on the words that haven't been spoken in so long. He wanted to put the past aside, realizing they’d both done the best they could, and there was hurt and mistakes on both parts. Leia laid her head on his chest and happily sighed. This tender hearted but volitatle, kind but closed off, smart as a whip boy had grown into a man. But she could always remember him as a baby, or as a toddler following her around and always wanting to be cuddled. Perched as a five year old on Han’s lap intently watching everything he did, already learning to fly and idolizing Chewie. He’d chase him around, pull on and hide in his fur, and studiously watch and help as they did repairs for the Falcon. She tried to picture an exact time where she started to feel Ben withdraw and pull away from them, to try to hide his nightmares and his pain-- to protect himself or them she still did not know. It must have been a slow thing, one too many broken promises from her or Han. Him denying the time he used to spend with them slowly, so that it barely happened anymore. Leia shook off the memories and tried to live in the moment of having her boy in her arms, well sort of as much as a man his height and size can be in anyone’s arms. 

Ben finally pulled away, and they walked to his room first, so that he could change clothes and make a much needed trip to the fresher before heading to the dining area. Leia sat across from him, studying him as he shoved bread and eggs in his mouth and washed it down with piping hot caf. He seemed to be starving but she didn’t want to push him away by nagging at him to take care of himself more, but she did plan to speak to an attendant droid to bring meals to him if he didn’t come out of Rey’s room to eat. 

“You love her, don’t you?” Leia blurted out. So much for not pushing him away. She just hoped that he didn’t shrink into himself and they could soon change the subject to something he would talk about. 

Ben choked on the caf, and it took all he had not to spit it across the table at her question. “Um, what?” he finally settled on. “I mean, we… We’ve not really known each other that long. And I… I don’t know how she feels. It might just be that the force connects us because of our strength. It doesn’t have to be a romantic thing does it? I mean, I want… Well, it doesn’t matter what I want, Rey is in charge,” he said. Ben could feel his cheeks all the way to the tips of his ears flame. If he could rewind time, he would have ignored her question and not spilled out everything that came to his mind. Except for one thing. He knew that the simple answer to Leia’s question was ‘yes.’ But he didn’t want his mom to be the first one he admitted that to. 

Between his stammering and the look in his eyes, Leia had the answer too. She wanted to cry or dance with joy, not sure which-- or maybe both-- because she’d never expected an actual answer. When she contemplated asking him, she was just planning to watch his face and eyes. They were so expressive, he knew it too, and tried to keep his face impassive, he worked hard at it in fact, because other kids taunted him. Luke told her they would tease him just to see the pain written on his face, or invoke him to see how angry he would get. Ben hardened himself in lots of ways, and Leia wanted to punch some of these punk kids, because it had only gotten worse after he left home. She thought fondly of Poe, who was always kind to Ben, and included him and stood up for him enough that people steered clear when they were together. But Poe was about as far from force sensitive as her nerf-herder of a husband. So it had been years really since they had been together. 

Leia had mercy and changed the subject after a neverending minute of silence. “Poe has been training with Shara these days and running missions for the Republic. He’s shaping up to be quite the pilot and making a name for himself in the ranks.” 

“I’m happy for him, he has always been interested in piloting and being like his mom,” Ben answered. If he’d have blinked he would have missed the pain in Leia’s eyes. Ben had always wanted to be with her, but he also didn’t have any patience for formal events that came along with politics. The stiffness, the talking in circles, and false flattery. They all had their own interests, and though they wanted peace for the galaxy, taking all of the senators votes and concerns into consideration made getting anything done was like watching paint dry. He of course, admired what she did. Her strength of character, her charisma and her idealistic ideas all made her a wonderful leader. She had a way of making people feel heard and appreciated and maybe that was one of the reasons that Ben hated to see her go, he didn’t want that sort of attention given to anyone but himself. It was a child’s selfishness, wanting to keep his mother, not having to share her with the galaxy. 

But he did see the flash of pain, so he extended an olive branch and asked about how scouting was going. He had heard Leia talking with Han about rumors of unrest, or discord and uprising in the outer rim. So, he knew enough to ask thoughtful questions as they finished eating. 

“Why don’t you go take a shower? I thought I might see if Rey wants some girl time,” she said, nudging him towards his room when they got close.

“Girl time?” He said incredulously. “Mom, don’t force her to talk about me or her feelings. Give her--give us--a chance to explore them first.” 

“Well, I mostly wanted to see if she needed help with cleaning up. But what is girl time without talking about men? Don’t worry though, I won’t pressure her and I am a master at changing the subject. She’s safe with me.” 

Ben nodded, resigned. Leia had made up her mind, and there would be no changing her mind unless he followed her and refused to leave Rey’s med room. Which on one hand sounded like a great idea. But a shower did sound great and he wondered if Rey would be more comfortable with a woman helping her than a droid. Not that she could remember getting much if any help the last few years, he thought sadly. 

He’d told Leia a few weeks ago that Rey had never had a proper bath, being submerged in water was something that couldn’t really be done on such a dry planet as Jakku. It seems that Leia had decided to do something about that. The academy was mostly minimalistic, freshers and then like, the minimum to prepare good food for the students. But there were only a few bathtubs and they were in the med bay as Ben discovered one day while looking for a new set up tubing. He wanted to stretch his legs, so he went in the direction the droids came from with supplies and found the bathroom with the tubs. 

The droids, he knew from her recounting, would give her wipe downs in bed, or once every few days lift her into the sonic freshers. She likes being clean but not so much being handled by metal hands.

Ben wished that he could help her, but he knew that he would never be able to tamper his physical reactions. And like he remembered thinking on the Falcon nearly half a year ago, he didn’t want his first time seeing a naked woman to be anything other than having Rey fully healed and willing to be in his bed. 

He was glad he was behind the closed door as those thoughts took over. He would rather be in the shower, by himself rather than in a roomful of his family when he was aroused. He’d given up being embarrassed about his physical reaction every time he wakes up in bed, holding Rey. Luckily he is usually awake first, and is able to shift his hips away from her until he can get himself under control. If she ever noticed, she was kind enough to ignore it. He might wither in embarrassment if she ever did, but Ben was resigned. He was a healthy young man wrapped around a beautiful woman. 

He shivered, not from cold but from thoughts of said woman. He’d noticed that she was filling out some, thankfully, her once shockingly thin body made him sad. He wanted to take his nearly completed lightsaber and run it through Plutt for treating those people like that. He shook that thought off before it could spiral out of control. The voice liked to pick moments when he was distracted, especially when he was angry to pop into his head, and kindle that anger into something darker, rather than an emotion to be acknowledged and then moved on from. He instead focused on Rey’s light, the sound of her laughter and her sight of her smile, and he was able to be calm once again. 

Until imagining her smile led to thinking about how soft and kissable her lips looked. And how much fuller her hair was these days. He would occasionally run his hand through her hair, or brush it out for her, but he really wanted to thread his fingers through it and pull her in closer for their lips to meet. Which led to him thinking about last week, when he’d thrown his arm over her as they were getting ready to go to sleep, and he’d brushed up against the swell of her breast. He mumbled hasty apologies and readjusted his arm and his lower body. Her breathing had quickened but her eyes were closed and she didn’t respond, so maybe she’d actually fallen asleep that quickly, or else she was giving him mercy and not making it into a big deal. 

He’d liked everything about her looks from the minute he saw her, but the fullness that had developed in her chest was definitely interesting. And dangerous. They must have grown overnight or else he was just more mindful of where his body was in relation to hers. But he knew that wasn’t strictly true. He’d caught glimpses when her robes would bunch in the most glorious of ways and he could see the outline of them. But he tried to be a gentleman and keep his eyes on her face. Or anything else, so he didn’t embarrass himself. They were getting better at keeping their thoughts separate unless they wanted to open up to the other one. But feelings still ran between them mostly unchecked. It took concentrated blocking like he put in place as he stepped into the shower. 

He was too fixated on her breast, and it had been too long since he’d had a release, so there was already a bead of moisture leaking. He used that and some soap to build up a slow rhythm. He always had to push down guilt when he imagined her body in this way, but it just felt so right, he could only hope she would forgive him if she found out even if she didn’t feel attracted to him in that way. She’d shown nothing but compassion, acceptance and love so he banked on that. He imagine cupping her breasts, placing featherlight kisses to her neck, then across her collarbone and down. His tongue would snake out and twirl the puckered tip in his mouth while massaging the other in his hand. He could almost feel her hands in his hair, gripping but not too tightly, her back arched and her mouth opened. His thrusts had picked up and he didn’t last long at all, sagging with relief when he was spent. Once his breathing and heart rate returned to normal, he finished cleaning himself, got dressed and went to find a partner to spar with. 

After all, who knew how long Leia would keep Rey hostage. He knew that Rey was fierce and fiesty. She was a good match for Leia, and even not at a fraction of her strength, she could handle herself. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: I wanted to progress time a bit in the last chapter, because Leia is throwing out big words like LOVE. I wanted it to be feasible that Ben would answer like he does. 
> 
> Plus, there is some breast development. And no Ben, that doesn’t happen overnight. **


	19. Rey’s turn with Leia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: buckle up the pain train is coming full steam ahead. Hold on to the fact that I am all about a HEA, eventually**
> 
> *Last time on WO: Ben and Leia have a heart to heart, including talking about Ben’s feelings about Rey.*

Rey woke up and was disappointed to find the bed empty. She was definitely getting spoiled by so much time with Ben and at times, it seems like they had always been together. She wiggled her fingers and toes, vowing not to take something like this for granted. Moving is supposed to be natural, a given, something you just did instead of having to put thought and effort into. 

Luke came in not long after, as she was working on moving her fingers together and separately. Luke kept telling her not to push it, to let the barrier protect her when she felt too tired, and she tried to listen, but luckily this morning, she was doing even more than she had the day before, and she was still feeling good, had energy. Luke touched her arm lightly, and then pushed in the force, healing her with her shield open and closed. He talked a little after that about his students, how he trained the padawans, and what their day to day looked like. 

“I try to get the older students to pair up with the younger. They will take them through fighting drills, meditation and breathing. Then for an hour before and after lunch, they work on life skills. Reading, writing and maths for the little ones, and as they get older they begin to explore other avenues, like repairs of ships, which I am sure that you could teach a thing or two about when you are feeling up to it. They also do flight sims, have mock debates about politics, and the likes…” 

Luke kept talking, but she zoned out. Something that he said clicked with her and she wasn’t sure what to feel about it. It seemed to be a certainty she would stay when she was fully healed. She was torn because even though Ben had said they would try to find out what happened to her parents, she felt an almost blind compulsion to be back on Jakku, waiting for the day they would show up. But she also couldn’t imagine leaving Ben, and she wasn’t selfish enough to ask him to come with her. He had so much more than her give up, teachers who understood the force, parents and family that loved him and wanted him around. She thought sadly about the hurt and division that was in the family, but she also felt he was lucky to have family there to have issues with. No matter how much they hurt him or left him, while in capable hands, still they would leave and go out across the galaxy-- she knew that Leia, Han and Luke loved Ben deeply. 

“Well, I will let you keep working. You really are making such good progress. I’ve seen brain injuries like this leave a person completely changed-- both physically and mentally disabled. But I have no doubt that you are going to get back to yourself completely.” Luke said, withdrawing his hand from her arm after giving it a soft pat. Rey felt guilty that her mind had been wandering, but Luke seemed to know that and not be offended or upset. 

After Luke left, she focused on her wrists and ankles next. She lowered the barrier around her mind, and was pleased that it wasn’t unbearably painful. Her wrists cooperated better than her feet, so she flexed those instead. She moved on to lifting her arms from the bed. It was only maybe an inch, but that was an inch more than last week. She noted that they felt weak and stiff. The droids came in and moved her arms and legs, and instructed Ben on moving her around so she didn’t get pressure sores. She wished at times that Ben was the one who would hold each part of her body in his hands, working her muscles when she couldn’t. He took her hands often enough, but going to the elbows or shoulders, or even more intimate, her thighs and hips. She remembered that her mental shield that kept her from sharing everything that went through her head was down often when the barrier that helped heal her brain was down, and quickly changed that train of thought. She hoped that Ben was busy and his own end of the bond was closed. She wasn’t sure if he would appreciate her having these sorts of thoughts about him, and didn’t want to ruin the friendship they were forming. 

She took a deep breath to center herself when she heard a soft knock and the door creak open. She turned her head slightly to see who it was now, because she didn’t feel his force signature. Leia came in, and Rey wished that the floor would open up and swallow her. What if she somehow knew what Rey was thinking about her son. Rey cleared her throat, and knew that her face was red, because she felt the heat on her neck and chest. 

“Working hard” Leia asked. 

Rey couldn’t tell if she was asking about her working her limbs or if she was making a joke about whatever it might be that made her blush. “Um, yeah. Luke just left. He said that I’m doing great.” 

“I just had breakfast with Ben. He was going to shower before he came back over here,” Leia answered, sitting on the chair beside her bed, with one leg tucked under the other. 

Oh Force. He was in the shower. With no clothes on. And she couldn’t help but try to imagine what the muscles and ridges in his stomach would look like. They felt heavenly when she was pressed against them, she knew that for sure. 

Choobies. She’d almost forgotten Leia was sitting there. Her face got even hotter, and she cleared her throat.

“Thirsty?” Leia asked with a smirk. 

_ Kriff.  _ She had to know where Rey’s mind was. She hoped like mad that Leia wouldn’t relay this information to Ben. But she wasn’t sure how to ask, especially if that smirk was for something else. It would just be putting it out there with no room for uncertainty that she cared for Ben, and found him attractive. 

Rey nodded, and Leia retrieved a glass of water from the other side of the room and came over and propped Rey up. It was a relief to be able to eat and drink again, even if only in small amounts at a time. She hated all of the tubes, and she’d never had anything like the breads, meats, cheeses, and fruits they brought her. Selfishly, that might be another reason that she never wanted to return to Jakku. Going back to the aching hunger, and the constant grind of hoping to find enough to trade for food. Although Rey was getting pretty fed up and stir crazy laying in the bed all of the time. 

“Would you be opposed to my helping you get cleaned up properly?” Leia asked.

Rey’s face lit up but then she considered the positions it would put both women in. She bit her lip and tapped one of her fingers against the bed. 

“I don’t mind, I promise. I wouldn’t have offered otherwise,” Leia prompted. 

Rey nodded, and smiled at the beautiful woman who walked towards her bed. “I can’t imagine a senator and general wanting to give a nobody like me a bath though,” she said quietly. 

“Don’t say that. You aren’t a nobody. You have a place here in the academy if you want it. Or you could come with me, I travel around the galaxy and I know that you would love seeing other planets, and cultures. Besides, anyone who can make my son smile like he has been, is  _ everything _ to me.” 

Rey blushed, but treasured the compliment as well as Leia’s words. She’d never imagined that she could have all these people who weren't her family care for her. She didn’t even know if her blood family cared half as much as those who surrounded her. 

Leia smiled and placed a kiss on the top of Rey’s head. She then put on what Rey called her business face, and worked to unhook Rey’s supplemental nutrition. “Do you know the last time they changed your cath wire?” 

Rey blushed and frowned at the tube and bag attached to her  _ down there. _ She always hated it, but Ben usually ignored it except to make sure the tube wasn’t kinked when he was rearranging her. She was sure that the med droids had some way to monitor that, and she used to tell him so. “ _ I’m here and I can handle making sure it’s not kinked when I pull you in my arms.”  _ He was such a gentleman and she wanted to kiss him silly for it. But kriff, she would be so glad to get it out for good, to be able to walk to the fresher on her own. 

“The day before yesterday, I think,” she answered, making sure that she kept her voice even and strong. She wanted to be worthy of the elegant leader that was becoming her fast friend. She is sure that Ben would argue that she was already worthy, but she also thinks that he more than anyone would understand the desire to impress Leia, to be the best version of yourself. So while she felt humiliated, she also knew that it was out of her control, so she would focus on what she could control. One of them being to control her thoughts about Ben in front of his mom. 

Leia clamped the line and treated it with the same regard as Ben. That it's just a tool, it doesn’t make her any less, and in the end, everyone has to empty their bladders. Now, Rey would certainly draw the line at having anyone but a medical droid help her with other sorts of elimination. Ben wasn’t dealing with anything like that, not if she ever wanted to be able to look him in the eyes. 

If anything, Rey was glad for these unpleasant realities because it dampened all thoughts of Ben in  _ that _ way. She didn’t know if Leia would approve of Rey thinking of her only son in that way. But something about the way she has asked if Rey was  _ thirsty _ implied she knew. The only thing worse in that context would have been asking if she was hungry.  _ Why yes, Leia, I want to have your son kiss me for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And then maybe for dessert he can take his shirt off.  _

So much for those thoughts been dampened. 

“Ben said Han is coming back next week,” Rey said, to break out of her thoughts. Leia had just come over with a droid and one of the cold transport chairs. Leia supported her into a more upright position and the droid then scooted her over on the chair. Leia shooed her hands at the droid and it beeped in protest, insisting it should help. The Leia face worked on even droids, Rey was amused to see, since it turned and left them in the room. 

“Yes, Luke sent a holo last week and asked them to come when they were done with their job. He won’t say what he’s figured out, but I guess he’s ready for them to check out those guards.” 

It was subtle but Rey noticed a furrowing of Leia’s brow as she mentioned their upcoming assignment. If it were just Rey, then she would tell them not to go, that it wasn’t worth the others being in danger. But she’d see how much it tears Ben apart, he wants so badly to cling to the light. But the dark has its hooks in Ben and takes every opportunity to find any weakness in him and unravels him. 

She knows that the voice hasn’t been completely gone. But she gladly lends her power to reinforce their mental shields, and she also knows that Luke has found a way to help Ben with the pain. She wishes that she could protect him like he’s been protecting her, but she works on the meditation, memorizing the forms even though she can’t physically go through them. Some of them are very similar in style and technique that she used with her staff, but others are not as natural but she can see the value of them when engaging in fighting. Most of her attackers on Jakku had little besides their own bodies, or a knife, but if Rey could keep them at a distance with her staff, they really didn’t have any chance. But if she were up against someone trained, she would need more of the defensive forms, as well as learning with a saber, instead of something twice its length. 

They reached the washroom, and Rey gawked at the tub. She barely notices when Leia unties and slips the robe from her shoulders. “I have never seen that much water in one place! Maybe I shouldn’t, who will have to go without today?”

“Without what dear?” Leia asked. They were up against the side of the tub, and Leia lowered Rey into the water. Leia sat on the side, and helped keep Rey upright.

It was warm and heavenly. On a planet where every drop was precious, this felt so extravagant. Rey felt a stab of guilt, but she could still appreciate how her muscles practically melted. She couldn’t stop a moan from escaping as the water made her feel almost weightless. She slumped back against Leia and closed her eyes. 

“Water. Who will have to go without water?” 

“Oh, dear girl. No one. This isn’t a desert planet, so I forget that you wouldn’t know these things. Relax. This water like most of the non drinking water is collected from the rains, or else filtered through the river.”

“Oh, right. I have read about rivers and I’ve seen a holo that had one on it. That one also had an ocean. I just can’t imagine it. But I want to see it one day.” 

“Of course. We’d love to take you. I haven’t been to Hanna in so long. Neither has Ben. that’s where he was born, you know. He was such a handsome baby. So smart, alert and sweet. He had so much hair even then. He wasn’t the best sleeper, so often we would travel with Han when he was on the safer jobs. I still have a holo picture somewhere, but I can still imagine it in my mind of the two of them curled together in the copilot chair of the Falcon, with Chewie trying to quietly run the ship. And you know Chewie. He was so happy all the time though. Until, well until the nightmares… But he’s happy now. In a much different way, but one that suits the man he’s become. Still handsome and charming just like his dad.”

Rey couldn’t agree more. She smiled softly and wished that Leia would find that holo sometime and show her. To see Ben at such a young age, when he wasn’t pulling apart from the inside, chubby cheeks and bright eyes. 

“Are _ you _ happy, Rey?” Leia asked softly, running her fingers through Rey’s damp hair with shampoo and smoothing out the knots. 

“Yes,” she said, leaning more into Leia’s hands. Soon Leia finished washing her hair, and toweled it partly dry, and set to weaving it into braids. Leia wondered if Ben could still do any of these braids. He used to beg to play with Leia’s hair so she taught him some Nabooian styles. 

Rey loved it when Ben played with her hair, but when Leia did it, it was different. Motherly is the best word that came to mind. She has a blurry memory of her mom doing her hair. In three evenly spaced buns, cute but practical as it kept her hair back so it didn’t tangle or catch on parts or the ship itself. It was a style that Rey kept because of sentimental reasons but also very practical. Having chunks torn out was not pleasant and Rey could attest to that fact.

Leia went quiet, focusing on weaving the hair just so. It was a sturdy braid, but beautiful, almost like a crown. Leia thought it would hold well for being in bed, or rather, in her son’s arms. He seemed so unsure of Rey’s feelings, and while Leia was almost certain that at least Rey was physically attracted to him, she wanted to make sure that the feelings ran deeper before she encouraged Ben to open up. He couldn’t handle his heart being broken in yet another way, if he put himself out there and Rey rejected him. But a part of Leia also thought that they were dancing around each other, both so unsure of themselves and what their true feelings might be, their force bond only complicating things. Were the feelings a result of the bond? Or was the bond only stronger because of the feelings. Or worse, what if Rey didn’t have any deeper feelings for Ben. 

Leia didn’t want to pry, she’d tried to gently probe Rey’s reaction, talking about how attractive he was. She had mentioned that he was happy now, but he hadn’t been, not to this extent for some time.  _ Force, did you put them together because their stubborness is the only thing that rivals their potential with the light side? _

“Does he make you happy?” Leia tried again. 

“Yes. He is so thoughtful to me, you’ve raised a gentleman Leia. He makes me laugh, and he seems to just understand me. I can’t say how much it means to me how he’s been there for me. I know there is so much more he could be doing towards becoming a Jedi, or going out and making a difference with you on the Senate. He is so charming, people must fall over themselves to please him and get his favor.”

“Yes, he’s always been more at ease with adults, but I think he would hate the Senate, the stuffines and formality. But he does have such great ideas, just not the best way to accomplish them,” Leia answered.  _ Kriff it, Rey. Give me something here.  _

“He treats you like I’ve never seen him do before. No one has ever turned his head, I don’t know if its because of how his peers treated him. But they don’t know what they are missing, he has so much love to give.”  _ Please don't be mad at me Ben Solo.  _ “I think that he doesn’t have confidence that anyone could see him in that light, as a partner. Many want to use him for his connections, or for his power. Others want to see him hurting. But you don’t.” 

“No, I am lucky to have him as a friend. I think someone will see him, how incredible he is. Someone worthy of him,” Rey said. “Because I could never be. He could never want  _ me _ , a desert rat, a nobody.” She finishes so quietly that Leia only hears half of what she said, but she doesn’t ask about it since she is sure those words aren’t meant for her. Rey probably didn’t realize she’d spoken aloud. 

“He  _ is  _ incredible. And I think he has met someone that is worthy of him,” Leia says quietly, trying to encourage Rey and see that Ben felt more than friendship with her. Just in case she was covering up her feelings to his mom and relying on the friend card. “Are you ready to get out?”

Rey feels ice cold. Goosebumps are raised and her stomach turns. She had been so stupid, to think that maybe, maybe he might one day see her like she sees him. But he’s met someone. Rey is sure that she’s beautiful, curvy, from a respectable family. Maybe even one of the other padawans at the academy. Maybe the force made a mistake because she doesn’t feel powerful. “Yes, please. Can you call the droid?” She asks, struggling to keep her voice steady. 

“I can help you dear,” Leia said, wrapping one arm around Rey’s neck. 

“No thanks, I’m sure that you have other things you could be doing. But I appreciate the help, the bath was lovely.” Rey couldn’t help it, her voice cracked on the last word, and she wishes that Leia would give her time to get herself together before Ben came back. She’s sure that Leia had this conversation with her so that Ben would stop sleeping in her bed, and taking up all his time. After all, if it were Rey, she would not want her partner to be like that with another person. 

“Rey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...” Leia began. 

“Please, just go. I need a little while,” Rey interrupted shakily. Somehow she wasn’t sobbing yet, but she knew that it wouldn’t be long. 

“At least let me help you onto the chair, I can’t let you go while you’re in the water. You’re stronger but I..,”   
  


Rey nodded and turned her head away from Leia. Leia wrapped a towel around her and summoned a droid from outside the door. Once the droid was with Rey, Leia trudged out the door, and her only thought was  _ Ben is never going to forgive me.  _

As soon as the door shut, Rey gave in and let the tears fall. This was not a graceful tear or two, it was ugly. Snot running down her face, and she was sure that her eyes were already red and swollen.

“Are you in pain? Should I fetch Master Luke?” The droid inquired as he gingerly finished drying her off and slipping her robe back on. 

“No. I don’t want to see anyone. Is that possible?” 

“Master Ben, then?” The droid persisted as it helped her into bed and situated the tube and wire. 

“No! Especially not him,” she said through hiccups. 

“As you wish Miss Rey. No visitors? Are you sure you’re not in pain? I can get you a nice tea or some remedies.”

Never had Rey been so ready to slam something against the wall and watch it shatter than right in that moment. 


	20. Chapter 20 Wrath of Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last time on WO: Rey thinks that Ben is with someone else, and she feels all the feels. 

On the other side of the academy, Ben snapped out of his mediation. Waves of sadness, pain, agony, and defeat crashed into him, even with his shields up. His eyes met with Luke’s and Ben nodded his head towards the med ward. He broke into a jog, running through possibilities in his head. Had the voice gotten through to just Rey? Is she hurt? Did news of her parents somehow make its way to her without him knowing? 

As he rounded the corner, he found his mom slumped on the floor, just outside Rey’s door. “Mom? Mom! Are you okay?’ Maybe that is why Rey is upset. Leia raised her head and met Ben’s eyes. 

“Yes, I’m fine. But Rey… I… I’m sorry, I was just trying to help,” Leia whispered. 

Any other time he would feel badly for his mom, she looked so sad, defeated and slumped on the ground like that. However his attention was on Rey’s emotions which were even stronger the closer he got, and it felt like someone had punched a hole through his chest.

He went to open her door, trying to shut off his end of the bond extra tight because he didn’t want his emotions feeding hers. But the door was locked, he waited a few minutes because they often locked the door for her privacy, helping her with self care. He leaned against the door, tapping his foot, occasionally looking over and glaring at his mom. “What did you do? Or say? She’s devastated. I was trying to steer the conversation you… I was, I am pretty certain she cares for you beyond the bond and friendship. She was opening up and then she just shut down. She started muttering to herself, I don’t even think she realized she was talking out loud. I heard her say something about not being worthy, and then she shut down, and ordered me to leave.”

The idea of Rey ordering around a seasoned senator was almost enough to make him smile. Almost. “Hasn't it been long enough for the droids to attend to her,” he asked through gritted teeth. 

“Probably, I will let you go in by yourself. She was pretty upset with me.”

Ben nodded and tried the door again. It was still locked so he knocked. The med droid came to the door, and stepped Ben’s way, causing the door to slide shut behind him. “I want to see Rey. Why’s the door locked? Is she still not dressed or indisposed?” Ben demanded.

“Master Ben, Miss Rey doesn’t want visitors, I have to insist that you leave and let her rest.”

“Surely she doesn’t mean me? I’m her… Well, I’m important to her. We’re bonded and she’s upset. I want to comfort her,” he was getting more and more annoyed with this hunk of metal blocking his access to the door.”

“No, sir. She specifically mentioned you, as well as Senator Organa. Now, I must insist that you let her rest.”

Ben lifted his hand and lifted the droid in the air, and suspended him there. He stalked to the door, and pressed his hand to the sensor. It flashed red, and chimed access denied. 

He advanced on the droid and let it crash onto the floor. He yanked on its wrist, using the force to augment his strength until the hand separated from the arm in a shower of sparks. He pressed it to the door, fully expecting it to open, but once again it flashed red and chimed ‘access denied. Please see the doctor for new code.’ 

Ben punched the door, only denting it slightly even using the force. He paid no mind to the cracking of the bones in his fingers and the blood dripping from his hand. “Rey?” He called, pressing his face to the door. “Please let me in. I just want to help.” His voice came out surprisingly gentle for the mood that he was in. 

Only silence even though he was sure she could hear him, unless she was sleeping. He brushed against their bond, and it was too active for her to be asleep. He caught the flavor of her emotioned and they were the same with the addition of conflict. But after a couple of seconds what amounted to a steel wall slammed down on the bond, and he couldn’t feel anything save the fact that she was alive. 

“Where’s the doctor?” He demanded of the droid in a dark and cold voice. 

“Ben? Let’s give her some time. Let’s go see Luke. He can look at your hand and he might get access since she surely won’t want to skip the healing sessions. He can get some kind of direction as to her thoughts.” He wanted to argue just because it was Leia that started this cascade of events leading to Rey shutting him out. But it was a solid plan and he couldn’t find fault. He turned and lengthened his stride, leaving Leia behind as he sensed Luke’s signature and headed his way. 

He found his uncle in a study room at the back of the library, and Ben barged in, the door banging loudly against the door. Luke had books spread out everywhere, a few holocrons interspersed. He had been meditating, raised about a foot off the floor. He opened his eyes at the intrusion and floated back down to the floor.

“Ben, is everything okay?” Luke prodded.

“No. There’s something wrong with Rey. And she’s blocking me and won’t let me in her room,” he words spilled out. He hated the weakness in his voice, Luke seeing him vulnerable. 

“Medically? Did she fall? Is she unconscious again?” Luke rose to his feet and met Ben’s eyes.

“No. It’s emotional, something happened with Leia. Her pain is bad, and she is blocking me both through the bond and by locking the door. I don’t have access anymore. It feels so wrong after having the bond opened the majority of the time. Her shield is strong, and I don’t think that I could break it without hurting her,” Ben explained. 

Luke made to say something but changed his mind and scratched his eyebrow. His tic. Ben figured that he would lecture him for studying mind penetration because it was such a darkside ability --even bringing it up in the same sentence as his bonded. Or maybe to admonish him for calling his mom Leia, which he slipped into when dark emotions were taking over. 

“Look at his hand. I heard bones break,” Leia said, finally reaching the library. Luke nodded and cradled Ben’s hand in his own. He sighed, he hated seeing wounds like this on his nephew, especially ones that he inflicted on himself. 

“You can look at it later. Please go try to talk to her, you might be the only one that she’ll let in.” Ben yanked his hand away, stood up and turned for the door. Maybe she would let him in after Luke talked to her. 

“No, let's take care of this first. If she lifts the shield, the last thing she needs is to feel a mangled hand.” 

Ben nodded, when Luke put it that way, he was still putting Rey first. He sat back down in front of Luke and stuck his hand out. 

This is not at all what Ben expected his day to be like. 


	21. Rey’s struggle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content warning: self harm**
> 
> *Last time on WO: Leia spends time with Rey and there’s a huge misunderstanding.*

“Mistress Rey? He has gone for now. Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah, can you turn me to the wall?” Rey knows that precautions are being taken to keep her privacy and people out, but Rey also knew that Ben was strong, both physically and mentally. She had heard him bang on the door, and if he got in she didn’t want the first thing he saw to be her swollen face. Leia had probably already told him about the conversation and she had put up walls as strong she could, fearing she would feel pity for her. As the droid got closer, she noticed that the droid was missing an arm.  _ Oh, Ben.  _ She hoped that he wasn’t struggling with the darkness because she was shutting him out. But she just didn’t have the strength to deal with him now. She was fighting feelings of defeat and being unworthy. She’d so hoped that they had made a connection, but then she realized that they could still be friends even if he had found a girlfriend. 

She just needed to deal with her own issues and pain. Somehow it felt like she was being left behind again, that she wasn’t  _ enough _ . Logically she knew that she had no right to hope and expect that Ben felt the same way. He’d given no indication that his concern had a deeper connotation than their force bond. Or they were any more than friends. Then again, she had no real concept of how friendships worked, much less adding in her physical attraction to him, how their minds and emotions were connected and often felt by the other. 

The droid brought her over some water and wiped off her face with a cool rag. It then awkwardly and mechanically patted her arm. She smiled at him, it was shaky but she wanted to show her appreciation. After all it faced the wrath of Ben Solo and lost an arm in the process. Rey tried to reconcile that version of him with the one who gently held her in his arms, and went above and beyond to help her heal and feel cared for. 

Thoughts of Ben caused her to start crying again, and she felt so far from the fierce and independent girl from Jakku. It disturbed her how much this man could affect her, and feel like she was falling apart from the inside out. She moved her hands to her stomach and put pressure. It felt like she needed to hold herself together, like something had ripped right through her and took something essential. She wished that she could go back to before she understood what the force was, and could have her mind to herself again. But then she would never have gotten to know Ben, heard his laugh, felt his half smile pressed into her hair, heard his stories of his divided childhood. The happy priceless memories, as well as the pain of feeling like he was never good enough and struggling constantly with the call to the dark. 

‘Ugh, Rey. Get yourself together. You are still special to him, no one will ever share a mind with him like you do. He’s not dead, he just about broke his way through a metal door and disassembled a droid to gain access. But maybe that should scare me. Will his desperation, his draw to the darkside cause my mind to be torn in two right along with him. Or would it be three presences? Mine, Ben’s and the sith’s.’ She thought to herself as she stared out the window. All this back and forth, and the emotions left her drained. 

It was so quiet that when the whirring of the med droid approached, it startled her. It felt like her heart jumped in her throat. She was so raw, and had just settled into a sort of numbness. “Mistress Rey? Master Luke is here to see you. He says he has some food, wants to heal you, and maybe work on some training.”

“No, thank you. I don’t want any company,” she croaked. Her throat was dry and scratchy from the crying. 

“He said that you might say that. He’s alone. He says you don’t even have to talk.”

“Please, I just can’t right now,” Rey said. She fixed her eyes on a bird flitting from tree to tree and tried to ignore what she thought was disapproval from the droid. 

“As you say. I will let him know. Give a call if you need anything.” 

Rey didn’t bother to answer. She was so tired her shields slipped. 

_ I can make you worthy of him. He will see the error of his ways when he sees how powerful you are. You are special and I see that. Let me in. I can help you.  _

Rey screamed and tried desperately to lift her hands to her eyes. There was such pressure there and if she could just scratch and claw them out, maybe that would make it go away. Her hands only made it as far as her chest and she could feel them tearing into her skin, the coppery smell of blood reaching her nose and making her stomach turn. Maybe she could just bleed him out then. She dug her fingers in deeper and wished that the noise would stop. It was piercing and just  _ wouldn’t  _ quiet. She realized dimly that the noise was her, but she couldn’t stop. It could have been hours, days or seconds but she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she gathered as much of the force as she could and  _ pushed. _

“Rey? Rey!” She heard distantly. She finally opened her eyes to see Master Luke laying on the floor in a corner. Guilt threatened to pull her back under from the brief reprieve seeing what she’d done to the jedi. “Focus on my voice. Take a deep breath and hold it. One, two, three. Good now release it.” Rey’s breathing was ragged and irregular from the crying and screaming, the painful, horrible invasion of her mind. It was the same and different when she experienced it second hand through Ben. But she tried to calm down, focus on the breath filling and releasing from her lungs, and piece by piece putting her shield back up. 

“Thank you,” she whispered after a time. She finally felt like she had control of herself and her shield for now, but she was drained and weary to the bone. 

“The sith, he’s got in your head, didn’t he?” Luke asked, his voice gentle but strong. 

“Yes. I hate it. I was… upset. And I… Well, I needed some space from Ben, so I put up a strong shield against him through the bond, and then I lost concentration and the one just around my mind slipped,” she explained. Tears slid down her cheeks once again and she was so kriffing tired of it all. 

“Shielding is hard in of itself. You are so young in the force, and you already have three to manage, you have to be easier on yourself. I would put your focus more on the shield protecting your mind and the barrier that is helping you to heal. Ben…”

“That’s just it. I didn’t want him to feel what I was feeling. I know it's not fair, and it was one thing I could control,” Rey said defensively. 

“I’m not judging you or saying that I don’t understand. I was simply trying to help, making a suggestion. Can I take a look at your injury?” Luke asked, edging closer to the hurting girl before him. He was so frustrated that he couldn’t find the answers he needed to destroy the power this sith had over people he cared about. He laid his hands gently on her wound, careful to maintain her dignity, but it made him feel powerless. This was the second injury he’d healed today from people that he greatly cared for. One was for sure from the Sith, and Ben’s instability when he is upset and going to extremes is probably a result as well. But it had been years of trying to heal Ben, his headaches, the pain that he carved into his skin. It made Luke feel every year of his age, and once the skin had knit together, he slumped on the nearby chair. 

“Why don’t you try to get some sleep? I will stay until my strength is back and I will make sure you are given some time alone. Will you let me come back tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Rey answered sleepily. If she couldn’t have Ben with her right then, she did take comfort in another familiar force signature nearby. She had thought that having someone see her so weak would only make it worse, but Luke was so fatherly, his presence was a comfort even when she earlier thought she wanted to be alone. 

She reinforced the shield around her mind, the barrier to help her heal, and then lastly, as if to show priority to her brain, the connection between her and Ben. Not as much passed through emotionally when they were sleeping, so she felt okay if that was the first to fall if she couldn’t manage it all. 


	22. Chapter 22 Separation sucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Rey faces the dark first hand and mourns what she thinks is the impossibility of a romantic relationship with Ben*

Ben paced the floor, occasionally stopping to glare at his mom, but then feeling a little guilty because she looked so tired and defeated. 

“What exactly did you say to her?” Ben asked, tempering his voice when he felt like snarling. 

“I was talking you up. After all you are my son and I’m proud of you. I talked about how you are happier around her than I have seen you in a long time. But then she was talking so quietly to herself, but I did hear her saying something about how she felt she was a nobody. And I might have mentioned that you have met someone worthy of you. Meaning her of course. Then she cut me off and sent me away and didn’t let me say anything else.”

“Did you say that you meant her?” Ben asked, his voice ice cold. He was pretty sure that he understood what happened. Rey had mentioned more than once that she felt like a nobody, that she didn’t have a place with them. Ben always tried to reassure her, but he wasn’t sure that she believed it. That was one of the times that Rey consistantly blocked him. 

“I think so? I don’t know,” Leia answered, frowning. 

“She thinks that I’m with some else. She didn’t read the subtext and she’s already convinced that she is unimportant, unworthy of the Force, or of anyone caring for her, especially loving her.” Ben clenched his hand and resumed his back and forth across the room, his steps more agitated. “I need to see her.” Ben reached out and caressed the bond, hoping she would feel his acceptance and how much he cared for her. Hoped that she would accept his comfort. He felt it grow even more solid and he sighed--though he was not surprised. 

“Poor girl. I wish that I would have kept quiet. Or have chosen my words more carefully.”

“What’s done is done. Don’t blame yourself, I know that you were trying to help,” Ben said, carefully. He pushed down the anger that Leia unknowingly probably set them back even further. 

Ben finally sat on the floor beside her. Mother and son feeling defeated and clueless on how to help the girl they both cared for. They sat in silence, Ben trying to meditate, even if to just pass the time. It felt like Luke was taking forever. 

Hours later, Luke came into the room. He looked exhausted and pale. Ben jumped up and led him to a chair. “How is she? Did she let you see her?” Ben demanded. He felt bad pushing his uncle when he was so obviously sapped, but he felt a tightness in his chest at not knowing, at being so thoroughly shut out. 

“She’s sleeping now,” Luke said. It infuriated Ben that he got quiet and it seemed that he was going to leave it at that. 

“She… had a rough evening. Rey is in a lot of pain, and although I healed her physically, I can’t heal or help her with her emotional distress.” 

Ben’s stomach sank. Something about Luke’s tone and phrasing made him uneasy. “Do you mean just healing for her brain?”

Luke hesitated and looked away. “No,” he finally settled on. Ben’s patience was reaching an end. 

“What happened?” Ben asked through gritted teeth. 

“Ben, calm down and sit down. Please,” Luke waited until Ben sat and took some calming breaths. “The sith got into her mind. She was weakened by her emotions, her exhaustion trying to maintain so many shields and barriers. Rey… She hurt herself. She’d never experienced it first hand before and she was screaming and panicking. The droid let me in, even though she had told it not to.”

“How bad?” Ben asked. He thought back to the things he’d done to himself in desperation. 

“I’ve seen worse from you. It would have been worse if her arms were stronger. She clawed her own chest, some places deeply. I did the best I could, and the droid gave her bacta patches too, but she’ll probably scar.”

Ben slumped to the floor. This is what he’d been afraid of. That his darkness would seek into her. He felt so much guilt that their bond allowed the sith to find her, and influence her as well. She had many scars from Jakku, the hard work she’d done, injuries from climbing around destroyed ships, but this felt so different. He felt responsible. 

“I’m going to her,” Ben said, determined. 

“Ben, she desperately needs to rest. I know you want to go, to try to help but I think that it would do more harm than good.”

“In the morning, then,” He said, resigned. 

“She still might not let you in,” Luke warned. Ben knew this was a possibility. “If you make a scene, it will only upset her worse.” Ben also saw the wisdom in this. 

“What am I supposed to do, then?” 

“Wait,” Leia chimed in. 

That was the last answer that Ben wanted to hear. 


	23. Ch 23: Sleepless nights and a surprise visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Ben had to learn some patience even with Rey hurting.*

The night felt like it would never end. His bed felt cold, terribly lonely and so far away from Rey. It had been so long since he’d slept on his own. He tossed and turned, and yearned to be beside her. To smell her sweet scent, have her hair tickling his face, her warm body pressed against his, a comforting weight. Ben finally gave up and meditated for a while. He reached out with the force and ended up following the thread of their bond. He hesitated but finally brushed up against her shield. It was flimsy and blurry. He could tell that she was sleeping, deeply under the barrier around her mind. It was such a slow healing process, and he wished that he could do something for her.

Usually when she was this deep, there was no emotion except calm, but she was uneasy. He would say restless if she weren’t so near comatose. Her connection to the force was frayed and it felt like little pieces of shadow were embedded where it was usually such a pure light. He didn’t know if it was from her hurting, or from the sith’s influence--possibly a combination of both. He gathered up all of the light he could manage, and gently soothed the bond. Slow, featherlight strokes, smoothing out the dark fragments until he felt the pressing of the dark on himself. He knew he would be no help to anyone if he let it take over, so he let go, and hoped that it would settle her some. Anything he could do to make it a bit easier for her. 

Full of restless energy, the swirling darkness that was his--he always tried to keep it pushed down-- along with what he’d drawn away from Rey left him anxious and jittery. He needed some sort of release. He briefly considered his blade but remembered that her shield between them was thin and he didn’t want any pain to bleed over to her. He wanted to hit something, destroy--the dark energy wouldn’t let him settle. 

He gave up trying to sleep or meditate and wandered down the silent halls of the academy. It was later than he thought, in that quiet, stillness that came before the dawn. Ben only wished that this new coming day would heal things between him and Rey. If she could let him in, and give him a chance to explain, then things would be okay, he was sure of it. 

He found himself at the door of the training room, and figured this was a fair way to get rid of some energy without affecting Rey. He picked up a practice saber, and went through the forms, at first slowly and controlled, then faster and sloppier, but with so much power. He slashed the air, what he often felt like in his head. Dealing with an invisible enemy that was slippery--there one minute, gone the next--and his physicality didn’t do any good. 

Sweat ran down his face and neck, eventually soaking his hair. He shoved it behind his ears but it fell right back in his face. The salty stinging only fueled his frenzy. There were times that pain focused him, made him feel in control of darkness. But really, it was not him in control, but it felt like he could do anything, be anyone. He finally put down the saber, but the jumpy feeling in him wasn’t satisfied. He wrapped his hands and went to a practice dummy, and started blindly punching, his breathing became ragged, and he gritted his teeth to try to stop tears from leaking from his eyes. 

“What did that dummy ever do to you, Solo?” 

Ben swiped at his eyes under the--hopefully convincing--ruse of pushing his hair from his eyes. He turned, a smirk on his face. “His face reminded me of yours, Dameron.”

“Well the real thing is here now, wanna give it a go?” Poe asked. Ben had always been close to Poe growing up, but when he was sent to the academy they didn’t see each other much. 

“What brings you here hotshot? I hear that you’re trying to live up to your mom’s name,” Ben asked. He went to grab some water, and tossed his shirt to the side. 

“If you didn’t want to fight, you could have said so. You don’t have to get undressed for me, although I always appreciate a nice chest,” Poe said, his voice cocky and self assured. Poe was such a flirt. He didn’t care--man or woman--he had a flattering comment. He had a rugged charm and if Ben ever thought about men that way, he probably would have had his first kiss years ago. 

“Oh, I do. Thought I might distract you, I’ve been working out you know,” Ben shot back, fists up by his face, circling Poe. 

“I can tell. Nice muscle development there, especially those abs.” Poe raised his own arms, and feigned to the right. He broadcast his movement and Ben easily stepped aside. 

Ben’s ears were red, like they always were when Poe went on like this. Ben wasn’t afraid that Poe would make a move or do anything besides a few overt comments, but it still embarrassed him that someone would see his body and actually like what they saw. It rubbed against what the other students at the academy said about him, but he also knew that Poe didn’t say things that weren’t true. If he didn't find Ben's chest attractive he wouldn’t say anything about it, just find something he did admire to hone in on and compliment that. He only hoped that Rey could one day come to see him like Poe did. That is if she would ever let him back in her room. 

“So, who’s this girl that Ben Solo is in love with?” Poe asked, and Ben dropped his hands in surprise. He stammered and Poe took the opportunity to get in a hit to Ben’s solar plexus. The air rushed out of his lungs and he stood there dazed. “Dude, you okay? I thought you’d seen that coming. 

“I’m good,” Ben said, shaking his head. “Where did you hear about Rey? How long have you been here, anyways?”

“Just got in. Mom got a call from Han and Chewie. The Falcon’s hyperdrive was acting up and they didn’t have the parts. So we gave them a lift. Han said she is pretty and for whatever reason she seems to like you. Oh I didn’t miss that quip about my flying skills, it isn’t a disgrace at all to be second only to Shara Bey.”

Ben blushed again at the mention of Rey liking him, and hoped that she really did. That this whole misunderstanding was because she really did care for him as more than a friendship level and she was hurt that he could have romantic feelings for someone else.

“So, Rey, huh? Han said it was some kind of force thing but wouldn’t elaborate on that. He then went on to mention that you spent most of your time, including all of your nights in her bed,” Poe waggled his eyebrows, and Ben took advantage of his distraction and sweeped Poe’s feet out from under him. 

“Force. I am  _ just _ sleeping with her. Han gave me a kriffing sex talk while she was still unconscious. What do you people think I am?” 

Poe hopped to his feet, and circled Ben. “A 21 year old dude? Nah, just kidding. But she’s doing a lot better isn’t she? That’s what Han said. Some kind of brain injury?”   
  


Poe broadcasted his next kick, and Ben blocked underhanded lazily. “Yeah, she’s moving her arms now, with full control of her hands. Gods Poe. You should have seen her when I found her, I thought that I was too late.”

“Found her on Jakku, right? The outreach with your mom? That when the freaky deaky force stuff began?”

Ben snorted and got up in Poe’s space and quenched his connection to the force to temper his hit. He wouldn’t pull punches with the other padawans but Poe had no connection to the force, but he was scrappy and could keep Ben on his toes if on even ground. “Han’s words or yours?   
  


“Eh, just because I don’t understand it, I don’t pretend it doesn’t exist like your old man,” Poe jabbed towards Ben’s face and was blocked again. 

“Yeah, I suppose. It’s called a force bond. We connected when we first touched, and then I felt that she was in trouble. We brought her to Luke and the rest is history,” Ben said as he aimed a hit at Poe's stomach. He only got small contact to his side since Poe danced out of the way. 

“So, that history you mentioned… You sleep in the same bed with her. Has she given you your first kiss yet?” Poe spun around with a roundhouse kick and Ben barely blocked in time. His fatigue was setting in, and Poe was  _ nosy. _ Always had been really, but Ben had never had a girl he was interested in, much less the possibility that she also fancied him. 

“No kiss,” Ben gritted out. He advanced with a knife hand that Poe easily swiped away. But he blushed red remembering the dream kiss, and how much he wanted it in real life. But she’d never shown any indication that it would be welcome. “We hold hands sometimes, and she loves for me to hold her. I think that it gives her a lot of comfort. She grew up from a young age by herself on that forsaken planet. But it’s not like that,” Ben explained, leaving out the part that he wished it would be more, at least once she’d healed. 

“Hmm. I see,” Poe said. He slipped past Ben’s defenses and wrestled down to the ground, pinning his shoulders. 

Ben wasn’t sure what exactly Poe saw, but he slammed down the desire to force push Poe off him. He’d gotten a little spoiled practicing all of the time with force weapons and augmenting his hits with it as well. 

“When do I get to meet her?” Poe asked, extended a hand to Ben, who was laying on his back staring at the ceiling of the training room. 

“I don’t know,” Ben sighed. 

“Why? Embarrassed of your best friend without the magical force?” Poe asked, only a twinge of hurt in his tone. 

“It’s not that. She won’t see me right now. Actually no one but Luke, and that is for healing,” Ben answered quietly. 

“Aw, man. That sucks. What happened?” Poe asked. 

“Let me shower and I’ll fill you in. Meet you in the mess hall in twenty?” 

Eating was the last thing he wanted to do, but he had little water and no food since breakfast with his mom. 

Force, had it been less than twenty four hours? 

Longest. Day. Ever. 


	24. Chapter 24 Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Ben tried to find healthier ways to manage his anger, and his old friend Poe showed up.*

They ate mostly in silence, and Poe didn’t push Ben. Poe knew from past experience that Ben would talk when he was ready, and not until then. Poe watched him tear his food into little pieces and only put a few of them in his mouth, and also noted the dark circles under his eyes. He started to tell him to eat more, but then decided against it, because he knew how much of a nag Leia could be.

“Want to walk with me?” Ben finally asked. By the time he’d finished what he was going to eat and Poe was done with his food and caf, Ben was jittery. He knew that Rey was awake through the bond. Again, their bond was thin, but Ben didn’t think it would do any good to intrude and try to speak with her. It didn’t usually work anyways. But he couldn’t resist pulling the light to himself and soothing the bond like he did the night before. She didn’t jerk away, or slam the shield down, so he sent a gentle wave of comfort to her, and then backed off.

Poe nodded and followed Ben down the winding hallways of the academy, peeking in doors of the library, training rooms, and random students floating in the air, completely silent with their eyes closed. It’s not like Poe had never seen Ben do it, but it was still disconcerting. So he broke the silence, not to try to get Ben to talk before he was ready, but to distract himself. Poe told him about some of the ships he’d flown, some of the skirmishes he’d been with his mom, and the maneuvers he would help her pull off. Poe sensed that Ben was only half paying attention to him, but Poe didn’t take it personally. He could talk and fill a silence like a and pro. It was the norm with his moody friend to get withdrawn into his own head, like he was fighting some inner battle, and for all Poe knew, he was.

They finally stopped walking, and Poe recognized FX droids and knew they were on the medical wing. Ben hesitated outside the door, raising his hand to knock, then withdrawing five or six times before he settled on just sitting down as close to the door as possible. Poe sat on the other side of him, crossing his legs in front of him and patting his friend on the shoulder. Ben started talking slowly, and then laid out all that had happened the last few months.

As Rey woke up her throat was scratchy, her eyes were swollen, and her head was pounding. And that was only the physical elements. It hurt to be apart from Ben, which she thought was ridiculous of her. She’d been alone for years, not depending on anyone but herself, and now she was pitiful. Her body was betraying her, so was her mind. Her mind felt different than the prickly darkness she’d felt the night before, but she still felt violated. When the bond was closed completly her chest ached.

She closed her eyes, and reached out her senses. She hoped that meditation would calm the anxiety and the way her mind was racing. And thoughts of Ben. She was going to pull herself together, she really was. She just needed a little more time to come to terms with the way their relationship was sure to change.

She focused on feeling the life outside her window, birds chirping, wind blowing, but then there was the inverse, plants were dying, and animals were hurt. Those were only a few of the things that kept a delicate balance and the force had a hand in all of it. She breathed in and out, trying to see herself in the bigger picture. She lowered the barrier in her mind, and felt less pressure there--amazing after the day she’d had. She took inventory of her body, what she felt, how the force flowed through her. She wiggled her fingers and toes, then rolled her wrists and flexed her ankles. Her legs still felt mostly like dead weight, almost like they weren’t hers so she moved on. She could tense the muscles in her abdomen, and obviously her diaphragm was in working order. Her brain had protected her vital systems, and she was grateful otherwise she wouldn't be alive. She knew that she'd somehow lifted her arms in her panic even further than she had yesterday morning, so she focused on that. She gathered the force and concentrated. She lifted the inch she knew she could without panic.

Then two, three, until she curled them up to her chest. She knew that she’d done a number on herself, so that may have been as far as she went. She remembered the pressure in her eyes that she was intent on reaching, but couldn’t make it. She drew on the frustration she felt at not being able to move, to sit up on her own, to control body functions and brought her arms and hands even further to touch her face. She was exhausted but kept pushing herself, sweat running down her face, and arms trembling. But she did it and she was proud of herself. She knew when to stop, even if she didn't want to. When she pushed past what she could feasibly do on Jakku that was when she got hurt. She dropped her arms, and let the barrier cover her brain again. Now that she wasn’t so determined, she was a little embarrassed. She was afraid that she might have drawn on the dark with her frustration and she didn't want to leave any weakness for the sith to have access to her.

She decided to meditate again, since she was too exhausted to anything else, but not really sleepy, just drained. She once again tightened her bond and prioritized them. The bond with Ben was the weakest and she felt him brush up against it, and he felt a wave of comfort. She basked in it, in the light he was sending her. That tender caress on their bond made her shiver and she opened her eyes, unable to concentrate. She knew if he came to her now, she would give in whether or not she was truly ready to face him, and own up to her feelings. A few minutes later she could feel him getting closer, along with an unfamiliar signature. She drew herself up and took a deep breath. If he were alone she would invite him in, she knew she would. But the addition of someone else, someone that she didn’t know made her hesitate.

But no knock came, although she could feel that he didn’t leave or go any further away. She focused as hard as she could, and heard a male voice talking to him back and forth. Rey could only catch snippets of what was said, but she definitely heard her name more than once. She couldn’t place Ben’s tone or his mood besides longing and a strange sense, guilt maybe. Rey herself felt guilty for listening in on their conversation, but tried to justify it--they were right outside her door.

She pulled away though, from the bond and from focusing on what they were saying, instead turned her attention to the sounds of life outside her window when a thought struck her.

What if this new signature was the person Leia mentioned Ben had met? It had never crossed her mind that the reason there was only friendship between her and Ben was because he liked boys.


	25. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Ben hangs with Poe, Rey pushes herself hard physically, and comes to another misguided conclusion that Ben is in love with Poe.*

After Ben recounted what was going on to Poe, he sat quietly for a minute then laughed. “So, basically your mom tried to help. Senator Leia Organa, mediator and master speaker clashed with giddy mom who sees her kid truly happy and balanced. Well, somewhat anyways, no offense Solo. But she said the one thing that would cut poor Rey down. And now we have a jealous Rey who is probably doing weird uncontrolled force stuff because she’s emotional?” 

“You’re a jerk Dameron. I don’t see how any of this is funny,” Ben said, trying to reign in his temper. 

“You gotta admit it's ironic with your mom. But now you know, Rey’s got a thing for you.”

“What makes you say that?” Ben grouched. “It just hurt her feelings, preyed on a weakness.”

“Are you blindly in denial, or just that laser brained? That girl is jealous, she thinks that you’re with someone else.” 

“Hey boys,” Luke said as he came around the corner, effectively halting that conversation. Not that Ben minded, he thought that Poe was off his rocker. More than usual. 

“Sup, Luke. How’s it hanging? Actually don’t tell me, you never give me the time of day,” Poe said from his place on the floor, scrolling through a holo about ships. 

Luke rolled his eyes, something that must be against some Jedi rule somewhere, but Poe could do that. Bring out the exasperation in someone while at the same time being so charming that it made you smile. Or in Luke’s case not frown. “Just checking on Rey. Have you seen her?”

“No, we’ve been sitting here for hours. Solo Jr. here is too much of a coward to knock,” Poe said, waggling his eyebrows. 

Ben shoved Poe’s shoulder, this time not holding back the slight force push to it. 

“Umph. Well, he has the muscle even if not the courage or the brains. Can you believe that he still isn’t convinced homegirl is into him? Jealous, I’m telling you, I see it all…”

“Thanks Poe for the enlightenment this morning, but if you’ll excuse me,” Luke said, gesturing to the panel. Luke couldn’t help but be relieved that Poe had shown up when he did, and help mellow out Ben and distract him. 

“Tell her that I want to meet her, I can tell her all kinds of stories about her boy,” Poe said, saluting Luke. “I’ve got to go check in with mom, she might be ready to go, but I won’t leave without saying bye, Ben. And of course meeting the lovely Rey, if she’ll have me.”

Ben sighed as his friend walked away. Luke was just about to enter, but Ben whispered “Tell her… Well, that I… Just never mind.” Ben ran his fingers through his hair and dropped his head into his hands. 

Luke nodded, he felt pity for his hurting nephew, knowing that feeling helpless to emotions, especially other’s pain, when you couldn’t do anything about it was no easy feat. He patted Ben on the shoulder, and went into Rey's room. He felt her calmness and balance of the force as she meditated, breathing deeply even though the strain of healing, learning the force, and the bombardment of new emotions--both good because of Ben, terrifying with the sith’s voice in her head influencing her, and hurt because of the misunderstanding and her extremely low self esteem. 

Luke was sure that she was aware of him by now, but she made no move to leave her trance, so he pulled up a chair. He questionly ‘knocked’ on her signature. He felt a hesitation, but she opened it for him, he joined her in the space just outside the room, there but not quite, you could reach when meditating. He marveled that she could do this, it took most of his students years to be able to enter that plane with someone else, if they ever gained the ability. Though, he should have learned by now to not underestimate Rey. 

Luke’s curiosity got the best of him, and he brushed up against the barrier to her brain. He felt a strong reluctance, and was just about to pull out completely when she dropped it all of the way. This was huge, something that they’d never done before. He’d only been able to push healing at the barrier, and at different points in her body and through her force signature. But something about the meditative state, as well as her willingness and trust, gave him insight he’d never had to the way she’d protected herself and survived. He’d never seen anything quite like it, it was extraordinary, just like the girl who created it with little or no concept of the force. 

Luke sent a question of permission the best he could, and he felt the nod somehow. He lightly pushed his force along the edges of her brain, carefully surrounding it, and finding all of the areas that it was still swollen. 

Rey wasn’t sure what would happen when she agreed to let Luke in her head, and past the barrier she’d made for protection and healing. But it was nothing like the force healings before. It felt like icy water crashing over her, somehow vast but also pinpointing places in her head. It didn’t exactly hurt, but it wasn’t comfortable. She turned all of her focus to keeping the barrier up, because every instinct was to slam it closed. It was sort of the same but completely different from when the sith had spoken to her. It was more akin to the bond that she shared with Ben, but much more clinical and detached. 

She wasn’t sure how long it lasted but a cold sweat had broken out on her face from the strain, and her exhaustion only heightened the longer it went on. She could almost hear whispers of encouragement from Luke and Ben, telling her to hang on, that it was almost over. She clung to that, and was so grateful for Ben’s proximity. She curled around his force signature, trying to bury herself in it. A while later, seconds, minutes or hours later, she couldn’t tell you, but Luke withdrew and she felt every shield snap into place. She couldn’t keep her focus and her body felt strange, detached, her mind was fuzzy and blurry somehow. She only vaguely felt the signature of Ben and Luke, but she once again was drawn to the light and warmth, familiarity of Ben and attached herself as much as she could before her thoughts were no more. 

Luke stumbled to the chair and lowered himself to it. He was getting too old for all of this. But he wouldn’t change anything. Teaching his students, being a part of Leia’s family, and now meeting this powerful, wonderful girl. He heard a tentative knock on the door, then it got louder.

“Luke, I know she is deep asleep, please let me in,” Luke heard Ben pleading from the other side of her door. He didn’t know the right thing to do, but he couldn’t bear to hear the pain in his nephew’s voice. 

“Fine, one hour. Understand? If she starts waking up, you leave until she asks for you.”

“Thank you,” Ben said, wrapping his arms around Luke. Ben didn’t know what was getting into him, first his mom and now his uncle. He hadn’t hugged anyone besides Rey in years. He walked slowly towards Rey’s bed, as if he might startle her. He could feel through the bond that there wasn’t awareness of the outside of her mind, so he was careful not to push or disturb their bond. He finally laid his hand next to hers, not wanting to touch her until he was certain that she wanted it. 

“What happened? The bond and her signature was all over the place,” Ben finally asked after a bit. 

“She let me in fully and I was able to do some healing without the barrier. I don’t know what to expect when she wakes, but she was drained. I think that she pushed herself too hard earlier, maybe even reaching for the dark to help her be physically stronger. She’s confused and there has been so many changes for her. But hopefully something helped, I don’t know when or if she would let me in like that again.”

Ben nodded, not really sure what to say, but still thankful for Luke being invested and doing all he could for Rey. They sat in silence, Ben could feel how tired Luke was, but he was calm--reaching for the force and centering himself once again. Ben’s own eyes were heavy, but he didn’t want to miss this time in case she didn’t let him in again for a while. Time by her side was already passing so quickly, and he wished that he could climb in bed with her, share her pillow and warmth. 

What felt like minutes--but Ben knew was far longer than an hour-- Luke cleared his throat and motioned for Ben to come with him outside.

“Thank you,” Ben said, sliding down the wall to the spot by the door he occupied earlier. “I know I should have left earlier, but she was so peaceful. I felt her waking up, or at least not being so deep under…”

“Ben, it's okay. Why don’t you go get some sleep? I promise someone will get you if she asks for you or if anything changes.”

“I don’t want for her to be alone,” he answered. He knew it was an unreasonable notion, she was so strong even in her weakness. Plus there are med droids and doctors everywhere. But if Luke was there, he knew that if the sith were to reach her, he could talk her down again. Ben could always try from a distance but the way things are he wasn't sure if Rey would welcome his presence. 

“I’ve got her. It’s only hours from dawn, I will get you shortly after, I have to teach this morning,” Luke answered. 

Ben hesitated at the door. He felt a surge of guilt. Luke looked tired and almost frail. “Go, son. I will meditate deep. I can rest but still feel any disturbances.”

“Okay. A few hours?” Ben asked. When Luke nodded he turned and trudged down the hall. This bond was still so new, and this was the first time they’d been apart by choice save hours here and there when Ben was training. He wondered at how healthy it was, but then decided the force must have a reason. 

Ben was interrupted from his musing with a jab to his kidney. “Oof,” he pivoted to see Poe. 

“Off your game Solo? You usually sense me from half a mile away.”

“Well, you can never shut your mouth so it's not as much sensing as hearing you,” Ben quipped. 

“You might be right. Maybe. Ugh that hurts to say. Forget I said that,” he lowered his voice and stuck his hand out in front of him. 

“You nerf herder, that's my move. And I do  _ not _ sound like that.”

“Whatever you say man, whatever you say. Anyways, you look like death warmed over, so go to bed. I just wanted to let you know that mom and I are headed out for some top secret stuff. I’d tell you but I’d have to kill you kind of thing. Take care and tell Rey I will meet her next time,” Poe replied. 

“Be careful. See you soon?”

“Yeah, yeah. The force with you and all that,” Poe said, but Ben could tell he wasn’t making fun, just Poe being Poe. He turned to leave, looked back and started back over to Ben. He gave him a quick hug, three pats to the back and left without another word. 

What was with all the hugging? It didn’t really bother him, although before Rey he’d grown quite used to being without physical touch. And now, it was really only her touch that he wanted. 

Ben gave his head a shake and finished his walk to the dormitory and fell on his face, asleep almost before he reached the pillow. 


	26. Chapter 26 Luke gives good news to Rey and physical progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: Ha! Physical progress. Don’t get too excited, and get yo mind out the gutter. Our favorite couple isn’t there yet. They need to put some definition to their relationship for sure. And it's a slow burn. Until it’s not.**

Last time on WO:  Luke and Rey made strides in healing and Ben Solo got some much needed hugs.

“Luke? Is that you?” Rey asked. It was still dark and she felt so out of sorts. She went to rub the sleep out of her eyes, something routine that she constantly tried to do even after so long of not being able to. But her arm lifted and obeyed her. Startled, she sat up. She was in a state of disbelief. She was sitting up in bed, lifting her arms, and moving her legs.  And it didn’t 

“Luke!” she called louder. He seemed to snap out of his meditation and walked over to her. 

“Oh, Rey! It helped. I’d hoped it would since I was deeper than ever before. How do you feel?”

“Good, I think. Tired and sore, and weak. Oh, so weak.” She was trembling with the effort. It had been so long since she’d truly used these muscles. Luke sat beside her, and shouldered most of her weight. He sent out a tendril of healing and the trembling stopped at last. 

“That’s to be expected, but this is such an improvement. How does the barrier feel?”

“Almost gone, it is so thin like a suge of force would knock it over. Is that good?”

“Yes, I believe so, I think that it means the swelling in your brain is all but gone,” Luke anserewed. 

Rey leaned the rest of her weight onto Luke, and smiled. Her body was becoming her own again. Once the barrier was gone, she could focus on pushing herself and getting back her strength. Maybe she would train to finish learning how to control the force, so she wouldn’t hurt herself and others. Besides, she needed to wait until they had the artifact and broke the connection between the Sith and her and Ben’s minds. But after that, well, she would have to figure it out. She still felt in the way here, and too idle. She was used to a life of labor, only being still at night and when sandstorms raged. She most certainly did not want to go back to Jakku. 

But maybe Han knew someone that would take her on to fix ships. It would be quite the difference to put things together, new ship parts, and repair something that is not very far gone. The majority of her time putting things together was to give a semblance of working to Plutt. She never really had the tools to do what she wanted to the parts, but she was certain that she could learn fast. 

Or maybe somehow she could study flight and be able to fly ships. She was iffy on this plan though because although she knew how to read and write Basic, and could speak and understand much more, she wasn’t sure if any of that would be good enough to get her unto and through a program to be official. But she listened to Han and all of the surrounding rumores and again thought that there may be a not so legal way to be able to pilot. 

She realized that Luke had said something and flushed. “Um, what? I’m sorry.” 

“It's okay. I was just asking if you wanted to lay back down for now. It's early yet and your body isn’t used to all this excitement.”

Rey nodded, she  _ was _ still tired. But she didn't think she could fall asleep with her mind racing, thinking of possibilities.

Luke helped lower her back to the bed, and turned to leave. He was almost to the door, andhesitated. He stood there for a bit until she started to get nervous. “Rey. Can I tell Ben? I know he would want to know, and see you. He has been anxious.”

Rey sighed and stared at the ceiling. She tried to run a hair through her hair, but felt the braids from Leia and dropped it back to bed.  _ Ben. _ Force. She’d forgotten her pain for just a brief little while, and was deliberately not thinking about their connection when considering her plans. It was silent but Luke had so much patience, so he waited for Rey. 

Rey decided it was time to get over herself and face her friend. He’d been nothing but kind to her, and she didn’t know what the distance was doing to him, or even what his mom had told him about what happened. She'd been selfish, she realized--only thinking of herself and what she was going through. 

“Yes. Can I have a few hours though?”

“Of course. He will be glad to see you doing so well, and to be able to come in with you again.”

“Luke? Um… Well… Can his boyfriend not come with him right now? I know that is probably not fair to Ben or him, but I just… I’m not at my best and… Well I don’t know,” Rey said, getting quieter as she continued to speak. 

Rey turned to look at Luke and saw an incredulous look on his face. “Wait, who? His… boyfriend? What on earth… Oh. Oh! Rey, that was Poe, one of his oldest friends. He and his mom stopped by the academy unexpectedly. Quite a character really. He could give Han a run for his money with the title of head scoundrel.”

“But…” Rey trailed off, back to being confused. She thought that she had figured out who he met. And it was almost a relief that it was a man, because that meant that he wasn’t necessarily rejecting her out of hand, but because he had different preferences. “Well, who is he with then?” She did and didn’t want to know. But if she was facing him, she wanted an idea of what to expect so she could hopefully keep herself in control. 

“No one, Rey. There is just you,” Luke said. “You really should talk to him. I’ll send him in a few hours.” He turned to leave before Rey could ask any more. 

She could have sworn she heard Luke laughing outside her door, fading with every step away. Her face burned like it did the day after being stuck inside after a sandstorm and she felt ridiculous.

_ Well, kriff it all to hell.  _ Rey thought.


	27. Chapter 27 They finally talk about how they feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: I am 97% sure of where I am going with this fic and we are maybe halfway finished. 
> 
> I have most of the major scenes planned out. So I will finish even if I don’t hear much. But, that said, any comment makes me happy. Even if it's a smiley face, or something like ‘I wish that Ben would look at me like that.'**
> 
> ***Last time on WO: Rey is sitting up on her own and she realizes Ben doesn’t have a boyfriend. (And Poe is sad about this, trust me) ***

Luke decided to wait until after meditation with his students to find Ben. He would give Rey some alone time to compose herself. Poor girl, as if Ben had eyes for anyone else. For once, he was one of the ones that had a hard time centering himself. He was thinking back to how it felt to heal Rey, to be let into that barrier. It was nothing like he’d seen before. Rey was strong with the force. And she was learning it in her own way at an astounding rate. Luke had never felt such a pure, heady sense from healing someone and it made him glad that he’d learned to heal so he could be in this place to help her. Almost proud of himself, but that wouldn’t do, so he tried harder to concentrate. 

An hour later, he left some of the older students to run drills and help the younger, and headed off to the mess hall. A large cup of caf was definitely in order. He spotted Leia and Han and wove through the tables with his caf and toast. He almost hated to interrupt them, Leia definitely looked comfortable leaning against Han, a content smile on her face. 

“Where’s Ben?” He asked, settling himself across the table from them. 

“Still sleeping, thankfully. He was so tired, the worry was getting to him as well. The circles under his eyes were almost black,” Leia answered, frowning. 

“Well hopefully a lot of worry is about to be off his shoulders,” Luke explained the healing and Rey’s progress but couldn’t stop from blurting out. “Rey thought that he had a boyfriend. And that it was Poe at that. I don’t know how she knew that Poe was even here. Poor girl really did think that he was interested in someone else. That boy only has eyes for her.”

Han snorted, then laughed until he was holding his stomach. “Poe Dameron? Really? Now, Poe would be all over that in a heartbeat. But Ben? Even if he did like boys, Poe would irritate the hell out of him in a relationship. I think Ben might actually kill him as soon as kiss him.” Han guffawed again until Leia elbowed him sharply in the side. 

“ Oh, what a mess. I can’t believe that something I said caused all of this,” Leia said. Her face was alternating between guilt and amusement. Han could have sworn that she muttered ‘Poe Dameron. Force help us all.’

“What about Poe?” Ben asked, sneaking up all three of them somehow. 

“Uh, just that it was nice of him and his mom to help us out,” Han said, at least having the decency to look a little sheepish.

“Oh, okay. He left this morning, something top secret, you know. Not sure who decided he was high enough in leadership to help keep us alive. ” Ben said, picking at his food. 

They all laughed, but in reality as much of a flirt and goofball Poe could be, he was a killer pilot and had a head for tactics and leadership. 

“Finish eating. Really eating, then walk with me,” Luke requested after a minute of silence.

“Alright,” Ben shoved some eggs in his mouth, raising his eyebrows. “Are we talking about what you and Chewie found on Onderon?” Ben asked. 

“That will be later, I want to show you something,” Luke looked pointedly at Ben’s plate. He was tired of seeing Ben not taking care of himself. He understood to a certain extent but if he could try to help, no matter how annoying Ben found it, he would. 

Sure enough, Ben rolled his eyes, but picked up some bacon. He ate that and a piece of toast. He stood and walked towards the door, not giving Luke a chance for further bartering. He didn’t know if what he was going to tell him had to do with Rey or not. He had a feeling it might. Soon after he’d laid down in his room, he was bombarded with sensation and emotion. He wasn’t sure what happened, but it didn’t feel like she was in any more pain than usual. And it didn’t have the darkness and signature of the Sith. So, he tried to let her have her privacy. He was woken up again before dawn with a mixture of disbelief, elation, triumph and then trepidation. Whatever she was feeling must have been big since she’d kept her shields pretty tight these days. 

Luke caught up with him and matched Ben’s pace. Ben was headed towards Rey’s room, and Luke didn’t argue. After a couple of beats he told Ben about the healing and how Rey had woken up with so much progress so quickly. 

Ben was relieved. The progress had been so slow, and major progress like this was great news. “Thank you, Luke. She wouldn’t be alive much less getting back full use of her body if it wasn’t for you.” 

Luke only nodded, trying to push down that sense of pride once again. This was more pure though since it was in the fact that he was able to help his nephew. He felt so much more drawn back to the light and less conflicted since Rey had come along, and it felt like the more tangible thing he’d been able to do for Ben in a long time. Ben was so much stronger in the force than Luke, and he mastered forms and weapons so naturally. 

“Can I see her?” Ben whispered. 

“She agreed this morning. She just needed a little more time to herself this morning. She’s taxed physically right now, and mentally from the healing and all of the shielding. Probably emotionally as well. You two have a lot to talk about,” Luke finished cryptically. Ben might have pressed for more answers but they were nearly to her door. “Well, I will leave you to it. We will be around later to talk about what Han and Chewie found and what our next steps will be.”

Ben had already lengthened his strides and was knocking on her door. He heard a faint ‘come in’ and his heart raced, he felt a deep sense of relief and he couldn't’ stop the goofy grin from spreading across his face. He was still expecting to be denied, built himself up for it actually because his emotions were so all over the place anyways that he didn't want to deal with unexpected disappointment of the thing that could hurt him the most right now. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Even though Luke has told him about how well she had been doing, seeing it and feeling it was so different. 

Rey was sitting up in bed, fiddling with a string on her blanket. She was beautiful, dressed in Jedi training robes instead of the gowns she’d worn for months. Her hair was braided in a style he knew his mom had done for her. It was a traditional Nabooian style and Ben used to beg her to teach him. He wandered off-handedly if he could still do it, and decided if the progress of Rey letting him in continued, maybe he could try it on her. She wasn’t hooked up to any tubes and she was looking so healthy it took his breath away. 

He just stood there, staring. She still hadn’t met his eyes and he probed their bond. He felt relief, embarrassment, determination and a twinge of desire all swirling together and he reveled in her presence. It had only been days, but he missed her being open to him. It connected him to her in a way that was so intimate and made him feel so complete. 

“Can I come sit with you?” Ben asked quietly. He could look at her all day and be happy but he felt so drawn to her, he felt like he could never be close enough. Rey finally met his eyes and nodded once. She still hadn’t let go of the string, and he felt a strong surge of anxiety from her. He sent a wave of comfort and stability as he walked over to her. Ben never let the contact with Rey’s hazel eyes drop until he grabbed a chair to sit by the bed. 

“Could you maybe sit with me? I mean, if you want.”

Ben definitely wanted, in fact he couldn’t think of anything else that he wanted more in that moment. He pushed the chair aside, maybe a little too quickly to pull off any semblance of chill, but he didn’t particularly care. He sat down close, but not too close, not wanting to crowd her or make any assumptions. He felt a contentment pulse from their bond--both sides of it-- and couldn't help himself, he took her hand in his. He still marveled at how small she was, and how his hand enveloped hers was just another example. She squeezed his hand, and Ben smiled, still in awe of the strength she's developed over time as well as since he’d seen her last. 

“So, um. Did you hear that I thought you had a boyfriend?” Rey whispered. 

“You what?” Ben choked out, eyes bugging a bit. 

“Well, your mom was helping get me cleaned up and she mentioned that you had met someone worthy of you…”

“Rey!” Ben interrupted. “You must know…”

“No wait, let me finish. Well, when she said that I immediately fell back in the pattern of thinking that I was a nobody. You are such a good, sweet person--who treats me with such respect and gentleness. You don’t expect anything from me, and I just didn’t grow up like that. And I know that with your hair, and your face, and how you are so strong and able you are, anyone would be so lucky to have you. So, when I heard your mom say that, I just got upset. Because I’d hoped that you might share how I felt about you,” she trailed off, blushing. She traced patterns on his hand and it seemed to fascinate her. 

“I do!” Ben blurted out much louder than he meant to. 

“You do? Luke said something and I thought that he must be mistaken.”

“Yes, Rey. You are everything to me. I want you in every way you’ll give me. I love your mind, your humor, your determination, your empathy, the fact that you don’t judge people, and that you are kind. And, I think that you’re beautiful. Your hair is so soft, you are so warm and some of the best memories I have are ones that I spent holding you, or laying by your side talking to you. I love your freckles, your scars that show your determination to fight for your life and show how strong you are. I love our bond and how connected I feel to you. It was a bit hard to get used to, but now I don’t know which way is up when our walls are closed off. But now I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

“I’m sorry, Ben. I didn’t mean to make you feel hurt or uncomfortable by shielding our connection. I was just trying to be a good friend to you and not let you know that I was disappointed that you had someone romantically, that it couldn’t be me.”

“Wait, back up. What do you mean; my hair and my face?” It was Ben’s turn to look shy and uncertain. He’d heard so much negative about himself except by Poe, but he was a bit stuck that Rey mentioned that mixed in with what she liked about him. “No, wait, never mind you don’t have to say it.”

“I, um. Well I just mean how handsome you are. That someone would be lucky because they not only get the heart of you, what I love most. They get a great listener, someone who asks great questions, is a fantastic teacher with so much patience. Also someone who is so smart, you know so much about the force, the senate, ships, books, well just everything. But on top of all that they would have someone so heartbreakingly handsome as you. I love your eyes, the way your hair curls, the way your face softens when you laugh.”

It was Ben’s turn for his face and ears to turn bright red. It was so opposite of what he’d heard so much the last few years, but he could feel nothing but sincere honesty through the bond that he couldn’t doubt what she said. 

He cleared his throat and drew himself up. He didn’t want there to be any doubt, no question about how he felt, and what he hoped that their friendship was and would evolve into-- if she felt the same and would have him. He was fairly certain that she did, but that nagging doubt wanted to hear her say it. So he took both of her hands in his and looked in her eyes, opening the bond as wide as he could. He put his feelings, his conviction at what he was going to say and brushed up against the thread of their connection. 

“Rey, I know that I am young, and I have limited life experience. I’ve only seen the example of my parents, and while they are not perfect, I know that they love each other. They put aside every difference and make it work for them. So, I know that in as much as I understand love, that is what I feel for you.”

Rey’s side of the bond went blank for a few seconds-- ones that felt like years-- before opening up again. She was shocked but giddy. “Ben, I feel the same way.”

“Can I kiss you, Rey?” Ben asked, cupping her face, and inching closer. She nodded and leaned forward to meet him. Their lips touched and Ben shivered. He’d witnessed this second hand in a dream, but nothing could have prepared him for the exhilaration and _rightness_ he felt, sharing the same air, and doing something tangible to show his feelings. He was glad that he’d never experienced this before, because he knew that nothing would ever come close to the way he felt with Rey in that moment. He opened his mouth a bit, and sucked on her bottom lip, and she groaned. That went straight to his lower abdomen and he tried to calm himself. This wasn’t purely sexual, more a chaste agreement of the words they’d spoken.

Rey had seen people kiss before, and she never really saw the point before her dream of Ben kissing her. But the dream kiss in no way could have prepared her for the emotions that flooded her when his lips met hers in reality. After his mouth did that thing to her lip that sent heat to her core he pulled away to meet her eyes. She was pretty sure he was checking her reaction but she had no patience for that. She threaded her hands through his hair, and tugged him back to her. He gently gave her a closed mouth kiss, but she wanted to try what he’d done. She angled her head a bit and caught his upper lip between hers and put gentle pressure before sticking her tongue out and licking. 

He jumped and pulled back again. “Oh, Force! Rey!”

“I’m sorry. Shouldn’t I have done that? You didn’t like it?’ Rey asked quietly. Their faces were only inches apart and though she wanted to do it again, she didn’t want to disappoint him. 

“No, Rey. I liked it. Maybe a little too much, in fact.” 

Rey wasn’t sure why you would like something that awesome too much, but she shrugged and leaned back on the pillow. 

“I want to do it again, believe me but…” Ben was interrupted by a knock at the door. “I felt Luke and my parents coming,” he finished, gesturing to the door. 

Rey’s eyes widened in understanding. “Come in,” she called. She wished that she could just force lock the door, and claim she was in the shower or something but then realized the implications of that particular lie. They knew that Ben was with her. Not that she thought she would mind being naked in the shower together, especially if they could keep kissing like that. 

Ben’s eyebrows raised and he gave her a look at the flavor of her thoughts. He took a deep breath and tried to push that away. 

Damn his parents and Luke. They couldn’t even properly enjoy his first kiss. No, wait.

They hadn’t taken that from him. He’d enjoyed it thoroughly, he just wanted to keep doing it. Over and over. And that train of thought along with Rey’s desire and frustration wasn't helping. He took deep breaths but couldn’t help shooting a glaring look at Han. Surely he would have had his back and tried to stall this conversation. 

Han raised an eyebrow at his son’s look, then glanced back and forth between Ben and Rey. Their slightly flushed faces, and Ben’s dreamy overall look despite the one that he’d just recieved. Han shrugged and tilted his head towards Leia and Luke as if to say ‘sorry kid. Can’t control them.’ 

Ben smiled and returned Han’s shrug. 

After all they had all night if Rey would let them. 

**AN: and so the slow burn begins.**


	28. Chapter 28 Strategy and the unexpected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *AN: The chapters with strategy and action scenes might be a bit shorter than my others. I like writing the character development but I also wanted a plot outside of that.**
> 
> Last time on WO: Feelings are spoken aloud and are mutual. Our favorite space couple also shared their first kiss. 

“So, we have some information about the layout and guards at the Onderon temple,” Leia said, sitting in the chair that Ben had shoved aside. She chose to ignore the flush in their faces, and hoped that meant that they had a good talk and had worked things out. She could feel less guilty now, if everything was back to normal and even happier if it had spurred on them talking about or acting on their feelings. 

“There are two parts to the Sith temple, it was only guarded on one of the sections, unfortunately the larger one. We couldn’t see much as far as entryways, but they were concentrated on one corner so we are guessing that is it. There were about 100 Aki Aki patrolling around, with a camp about two miles away near the water source, where the backups were stationed. The guard is slightly reduced at night, but not sure if it's the best or worse time for ambush. The moon is dark, and any light source would stick out. And there is fog. Lots of it. It breaks in the morning but not before that, and it hits full force once the sun sets,” Han explained. 

“We could make a diversion. Chewie could _gently_ crash the Falcon, and several of us could go ask for help. Luke, you and Ben could set off an explosion on the other side of the temple, and that should thin the guards out even more. Then you can sneak in. I could come with you, I might be able to help,” Leia said. 

“I think that you’d do best staying with Chewie and Han to get ‘help’ for the Falcon,” Luke said quietly. “If we go with this plan in particular.”

“The biggest problem I see is that we will need extraction. Mom, Dan and Chewie can have the help, draw a number of them away from the temple. And once they finish the assist, you can get away that way,” Ben added. 

“How do we know that they will leave their posts to come and help?” Rey asked. “Also, where do I fit into this? I can help blow things up and go in with Ben and Luke.”

“No!” Ben and Luke answered at the same time. Rey frowned, almost pouting. 

“You are still healing. And while you are strong in the force, you have only trained for a couple months and not even full training because of your physical strength,” Luke answered.

Rey didn’t like it, but Luke definitely had a point. 

“So, what do we know about these Aki Aki?” Leia asked. “The only thing I really know is they have the Festival of Ancestors on Passana.”

“From what I’ve read, Aki Aki are peaceful, welcoming people. I think they would be a good choice for guards since they respect duality--respecting the balance of light and dark. They wouldn't want either to rise to power through the artifacts, creating a disturbance in that balance. If they don’t pick a side then they would be less likely to succumb to bribery from either side. And being immune to mind tricks, they cannot be influenced in that way,” Luke said. 

“So, that is another hurdle. And the easiest plan eliminated for getting in after the distraction,” Ben added.

“You would use the force that way?” Rey asked, not necessarily condemningly.

“Sometimes the greater good calls for measures that aren’t ideal,” Leia said, the diplomat in her shining through. Rey considered and nodded. It was off the table for this mission, but it only highlighted to her how little she really knew about the Force. 

“I thought of a way I can be helpful even if I can’t actually enter the temple. If they are caring people in general, if there were someone injured on the Falcon, wouldn’t that be an incentive for them to come? I could even cause some trouble while I’m waiting. The ship has longer range guns, right?” Rey contributed. 

“That could work. How do we know they won’t call reinforcements from the camp though?” Han asked. 

“We’ll have to crash in the opposite direction. And use some convincing acting skills at how injured Rey is,” Ben said. “And as far as extraction, do you think Poe and Shara would be down for some fancy flying between friends?”

“I will contact them but I don't know when they will receive the message or be free to help. But they would probably be an ideal choice,” Leia said. 

“We have time,” Luke said. “I haven’t found much about what sort of force traps and shields they might have used. Or rather, there are way too many possibilities. Though most of them are for minor jobs, or they wear off fairly quickly. Ben, I could use some more help with the Jedi texts. I know that ultimately we will have to rely on gut instinct and the Force guiding us, but I can’t go in completely blind.”

“You're right. Rey should help too. If you want?” Ben asked, giving Rey a smile. “I know that we’ve been through some of them, but there is actually some good information in between the mind numbingly dry and dull parts.”

“Yes. I would like that. Can we do the readings somewhere else? I am so tired of this room,” Rey said excitedly. 

Luke gave an indulging smile. “I think that can be arranged. Let’s work on that tomorrow after lunch? For now, I have some students to attend to.” 

“And I am going to go join Chewie, he’s making some mods on the ship,” Han said, shooting Ben a wink. “Maybe we could stop by my room for some parts, Lei?”

“Ugh. Right, parts. Gross,” Ben exclaimed, miming gagging. 

Han laughed but still pulled Leia out the door with him. 

“Parts?” Rey asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“You don’t want to know, trust me,” Ben answered, chuckling as he pulled Rey into his lap. She looked so tired, and she’d been sitting up for quite a while and it was still so new to her. Besides, he just wanted her in his arms. 

She rested her head against his shoulder and placed a light kiss to his jaw. He did the little half smile she loved and brushed her hair away from her neck. He traced his fingers from her cheek, over the slope of her jaw and down over her pulse point, and she shivered. His smile became mischievous and placed her head further down his arm so he could bend over her to suck lightly there. She shifted in his lap and moaned quietly. Ben shifted her on his legs so that she wasn’t pressed against his growing erection, and pressed a closed mouthed kiss there before raising his head to meet her eyes. 

Rey’s eyes were dark and stared right back up at him. She looked hungry. This time it was Ben’s turn to shiver. She leaned up and grabbed either side of his neck, and pulled him down to her mouth. When she opened her mouth to suck on his lower lip, this time he met her with his tongue, putting gentle pressure, requesting entrance. She hesitated, but opened her mouth too. They tilted their head and suddenly their lips and tongues were connected in the age old dance. Ben didn’t know what he was doing, just acting on instinct and what felt good to him. He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think that Rey had experience either. If she was a skin slave then she wouldn’t have been working so hard doing physical labor. He would love her either way, of course but it just flitted through his mind as he considered his own level of experience. 

She hummed into his mouth and it sent lightning through his veins and straight to his lower half. She shifted again, and this time Ben was too wrapped up in sensation and the open bond giving a sort of feedback loop of desire, and the contentment of the bond being whole with both shields dropped. She broke away gasping for breath and wiggled a bit, shifting her weight. When she did it again, Ben’s eyes nearly rolled back in his head. She was now positioned directly over his hardness. _Force, Rey. Get still._ He moved his hands to grip her hips but she still moved again. He hissed and she jumped a bit, this time she slid off his lap and hid her face in his neck. 

“Um. Did I hurt you? I’m sorry.” She mumbled into his neck. 

He took her face in his hands and waited until she met his gaze. He felt guilt and embarrassment in the bond. “No, Rey, you didn’t hurt me.”

“I… I felt you. And then you made that noise so I wasn’t sure.”

“That noise was pure pleasure. I didn’t mean for you to feel that, I just got caught up in the moment, I’m sorry.”

Rey blushed and looked away. “Well, I know boys are different. So, it’s just natural, right? I just never felt it before when you were holding me.”

_Oh Force._ “Um, yes. Guys are different. Do you… Do you know what that means?” Ben croaked out. He’d only had sex talks from Han, and Chewie if he has a specific questions, but that was usually just awkward. Like this might be. 

“Well. I know that on Jakku women in the pleasure tents usually didn’t end up round or with a baby. But other couples did have a baby if they went home with each other. I’ve seen them kissing,” Rey paused. “But I know that you have to do more than kiss to have a baby. One man kissed me when I was a bit younger. It was disgusting. His breath was horrible and he was so much older than me. But I didn’t get pregnant then, thank the stars.”

Ben growled softly, wishing he could go to Jakku and punch this nerf herder straight in his disgusting mouth. 

“He was the first and last. I broke his nose with my staff, and he didn’t really even meet my eyes after that. But it’s nothing like kissing you. I could do that all day, and it makes me feel good, more alive, more connected to you.” She paused considering, “I also know that relieving yourself works differently from me.”

Ben cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. His hardness was effectively squelched by Rey’s mention of her first kiss, as unwilling as it was. And at the prospect of having to explain sexuality to Rey. He had half a mind to go interrupt his parents and drag Leia back to have this conversation. But at least she knew the physical differences. 

“Ben? Why does it feel different now?” 

_Oh stars, strike me down now. First they talked about his erection and then the absence of it._ “Have you ever touched yourself, Rey?”

Her face colored. “Yes, sometimes. It was alright but it wasn’t what I expected. So I didn’t do it much. Do you?”

_Sithspit._ “Yes,” Ben answered, hiding his face in Rey’s hair. 

“Do you like it?” She continued, ignoring or oblivious to his discomfort. 

“Yes,” Ben answered, his voice cracking a bit. He almost left it at that, but he wasn’t sure that Rey would, so he decided that could help with his explanation. “When I touch myself, or when I like something we are doing, kissing for example, that is when my… manhood gets harder. Normally it isn’t. That’s why it feels different.”

Luckily Rey left it at that as far as the awkward questions went. “So, it feels good? Does that mean that we can keep kissing?”

“Yes, definitely.”

And they did just that until Rey could barely hold her eyes open. Ben cradled her in his arms, inhaled her sweet scent and he buried his face in her hair, and drifted off to sleep. 

He just hoped that his dreams were under control. He didn’t want to explain _that_ to Rey if he lost control while sleeping. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: From what I have read-Aki Aki seemed to be a good choice--though there are limited sources I thought we’d go with ‘rule of cool’ that they are resistant to mind tricks and the force.
> 
> the Quote from https://www.starwars.com/databank/aki-aki 
> 
> “The native Aki-Aki of Pasaana revere the duality of life, both tenacious and fragile.” 
> 
> \--Also, on to the fun part. I didn’t imagine that any of the holos she’d find on destroyed ships would give her any depth of knowledge about sex. And I found it funny to make Ben embarrassed that way. He’s so self conscious all the way. And Rey likes to learn, after all. So let’s just go with it so that I can make fun, awkward scenes like this, unless you hate it?**


	29. Chapter 29 Walking plus a playful Ben and Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last time on WO: Ben gives Rey the sex talk (sort of--parts of it anyways) after a heated make out. And a tentative strategy for Onderon is talked about. But mostly Ben was embarrassed. 

Ben woke up in Rey’s arms, and he sighed happily. He’d missed this. Her smell, and her warmth, the comfort he had emanating from the bond at how close they were. He shifted his hips away from her, especially since she knew what his hardness meant. Not that he was embarrassed per say, neither of his reaction to her body, or of her knowing that it affected him. Still, he didn’t want her to wake up to that. Or feel any pressure. He mostly wanted to let her lead. Though he could feel her emotions through the bond, and he would know if she were uncomfortable, but he wanted that control to be in her hands. But then he remembered that he’d been the one to ask to kiss her, but somehow that felt different than exposure to that overtly sexual reaction. Though from what he understood, kissing was often the gateway to  _ other  _ things, he didn’t know how much she really understood even with his fumbling explanations the night before. 

He felt her waking, the awareness in the bond clueing him in. She nuzzled into his shoulder and he could feel her lips turn up into a smile. “This is nice. I’m glad we figured things out.” 

“Me too,” Ben replied, placing a kiss on her forehead. 

“Do you think you could help me walk? I’m tired of the drones and that blasted chair,” Rey said. She sat up slowly, stretching her arms over her head. 

“I think I can manage that,” Ben got up and supported her under her arms, and pulled her to her feet. She only wobbled a bit, which was a good indication that the med droids did a good job of keeping her muscles worked and limber. “Anywhere in particular?”

“Fresher?” Rey said. 

“Okay. How much support do you want?” Ben asked. 

“I don’t know. Just don’t let me fall,” she turned her head towards him and winked. She knew the last thing Ben would ever do is hurt her on purpose. 

He smiled back and stood behind her, letting go of her arms. She stood still for a couple of seconds, testing her balance. She tentatively stepped forward, taking slow but steady steps. Ben smiled and followed her, watching her gait and looking both with his eyes and through the bond for signs of exhaustion, but didn’t really find anything concerning. Whatever happened with her and Luke was nothing short of miraculous. 

They’d reached the door to the fresher, and Ben, not paying attention to anything but the sway of her hips followed her in. He wasn’t sure when he stopped watching her feet. But he was a man after all, walking behind a beautiful girl. One who despite all the odds--and everything the girls at school had made him believe about himself--she liked him back. 

“Uh, Ben? I got it from here,” Rey said, glancing in the mirror to see what he was doing. He was staring… at her butt? Rey chuckled and Ben blushed. 

“Yeah… Of course. Sorry. I’ll just be, um, not here.”

Rey smiled at him walking out the door. Poor Ben; he blushed so easily, but she loved it. That he felt as out of sorts, slightly out of his mind--in the best of ways-- at their connection and exploring their new status. They were... well she wasn’t really sure what the word for it was. But they felt more than friendship for each other, and they kissed each other, so she would have to find out what the words are for that. 

Rey finished and went to the mirror, examining her face and hair. The braids were beginning to come out, so she took them down and brushed out her hair. It had waves, something that she wasn’t used to. Her hair was usually straight, and she put it up almost constantly because of her work on Jakku. Well, she wasn't going to be climbing starships, or dealing with taking apart or assembling parts, so she just left it down. She noted that her face was paler than she remembered from glances, but she guessed that being infirm and indoors for so long would do that. Rey brushed her teeth and finally went back out to rejoin Ben. 

“Ben? Do you think we could go outside? I miss it so much?” Rey asked. 

Ben had been sitting on the chair by her bed, and snapped his head up when he heard her voice.  _ Oh, Force.  _ He thought to himself. Her hair was down, flowing down her back in curls, loose and shiny. Ben swallowed. Something about her hair and her standing there, leaning on the doorway staring at him did something to him. He was half hard and he sighed at his lack of control. He thought of his mom and Han kissing and it effectively made it where he could get up and go over to Rey. 

“Yeah, there is a courtyard where we can sit, and Luke could bring some books for us to go over. See if we can find anything about force protections we might face,” Ben answered. He mentally calculated the distance to said courtyard he’d passed the many times to and from the med ward. “You just have to promise to tell me if you get too tired, okay. Walking is still new to you after your injury.” 

Rey smiled, and nodded eagerly. It was cute how worried Ben was, she thought, although he better get over it sooner rather than later. Since her parents, she hadn’t had anyone really to look after her or be concerned with her until she came here. Mashra, the woman that was her neighbor back on Jakku, had given her a few portions here and there, but she had died about a year after her parents disappeared. She fell trying to get a part and broke her leg. Rey had never seen anything like it, the bone jutted out of her leg, and Rey wanted to vomit any time she looked too closely. Rey had been the one to find her and put her on the large piece of smooth metal Rey and her parents used to load up their finds and drag to the outpost. It took a long time because the woman was heavy, but Rey got her back to her tent. Then it was Rey’s turn to share a few portions. At Rey’s young age, she couldn’t spare enough for any bacta patches or remedies, so when infection set in, a horrible smell that filled the tent, and the oozing and blackened flesh she saw when she accidently caught a glimpse of the leg Rey hated it but she knew there was nothing to do at that point and had to watch her die. At least it was quick.

Ben’s voice startled her out of her thoughts. She hadn’t thought about that in years, probably blocking it out for good reason. “Rey? Are you okay?” He’d felt such strong guilt, revulsion and pain through the bond. He couldn’t imagine what she’d been thinking about, but he knew that she might be thinking about her past. Life on Jakku had to be hard at the best of times, then unforgiving, and brutal at the worst. He sent her some comfort and she gave him a weak smile. 

“Bad memories,” she commented. “So, where is this courtyard? I want the sun on my face again.” Rey tried to shake off the feelings, she just wished that she would have asked Mashra about her parents. She was so small, and it made her furious that she could remember something like her death, but not the truth of her own parents. Rey just hoped that she and Ben could find out something one day, or find someone who did. She wasn’t overly optimistic. She couldn’t remember her last name, and unless people at Niima were holding out, no one else knew either. About her family name or anyone disappearing on a ship. If they were dead, and she’d really buried them there would be no way to know even if she could find the ship where they were buried. 

Ben felt the eagerness and happiness once and again, and took her hand. They left her room and he made sure to shorten his strides and be mindful of when she might be getting tired. Before they got far, they met Leia coming around the corner. She grinned at their joined hands, and the content smile on her son’s face. 

“Look at you, Rey! Did you get my son to break you out?” She asked, keeping pace with them. 

Rey nodded, smirking. “I think he just likes to watch me walk. Though he may have enjoyed the view more when he was following me.”  _ Oh, force. I have no idea where that came from. This is his  _ mother _.  _

Ben’s mouth flopped open. Kriff, Rey was going to kill him. Maybe death by embarrassment. He felt a wave of mischievousness when she’d said it, and then after a beat, humiliation. At least he wasn’t alone. 

Leia barked out a laugh. “I like you, Rey. You’ll keep Ben on his toes.” She glanced at him and decided to have a bit of mercy. “Luke wanted to meet you for breakfast and he has some books he thinks might be a good start. He’s almost done with students for the morning.”

“Do you mind having him meet us at the courtyard up ahead. Rey wanted to go outside,” Ben asked. 

“Sure thing, we’ll meet you soon.” Leia answered, leaving them to their devices. 

“What was that?” Ben said, attempting a stern voice, though his smile undermined it. 

“Well you  _ were _ checking out by butt, Solo,” she paused. “It just came out though. I wasn’t thinking really, that I was saying that to your mom.” She giggled and looked away, sheepishly. 

“Well, I’ll get my payback, just you wait,” he quipped back. Maybe some remark to his dad, he’d just have to time it right. Although in front of Luke may have more impact. “But I can start with this.” He steeped in front of her, wrapping his arms around her. He kissed her neck a few times before cupping his hands around her side and tickling her. 

She giggled and when he didn’t stop, snorted. “What  _ are _ you doing?” she asked through her laughs. 

Ben felt a wave of sadness. Either her parents didn’t tickle her or she was too young to remember it. He pushed that down, and smiled down at her. “Getting you, now that I know you are ticklish I have a new way to make you laugh.” 

It felt strange, but in a good way. Rey needed a break, so she decided to distract him. She thought of what he was watching her earlier, and it gave her an idea. She reached around him and lightly grabbed his rear end. 

He squeaked in surprise and then relaxed into it. That is until she pinched. It didn’t hurt, but it did catch him even more off guard. He smirked and met her eyes, raising his eyebrow.  _ He had said it before, but nevertheless, it bore repeating. Rey would be the death of him. But oh, what a way to go.  _

Rey laughed and released him. “Geez, Ben. What are you waiting for?” She took his hand again and started walking. Of course she didn’t really know where she was going, but for now the hallway was straight. 

By the time they reached the courtyard, Rey had slowed considerably, but she was still steady on her feet, so Ben didn’t comment. It was still empty, being out of the way, early in the morning, and Luke and Leia would take just a bit longer. Ben pulled Rey into his lap on a bench, and thought about kissing her, but she was looking around with wonder and contentment that he didn’t want to disturb her. 

“I’ve never seen so much green,” she sighed. “My window gave only a hint of it, and I couldn’t always have a great view.”

Ben smiled, and vowed to show her other systems. Snowy and cold, humid ones filled with all sorts of flowers, and definitely ones with an ocean. But for now, she seemed more than content staring at the grass, trees and the new wildlife that came with such a different climate. 

Before long, Luke and Leia showed up with breakfast and stacks of books. Ben eyed them warily. The amount of books never seemed to end. Reading Jedi texts was a mixed bag, and he’d been doing it for years. Rey soon realized this--she would excitedly share something she didn’t know before (even when it didn’t have to do with force shields or how to counter traps.)

Rey could read Basic, and bits and pieces of other languages. The first time she handed over a book to Ben she seemed embarrassed since no one else mentioned they couldn’t read whatever section they were working on. Ben smiled and didn’t seem to think anything of it, before switching what he was reading with hers. 

It was much longer than anyone expected but after Rey was quiet for some time without sharing something she found interesting that she finally proclaimed “Jeez, some of this is dry.”

“Welcome to the club, Rey. You just completed your next level of padawan training and I believe even set a record.” Ben said. 

“What kind of record? I didn’t even know I was actively training to be a Jedi.”

“It really is pretty remarkable. The amount of text that you read without complaining,” Luke said with a chuckle. “So, how about a break?” 

They sat around and enjoyed the sunshine and it wasn’t until after a droid brought them lunch, that they dove back in.

  
  
  
  


**AN: Would dating be the word they’d use for their relationship in the star wars universe? I couldn’t recall it being called anything in particular. Or even addressed in the movies, or the novelizations of 7, 8, or 9. I’m still so new to all of this so forgive me. 

And I still get great pleasure out of embarrassing Ben.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely comments, I love them and they keep me writing. :)


	30. Chapter 30 Rude People and Showers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Rey is up and walking by herself, and discovers how dry some of the Jedi texts are, along with the helpful or interesting. (And she pinches Ben’s booty.)*
> 
> Content warning: self love

The next month and half passed in much the same way. They spend the mornings in meditation with Luke and the other students, then breakfast all together--outside if the weather was cooperating-- then poring over texts with little luck until lunch. After Ben and Rey took walks around the grounds, she loved being out in the forest. She loved to kiss him up against those trees, or sitting on the forest floor. Or anywhere really. Their lips were drawn to each other, and they had each other’s memories. Rey felt such a sense of pride and power whenever she made him moan, and when he was hard against her stomach or her thighs. 

They were coming back from one such walk and make out session, and came out of the woods once Ben had control of himself again.

“What is their deal?” Rey snapped. 

Ben was surprised that she hadn't mentioned it before, but he was hoping that she just didn’t notice. She did, of course. Ben had been ignoring his classmates for years, they were always whispering when they saw him, and steering clear. Now, they eyed Rey with speculation, and Ben hated them for it. Rey had chalked it up at first to her being an older person, all of the sudden joining classes--that she could understand. But she’d begun to hear Ben’s name too often now. Rey wasn’t sure if they thought they were being discreet or if they were doing it to get under either her own skin, or Ben’s. 

“They’ve never liked me. Maybe because I’m related to Luke as their Master. Or because of my parent’s legacy. There have always been rumors that I’m dark. My temper and all my loss of control doesn’t help that, nor the fact that Luke won’t let me train one on one with the younger students,” he sighed wondering if he should continue. “The girls think I’m an ugly freak. They tell me often enough out loud, and I hear it doubly behind their hands when they whisper. The boys just want to fight me, to prove some sort of point. I never go full out because I don’t want to lose control, so that just reinforces that I’m a failure. It’s some kind of twisted pride they get when they make Ben Solo bleed.” He hung his head, and wondered what Rey would think of him. 

_ She’s going to get tired of you, you know. You’re broken. You let those boys best you and those girls get to you. I can give you power. You have enough power now to crush them. Do it. Do it now. Show the girl how strong you are. Bring her to me, she’ll come with you now, willingly, but she will change her mind eventually.  _ Ben slammed the walls down, the headache forming quickly behind his eyes. He took deep breaths, focusing on keeping his lunch where it was, not reappearing on the ground. It passed and he looked at Rey. 

Miraculously she seemed to miss the struggle and the darkness. But the bond  _ was  _ filled with righteous anger. Rey dropped his hands, and marched towards the group of girls across the way. Ben tried to gently steer her way, but she shook him off. He followed at a distance. He had no clue what she had in mind, but he wanted to go along for the ride. 

“Got something to say?” Rey demanded getting up in Lara’s face. Ben didn’t know if Rey was aware she was the ringleader, or just the first one she reached. It was Asuaro’s girl, the guy who had fought him when Ben lost control, not only with Asuaro but with his own blade. 

“Just wondering what you see in him, I guess,” Lara replied flippantly. “Where did you come from anyways? We’ve been wondering where Master Luke drug you in from. Wherever it is, doesn’t look like you were treated well. Though, I guess that your scars are a great partner for Ben. He has them everywhere, he carves his arms up, did you know? But he doesn’t have them on his chest, though, you're not matching there. Plenty of time for him to fix that though,” Lara waved vaguely at Rey’s chest, where the scars from where she’d clawed herself when the darkness got the better of her. Rey yanked her robes closed, but advanced even more on Lara. 

“What happened to you?” Rey said, her voice low. Almost compassionately in a weird way.

“What do you mean? Nothing, I have parents who love me, and aren’t terrified of me. I’m beautiful, and I have a boyfriend who isn’t a freak.”

“I just figured something bad must have happened to you to make you so cruel, so blind, and clueless about life. And people, for that matter. That man,” she said, pointing back at Ben, “is the smartest, kindest person I know. And I think that you are just jealous. Ben is more handsome than your boyfriend could ever hope to be. More powerful too, more light and control of the Force in his pinky than you,” she said, gestures to the gathered group, “will ever hope to have in your whole life. Oh, and tell your friends who aren’t here--he is the most amazing kisser you will ever hope to find.” Rey turned, leaving Lara and her friends gaping as she walked away. For good measure, when she reached Ben, she tugged his mouth down to hers and kissed him slow and gentle, cupping her hands around his face. 

Ben was flabbergasted and pretty sure he fell even more in love with her right in that moment. When she pulled away, she took his hand and led him back into the academy. Once they were through the doors, she slumped against the wall. Her emotions through the bond were all over the place. Ben sat beside her, and put his arm around her shoulders and pressed her into his side. 

“That was… amazing Rey. You didn’t have to though. I’ve gotten good at ignoring it,” he said softly, still rather in awe. Then he traced a finger down the side of her face. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. I guess the part about the parents hit me hard,” she said. Then so softly that Ben had to strain to hear her. “And the part about her being beautiful, and that I’m not. With my scars and lack of curves from being so hungry most of my life. You deserve someone as beautiful as you are handsome.”

“Rey, look at me,” Ben ordered. He waited until she met his eyes before he kept speaking. “I think you are The. Most. beautiful. Woman. I have ever seen.” He kissed her forehead. “I don’t notice your scars anymore.They are signs you are a fighter, survivor, and strong beyond belief. They don’t take away anything from you being gorgeous. Does mine bother you?”

Rey started and frowned. “No. Not at all.” She lifted his arms and traced the deepest one. “Not the way that you think anyways. I wish that you wouldn’t have been is so much pain, or that the darkness, that stupid Sith wouldn’t make us lose our sanity, no matter how briefly.”

His head was still throbbing, and he tried to push it away. But Rey noticed. “Again? I didn’t even notice. I was too wrapped up. I’m sorry. I could have helped.” She opened the bond wide, and mentally soothed the bond, sending icy healing directly where she felt the darkness latched on. “Is that better?” she asked, her voice sad. 

“Yes,” he responded. It really was but he still felt off. Distracted and antsy. She got up and settled on his lap, facing him. Ben swallowed thickly. This was new. Rey traced the curve of his ear, down his jaw, then rubbed his neck, larger circles at first, then smaller. He shivered and pulled her in for a kiss. 

It didn’t last long. They had both forgotten, or else didn’t care that they were in the middle of a hallway. “Geez, no one wants to see you make babies, Solo. They’d be too freaky, too unnatural to let live,” another padawan around their age sneered, and kicked at Ben’s foot. Rage filled him, and he got up hurriedly placing Rey on her feet and advancing towards Jianyang. 

“It’s one thing to insult me, but that is  _ my  _ girl. Apologize, and get out!” Ben was in Jianyang’s face, his eyes dark with rage. Jianyang was silent a beat too long, and when Ben raised his clenched fist, Jianyang wisely looked terrified. 

Rey sent a wave of calm towards Ben. She was worried, it wasn’t even an hour ago that the voice was taunting him, and Rey knew that anger and insecurity were huge ways he was vulnerable to the Sith getting in his head. Rey sprinted over to Ben and laid a gentle hand on his arm that he wasn’t about to pummel the boy with. Ben shrugged her off, not gently. But he shook his head and seemed to come to his senses. He dropped his fist, but stayed in Jianyang’s space. 

“Look, sorry man. Just joking,” he replied, only barely keeping the tremor from his voice. 

“Not me, you nerfherder.  _ Rey,”  _ Ben gritted out. 

“Oh, right. You’re right. Rey, uh, I didn’t mean to insult your baby. Umm, your future babies. Or you. Or your family. Are you pregnant? Of course you aren’t. I mean, you and Ben would obviously be able to make a baby. A beautiful baby...”

“Oh, Force, shut up you e chu ta. Go,” Ben seethed. 

Jianyang turned and sprinted out of sight, nearly losing his balance as he slid around the corner. 

Rey giggled. She felt slightly off balance, but had found the exchange quite hilarious. Except the part about Ben nearly smashing in his face. Or what the padawan said in the first place. That sobered her a bit until she remembered the blubbering idiot asking if she was pregnant, and then complimenting their future babies. She snickered again. 

Ben’s face was calm again as he met Rey’s eyes. “Something funny?” 

Rey tried to go for serious saying “I think that Jianyang wants to meet our beautiful baby one day. We should invite him to the naming ceremony.” 

Ben just shook his head and gave her a soft smile. “We would, you know,” he said. 

“We would what?” Rey said, still trying to stifle her chuckles. 

“Make beautiful children,” Ben answered, giving her a kiss on her cheek. 

Rey’s laughter stopped, and she looked up at him, marveling. “I didn’t realize you could have more than one child, and sometimes not even that without dying. And I don’t want that…” Rey trailed off.

“Oh, sweet Rey. It’s only in places like Jakku that it is so harsh and nearly impossible to survive for a mother that having children puts them both at risk like that.”

“Oh. That makes sense,” she answered quietly. She hated when she said something like that--what she thought were given facts of life--and it just reinforced the image that she was unintelligent and a nobody. 

Ben felt the humiliation, sadness and a twinge of something that felt like defeat through the bond and he wanted to smack himself. He never phrased things like that right, when he heard things that made him so sad. He knew that she didn’t like pity so he tried not to go for that approach either. He wasn’t sure what to make it any better, so he settled for sending a wave of comfort laced with apology. She gave him a weak smile, and started walking back to her rooms. Ben’s head started aching again, even though he felt no danger from the voice. Just a sense of discomfort and disappointment in himself. 

“I’m going to shower, can I meet you for dinner in a bit?” Rey asked when they reached her door. Ben nodded, as much as he wanted to stay, it did sound like a good idea. 

The walk back to his room felt longer than normal, which he supposed was true because he was slowed down thanks to his headache. He took a capsule and stood under the steam for awhile until the pounding slowed almost completely, and he didn’t feel like he was on the edge of vomiting. 

Feeling better, he began to clean his hair when the tug of the bond startled him. He scanned her emotions but felt nothing out of the ordinary, so he continued. But when he opened his eyes again, he wasn’t in his shower anymore. He was in Rey’s. And Force, she was naked. And soaped up, slick and delicious looking. He snapped his eyes away, he didn’t want to invade her privacy. She didn’t seem to be aware of him, and he briefly wondered if she were sleeping, or maybe he was dreaming. He’d witnessed her dream of him kissing her, but then he’d been an outsider, watching but not interacting. Here, he could smell her shampoo and feel the droplets of water spraying him. He felt a sense of panic to return to his own shower before she found him there and kicked his ass, or worse. Or maybe she would embrace him and kiss him.  _ Kriff, don't think about that. I need to be back in  _ my _ shower.  _ Ben thought to himself, trying to picture the four walls of his own fresher, while fighting not to gawk at Rey’s bare body. 

Rey thought she heard a gasp, and felt something a little off in the bond. She looked around but she was alone. One second she’d felt the bond flare like it did when Ben was in reaching distance and the next he was back to being farther away, like when he visited his room. She shook her head, but did examine the bond. Nothing felt too off. Ben’s emotions had been all over the place the whole day, but now she felt a strange mixture of raging desire, guilt, vague but dissipating pain and weariness. She closed her eyes and sent comfort and love though the bond and wished that he was back by her side. 

She reached up to get the soap to finish her shower, but it was not where she thought it was, and it did not smell like her floral shower. It smelled like Ben. She opened her eyes and she was in  _ his  _ shower. He was facing away from her, and she eyed the width of his shoulders, and the plane of his back. His hair was plastered to his back and she wanted to run her hands through it, and pull him towards her. But she restrained herself, averting her eyes so he wouldn’t catch her ogling him without his knowledge she was even there. 

But then he turned to the side, leaning hard against the wall. If he turned his head at all, he would see her there, but he didn’t. And now Rey could not help but stare. She’d seen glimpses of his chest before, but never completely bare. It was a sight, one that made her knees feel like they were going to give out. There were muscles and definition  _ everywhere.  _ Even the strange muscles that made a sort of “v” leading down. Force! She’d felt it often enough but seeing his manhood was a different experience completely. It was larger than she’d estimated, and it jutted out a bit, something that clothing did not particularly allow for. Rey knew that she shouldn’t watch, that she should try to get back to her own shower, or at the least, let him know that she was there. 

She opened her mouth to do just that, but when Ben took his soapy hand and grabbed his length, she was rendered speechless. They’d talked briefly a while back, admitting to touching themselves, and she was fascinated how it worked for him. She did know that he said it was pleasurable when he was hard, and she wanted to know what he did when he touched himself that made it feel so good. Her own clumsy explorations on long nights in Jakku felt okay, but left her vaguely empty. And it did nothing to relieve any tension. Maybe it was because she had different parts than Ben, and if she couldn’t get hard, it didn’t feel good. But she was thinking too much. Ben moaned and she snapped her eyes to his face. His head was thrown back, his mouth slightly open, and a slight crease formed between his brows. Not the one when he frowned or worried, but the one where he was intent, or concentrating. 

His hand started to move, and she watched. His long fingers grasped himself firmly, and made several slow strokes, and if possible he grew a little bigger. His hand moved faster, and his breathing picked up. It wasn’t long before he stopped the steady rhythm, jerked a few times, and something came out in spurts. All the tension seemed to drain out of his body, and he slid to the floor. 

Rey suddenly felt extremely guilty, she knew she’d witnessed something private, and she tried to imagine being back in her shower. As her vision shifted, she was seeing a weird mix of both showers mixing together and then pulling apart. Before everything shifted, Ben looked up and their eyes met. 

“Rey?” Ben asked quietly. 

But they were separated again, and Rey put up the wall between her and Ben so that he didn’t feel her guilt and shame. She desperately hoped that he would forgive her, but knew he might need some time. She didn’t want her raging feelings to influence what he decided. 


	31. Chapter 31 Explanations & Explorations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Rey is sassy and a badass, sticking up for Ben to their classmates. And they see each other in the shower through the bond. They are both afraid the other is upset. *
> 
> Content: NSFW

“Stars,” Ben said, frustrated. He didn't know how much Rey saw, if she was horrified, or mad at him for seeing her in the shower. This was the first time he could remember resenting the bond. They’d never appeared to each other like that before-- if you don’t count the dream, and he didn’t. The bond usually only shared emotions and sometimes thoughts. He probed a bit just to see what her emotions were like, only to find a shield up on her end. They’d been open pretty much constantly since the mix up that he was in love with Dameron of all people, and he worried even more. 

He hastily dried off and got dressed. He wanted to get things out in the open so he would know how upset she was and figure out how to make it right. He wound his way through the halls to the med ward, and vowed that Rey needed to move to a normal room. He wasn’t sure why this hadn't occurred to any of them, she didn’t need medical support anymore. But that was a thought for another time. He knocked softly on the door, trying to probe the bond for a response. He got none but the door opened all the same. He sat on the foot of her bed, and they stared at each other for a beat. 

“I’m sorry,” they blurted out at the same time. 

“I didn’t mean to appear there and I tried not to look,” Ben said in the silence after their dual apology. “And what are you sorry for? It’s my fault. I just appeared there, but I should have told you. I did see your body but I didn’t mean to. Not that I don’t want to see you, but I want it to be when, and only when, you are ready.” Ben knew he was rambling a bit and felt a twinge of sympathy for Jianyang.

“Wait. You were here too? But I’m the one who saw you. You were, uh well, touching yourself. And I know I shouldn’t have, but I was fascinated. That’s no excuse though. When you saw me, I thought you were mad and disappointed,” Rey said, staring at a crack in the bedside table. 

“So, you’re not mad at me? For what I saw?” Ben asked, watching her face for a reaction since the bond was closed.

“No, I don’t mind you looking at my body as long as you like what you see. You aren’t mad at me? I know what you were doing was private.”

“No, I’m not. My body is yours, you know. I was just… well, I’d just seen you and it’s been a while. And I know I probably shouldn’t be thinking of you…”

“Well, you better not be thinking of anyone _but_ me,” Rey answered, surprising Ben. He’d never really thought about it that way. Before Rey it had been the vague idea of someone who accepted him, but ever since the bond, it had been Rey, and only Rey. 

Ben grinned at her as Rey closed the space between them. “So, it was nice? Thinking of me like that? With your hand there?” Rey asked, nuzzling into his neck. 

“Stars, yes. I... care for you so much... and then with the vision of your body, I… Yes, it felt very good.” Ben was only half embarrassed that the time she witnessed something like that, he didn’t last long at all. 

“So, what happened at the end?” Rey said, between kisses planted on his neck. 

_Kriff. I should have known that the talk we had before didn’t answer all of her questions._ He needed to find a book on this or something. Although he doubted the Jedi texts would ever have any how to’s or all about sex sections. “It’s the peak of pleasure. It’s called an orgasm.”

Rey considered this for a minute. “But what does the liquid spurts have to do with anything?”

Ben choked a little on his spit. He was suddenly grateful that Han decided he needed to know these things even before he was a teenager. “That is how you would get pregnant Rey. If that happened while I was inside you.”

“Inside?...” Rey exclaimed. “Oh, okay. We fit together. I guess that is sex? I’ve heard people talk about that a lot. I knew, sort of, but now it makes sense. Wait, can I do that too?”

_Where was force lightning when I needed it? I think that this is my punishment for all the people I hurt._ Ben always explected to talk about sex when he met the right person, but not quite like this. “Um, which part? And yes, sex is a man and a woman fitting together intimately.”

“The peak of pleasure part. The orgasm?” Rey asked, curiosity lighting up her eyes. 

“Yes. I don’t know if it works the same way, but I know that women can feel lots of pleasure and a release as well. I guess you’ve never felt that?”

“No,” Rey muttered. “It only sort of felt good. Do you think… Do you mind… Could you help me?”

Ben swallowed thickly. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes. I don’t think that I’m ready for the sex part. But you can feel that way from your hands, right? So, I should be able to as well.” 

Ben pulled her close and peppered kisses from her ears, down her jaw, along her pulse point. “Yes. Will you promise to tell me if you don’t like it? Or if it hurts? Or even if you change your mind.” 

Rey gasped at his mouth’s attention and nodded. Ben pulled away, and she grabbed at him, not wanting him to stop. “I need you to say it, Rey,” he said seriously. 

“Yes, Ben. I will stop you if I need you to,” Rey wasn’t sure why he was making such a big deal out of it until she remembered the disgusting man who took a kiss from her without her consent and probably would have taken more, she realizes now, if she wouldn’t have smashed his face. 

He returned to kissing her, and she smiled. Her hand creeped into his hair and pulled him even closer. She loved his tongue, she decided. He must train it too, she thought a little hysterically in the back of her mind. A jolt of heat settled in her low abdomen. And now she understood more that this could build and turn into more. 

He flipped her onto her back, breaking their kiss and searching Rey’s face. He trailed his hand down her face and neck, a now familiar path. But he didn’t stop there. He kept tracing across her collarbone, then down, skimming over the side of her breast. Rey gasped, and Ben’s eyes snapped from watching his hand’s exploration to her face. She had a small smile on her face, and he could feel only pleasure and happiness through the bond. He slowly moved his hand from where her breast met her side and to cover it completely. His palm was full and Rey’s eyes were shut and she was biting her bottom lip. He brushed his middle finger over the peak and her eyes jolted open and she stiffened a bit. 

“Too much?” Ben asked, moving his hand from her breast to rest on her stomach.

“No, that was good. Really good,” she answered. But she still sat up and Ben withdrew his hand, determined to help her the next time she asked. She surprised him by undoing her belt, peeling off her outer and inner tunics then throwing them to the side. She sat before him in just her breast wrappings and blushed. “Too many layers,” she said, shrugging. 

Ben’s hands traced the bands and asked shyly “Any reason you left these on?” 

“Not in particular. Just didn’t want to deal with them I guess,” Rey mumbled, leaning over to take his lips in hers. “Do you want… to take them off?”

Ben nodded, broke off their kiss and searched for the end of the wrap. Rey lifted her arms, and watched as he unraveled the bands, and how his eyes widened when she was fully exposed to the air. She covered herself as she lowered her arms, catching a glimpse of the ugly scars that stretched from her neck to the place between her breasts. Ben gently took her hands and lowered her back to the bed. He placed a single kiss to her lips, and then traced with his tongue and lips from the top of her scar to the bottom, cupping one breast in his hands and supporting his weight with the other. “You’re beautiful Rey, don’t hide from me,” he murmured, then trailed his mouth up to lick and suck on the peak. She gasped again, the sensation like a lighting bolt between her legs. She rubbed her thighs together and pressed his head into her lightly. 

“Please, Ben,” she pleaded, even though she wasn't sure exactly what she was asking for. He sucked a little harder, twirling his tongue around her peak. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing, but he was monitoring the bond for her reaction. He’d seen a few holovids, and even though he didn’t like them because he wasn’t always sure the women were on there willingly, but it did give him direction and a few things he might not have done like flicking his tongue lightly, which did give her a surge of pleasure. He was almost painfully hard against her thigh, but he resisted pushing into it for some friction, trying to keep her pleasure the top priority. He shifted to the side, and let one hand wander to the top of her pants, examining the bond for any sign of hesitation or discomfort. He fumbled with the fastenings one handed and then admitted defeat, removed the other from her breast. Once they were opened, he once again began a slow descent down her stomach and lightly under the waist of her pants. 

Rey’s breathing had been accelerating the more he explored and she thought that it might stop altogether before she got to experience that peak of pleasure. Touching any part of her body hadn’t ever felt like this. She felt like she was on fire, and there was a strange slickness between her legs. She almost stopped to ask him about it, but then remembered that there were fluids involved with his too, even though his happened at the end. She also didn’t want him to stop, even if she didn’t know exactly what was going on, and what they were chasing. She did on a logical level but not on the physical. 

Ben closed his eyes and focused after he watched his hand disappear under her pants, and encountered her soft curls, and no undergarments. He hesitated, this time for himself because he felt eagerness and desire from the bond. His fingers danced lower and when he made contact with the wetness between her legs, he nearly came himself. He wasn’t sure what he was doing but he explored her gently, watching and feeling for what brought her pleasure. There was one spot that had her tensing every time he ran his fingers over it. It was a little bump and he focused on it. He experimented with how to move his hands, and figured out what she liked from the small hums and small surges of enhanced pleasure through the bond. 

Ben found a spot, one that she’d never really tried to touch and it had Rey taking shallow breaths. _Something_ was building, a chord inside her that seemed to be attached to that place that Ben rubbed. She felt tension and his fingers became wetter, but she was too far gone to care. She felt like a wave was washing over her until suddenly that tension snapped. She felt boneless and groaned out Ben’s name. 

Ben met her eyes and found a peaceful, enraptured look on her face, one that he wanted to remember forever. He removed his fingers slowly. “Was that? Did you? Uh, did I do okay? I mean, did that feel good?” Ben was nearly certain she’d orgasmed, he’d felt the tightening and release of her muscles and the rush of warmth. 

Rey gave him mercy and whispered, “Perfect, Ben. It felt perfect.” She pulled his face that had been resting on her breast up to hers and placed a kiss to his lips. Then she nestled into his chest, her bare one pressed against him and promptly fell asleep. 

Ben smiled, proud of himself for giving her that pleasure, and when his excitement cooled a bit, he followed her right to sleep. 

  
  


**AN: Whew. Anyone else hot? On another note, I never truly considered--until writing this and searching for Jedi clothes online--just how much they wore, and conversely would have to take off. I read SW fanfic, but I guess I just didn’t register.**


	32. All because I love to embarrass Ben Solo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Last time on WO: Ben had to explain more to Rey, both verbally and hands on… About orgasms.*

“Ben?” Rey poked him but when he didn’t move, she said more urgently, “Ben! I think I’m dying.” 

Ben bolted out of sleep and sat up on the bed. He felt panic and embarrassment from Rey, but no real pain besides a low ache in her abdomen. He looked her over and seemed satisfied with what he saw. “What do you mean Rey?” he asked, still unconcerned but not quite as much after his scan of her body and her pain level. 

“I think I’m bleeding internally,” she whispered, pointing to a blood stain on the bed.

“Stars, Rey,” he said, the level of concern rising a bit. “What makes you think it's internal bleeding if we can't see it?”

“I don’t know. It feels like my organs are sort of being crushed,” she lifted the shield that Ben hadn’t really noticed and sure enough there was an intense cramping, contracting in her lower stomach. 

“Where’s the blood coming from Rey?” Ben asked, an idea crossing his mind. 

“Um, down there?”

“Where Rey?” he asked, needing her to clarify in case it wasn’t what he expected.

“Where you touched me. Oh, does that usually happen?” The embarrassment kicked up a notch. 

“No,” Ben answered, his own embarrassment coloring the bond.  _ She seriously needs a girlfriend. I’m not cut out for this.  _ “You could talk to my mom, maybe?” he said. She would be much better at dealing with and explaining this. 

“Why? No, I don’t want to tell her what we did,” Rey said, a bit panicked. 

“Rey, it’s not from that, sweetheart,” Ben said again. He sent reassurance and calm through the bond. 

“Then what? Am I really bleeding internally? What aren't you telling me?” Rey crossed her arms and gave him a  _ look. _

Force! She’d been hanging out with Leia far too long. He knew that look, and Han did as well. “It’s natural Rey.” 

She huffed and replied “It doesn’t feel natural.” 

He resisted the urge to laugh, he knew that wouldn’t help anything. “It’s a part of growing up.” 

“I’ve never seen  _ you  _ bleed. Or feel like this over the bond,” Rey said, frustration clear in her tone. She broke eye contact realizing that there was really no way of knowing if he did bleed. But still, he knew  _ something _ and he was holding out on her. 

“Uh, no I don’t.” Ben wanted to smack his forehead. Better yet a hole could form right here for him to fall into and get him out of this conversation. He shook his head and realized he was being a wimp. Rey was scared and he should be mature enough to explain. “It’s something that happens to women. It means their body is maturing and is ready to have a baby.” 

“Kriff, Ben Solo. We have to have a baby,  _ now? _ ” she said, eyes wide. 

“Uh, no. Not now, it just means that if you wanted to, if we did, then we could.” He was botching this, but at least he was trying now. “Actually this happens when you aren’t with child. Your body prepares for it, and if it doesn’t happen you have the bleeding.”

“Oh. But does this mean we can’t have a child? If I missed that chance?” 

_ Force.  _ “No, Rey. You will have plenty more chances. To have more than one child if you want. This happens every month standard calendar.”

“Every  _ month?  _ But it hurts. And it’s embarrassing. There’s blood everywhere. I’ve never seen anyone else walking around bleeding.”

“There are things to help, so it's not obvious and not so messy. Have you seen the supplies in the fresher?” Ben had come upon them, looking for extra toothpaste, but he didn’t realize that Rey didn’t use them. 

“Um, okay. But why hasn’t it happened before?” she asked, her eyes still averted. 

Ben pulled her close and rested his head on the top of her head. She looked so confused, frustrated and he felt sadness mixing in from the bond. “Well, I guess because your body wasn’t ready to have a child? You didn’t have much to eat, so you had to conserve that energy for yourself? I’m really not sure, though. “But surely you’ve noticed that your body has been changing now that you have enough to eat.” he said, gesturing vaguely at her chest.  _ He sure had. " _ Maybe Mom would know more? I’m a guy so I only know the basics. This time he wasn’t trying to shirk the conversation he truly didn’t know much else about it. Except that him and Han treaded lightly when it was time for Leia’s cycle. 

“So, there’s something to help keep me clean?” Rey asked. 

“Yes,” Ben said. He led her to the fresher closet, and handed her the supplies. “Do you know how to use them?”

“Do you?” she sassed. 

Maybe he would have to be careful about what he said and did during her cycle too. “Uh, should I get a med droid?”

“No, I think I can figure it out. Can you get me fresh clothes? I’m taking a shower,” Rey snapped. 

Finally, something he could do. Once he delivered the clothes and shut the door, he went to find a cleaning droid for new sheets and to take care of her clothes. He ran through other things Rey might not know, so he could ask Leia to talk to her about it, so she would have a women’s perspective. But he couldn’t think of anything, at least until they were closer to having sex. 

Rey was determined to make him die by embarrassment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *AN: I can see this happening. Rey is fairly isolated, no real women in her life that might explain it and who would have a holo on menstruation on a military display/computer thing*


	33. Chapter 33 Unexpected Guests and possible lead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are so incline prayers/positive thoughts, my mom is getting biopsy to figure out cancer staging today. Best case for us is that they are mistaken in their scans. 
> 
> *Last time on WO: Rey gots her cycle and Ben explained. (b/c: awkward is my fave, and embarrassing Ben, don't you know me by now?)

Ben woke up to Rey kissing his neck, and he shivered. He didn’t even try to hide his hardness. She knew what it was, why, and what happened. She had one leg between his and was draped across his chest and her weight was comforting. He sat part of the way up, and pulled her to straddle his lap. He strained to kiss her and moaned when she pressed down on him. This was an added bonus, but in his sleep addled brain, he wasn’t sure what his goal had been. He couldn’t help but thrust up a bit as he surveyed her still bare chest. He took a palmful and gauged her reaction. She closed her eyes and her head fell back a bit. She was warm between her legs, and Ben tried to make himself be still, to see what she would do. 

He circled her peak and she rolled her hips, moaning as she did. “Is this okay?” she asked, bracing her hands on his chest. 

“More than okay,” Ben answered, his voice low and gravely. 

Rey did it again, then settled in a rhythm. Ben felt the coiling and heat and his stomach and he tried to calm himself, but he thrust up against her, and came in his underwear. 

“Ben? Rey?” Han said, opening the door. He took one look at his son below Rey, her chest bare, and turned around, bumping right into Leia. 

“What are you doing?” She asked, stepping around him with Luke on her heels. They too got an eyeful. “Oh. I guess we should have knocked,” she said weakly. 

Ben threw the blanket around Rey’s shoulders and flopped his head on the pillow. Rey was frozen, her eyes wide. “Geez, Mom. Do you mind? He said, annoyance coloring his tone.

“Oh, right! We’ll just go. See you at breakfast. Luke may have found something,” Leia said, pushing Luke the rest of the way out of the room before shutting the door a bit harder than strictly necessary.

“How long do you think that has been going on?” Leia said, a bit of panic in her voice. “Do you think Rey understands? Oh, do you think they’re having sex? Or being safe if they are?”

Han chuckled, smiling proudly. He knew that Ben was always awkward with girls, and the ones at the academy were rude and further undermined his confidence. He seems to be doing just fine. He took off his outer robe and hung it on the door, just in case. He remembered being young and inexperienced. “I think Rey understands pretty well,” Han said, his smile growing. 

Leia punched his shoulder and he tried to temper his smile. “This isn’t funny. Don’t you think that they are young for this? And why are _you_ getting undressed, you nerfherder. I want nothing to do with _that_ right now. I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that.” Han raised his eyebrow, waiting for her to connect the dots. “Oh. Well, how considerate of you,” she said sarcastically.

“Would you rather he march across campus doing the march of shame?” Han retorted

Luke cleared his throat before they got into a screaming match. “I know that the code discourages attachment and love, but Leia, they have been sharing a bed. I’m just surprised we haven’t walked in on something before now. Now, shall we go… do something else before breakfast?” 

“At least it was Rey half undressed. It could have been your grown son,” Han said, chuckling again. 

“Han?” Leai said, venom laced in her voice. “If you ever want me to be even half undressed again--shut up.”

“Shutting up now,” he said, mimicking zipping his mouth shut. 

Once the door closed, Rey couldn’t decide if she was too humiliated to continue. It had felt so good. “Do you think they are coming back?” she whispered.

“No,” Ben opened his eyes to meet hers. “At least they better not. Why?” 

“Well, I liked that. Do we have to stop?” Rey asked. 

“Um, I can touch you, but it might not feel quite the same now,” he said. _Would this humiliation ever end today?_ Rey really would be the end of him. Or at least his dignity. 

“Why?” Rey said, curious. 

_‘Stars. Kriff it all to hell.’_ He cursed.

  
  


Ben rolled her to the side and let one of his hands tease her breast, and trailing his other to the waistband of her pants. Maybe he could distract her. He reached her center, and experimented by sliding one finger inside. She was so tight and wet, he thought that maybe he would be hard again, after all. She groaned and rolled her hips. He felt a surge of pleasure through the bond, and he smiled. He thrust in and out, pressing the heel of his hand against the spot on the outside she seemed to really enjoy last night. Rey had been so worked up from earlier, it was only a few more slides of his finger, with the counterpressure above before her whole body shook a bit and she called out his name. She sat up and smiled hugely at him. She said sheepishly as she stood. “I guess I should get cleaned up. They’ll be waiting. Oh and Ben? Thank you.” 

“Stars, Rey. You don’t have to thank me. Ever.”

“But, I haven’t helped you. I don’t know how exactly, but I want to figure it out. I _have_ seen the general process.” 

Ben debated if he should get over himself and let her know just how much she had ‘helped’ him. But his eyes flickered down and she followed his gaze to the visible wet spot on his pants. 

“Oh, good! I’m glad you enjoyed it too,” she said, relief coloring her tone and the bond. 

Ben smiled at her optimism and obvious happiness that they’d both enjoyed what happened. He sat up, hiding a grimace at his now cold spend that coated him. Ben did enjoy himself but he was going to have to keep clothes in here, because he was _not_ looking forward to walking through the halls like that. The padawans weren’t really required to wear the long outer robes--especially days where it was hot and humid-- but now he wished that he would have. 

“Meet you at breakfast soon?” she said, turning to the door of her fresher. 

He went over, pressed a kiss to her forehead and nodded. As he left her room, a long robe fell to the floor from outside the door. He looked at it, and realized it was Han’s. 

_Bless him._ Ben wrapped it around him and even though it was too short, it was covering. 

Thirty minutes later, they all met for breakfast, an awkward silence at the table. Rey was brave enough to break it. She had some measure of embarrassment at being caught in action, so to speak. But she was not as used to social awkwardness and didn’t care to try to tiptoe around it. “What did you find Luke?” She had called him that so often that she was having trouble getting used to the “master” title. She still wasn’t exactly certain she wanted to finish training to be a Jedi. It was nice to learn about meditation and learn about their history. She was also eager to try her hand at sparring with Ben, but so far Luke hadn’t cleared her. 

“So, I found a text about a set of wayfinders that give clues to a location, but I think that something similar may be used here. A sort of holocron that gives us clues for how to proceed,” Luke handed Rey a text, open to a specific page and Leia looked over her shoulder. 

“I was also reading about this a month ago, but I didn’t think of it in terms of breaking a spell or trap. But it could just as easily be an attack on the mind. This talks about tricks for realizing that you are in a vision or even possibly projections of your fears. It is a rare sort of shield. We can work on them in morning meditation,” this one he gave to Ben. Han made a show of reading with him, but they all knew he didn’t have the patience for Jedi texts. 

“Speaking of training, Luke do you think that I‘m ready to spar?” Rey asked. 

He gave her a critical once over and nodded. “But take it easy,” he looked pointedly at Ben. “Don’t let her do too much. She’s a beginner at forms and lightsaber technique. Keep it simple and don’t let her have a staff, she might kick your butt. You have a reputation to uphold, you know.”

Ben eyed Rey and smiled. He wouldn’t mind her kicking his butt. He blushed and continued that line of thought. 

Or grabbing it. Or pinching it.

  
  


*AN: Stars, I love embarrassing Ben Solo. It gives me perverse pleasure. And I love writing Han.

And forgive me if I misuse/misinterpret how some of these traps or protections might work. #ruleofcool


	34. Chapter 34 Awkward talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Last time on WO: They find a good source that may help prepare them to retrieve the artifact. Luke, Leia and Han get a front row seat to our favorite space couple’s explorations **

The next morning Ben led Rey to the training rooms, and she looked around in awe. “I’ve never seen this many weapons all together. Do you know how to use them all?”

“I’ve had basic training with them all, but students are encouraged to find one they are most comfortable with, and everyone does saber training,” Ben explained, walking over to the rack. “Do you want to start with a staff? We can see how strong you are after everything.”

Rey nodded as she walked over, smoothing her hands over several until she found one that was about the same height as the one one she used back on Jakku. She grabbed it and tested its weight, giving a few twirls and jabs. Ben was leaning against the wall eyeing her intently. She had a good stance and grip. She would be easy to work with compared to most of the padawans he had worked with. Ben led her to an empty training room after grabbing his own staff. 

They faced off, eyeing each other. He found her ferocity rather hot. So when she smirked at him and raised her eyebrows rushed at him much faster than he expected and jabbed at his side. He grunted as he was forced back a step, knowing he would probably bruise. He’d gotten distracted and underestimated her. 

“Sorry, I thought you were ready,” she said sheepishly. 

Ben blushed and replied “I am now.” He went on the offensive, seeing how her defense was. He figured that was her weakness since she was fast and brutal with her hits. He noted she unrefined, unlike how they were trained here at the academy, but she blocked each of his hits. He started slowly, with barely any force but she swatted those away like a desert fly. He swung at each of the weak spots, going through a basic but effective form. Over her head, both sides, knees, trying to sweep her feet out from under her, and spun around to jab at her backwards. He added a little more speed and strength behind his hits but she met every one of them. She seemed to know that he was testing her defences but he could tell when she got tired of it. 

Because she went on the offense. Rey seemed to temper her hits at first, not wanting to hurt him again but she realized that she truly had taken him by surprise with her first jab, so she went at him hard. If she landed a hit, that is when she pulled back her strength, something she noticed he did with her. 

Ben was in awe, she had much more skill than he’d thought. She was scrappier and much faster than she looked, and he could see where she got the reputation not to mess with her. Ben knew that she was tempering her hits but they still stung when she managed to get by his blocks. They both kept the force out of it for now, but he wondered if she hadn’t subconsciously used it back on Jakku. Not that she needed it but latent powers tended to express themselves somehow. 

They were both sweating and as their match went on Ben constantly checked the bond for any extreme fatigue or pain. One such instance Rey completely got through his defense and came in super close. Her staff went right by his side, and he knew that she aimed it there. It would have been enough to cause some internal damage. She was in his space starting up at him, both of their breathing accelerated. He stepped in until their bodies were flush and bent down to kiss her. 

Someone cleared their throat and they both stepped back looking sheepish. They had attracted a crowd without them really noticing so there were a lot of people watching through the glass. Most notably Han and Leia. Rey picked up her staff that she’d dropped when Ben’s lips met hers and they left the training room. The other students cleared out, returning to what they were doing before Ben and Rey gathered attention with their sparring. A lot of the older students, in fact pretty much every guy over the age of 16 had gone up against Ben, and only a few lasted as long as Rey had. 

“Well, I supposed that is one way to distract your opponent, though I can’t say I have tried that method before. But, Rey? It might have helped if you didn’t drop your weapon,” Han said as they were leaving the training area. 

Ben smirked at him, and shook his head. He and Rey were about to turn down their hallway when Leia spoke up. 

“Rey, do you think that you could take a walk with me?” 

Rey eyed her, wondering if she was upset that she was being so physical with her son. But she just nodded and told Ben she would see him later. They walked in silence for a few minutes until Leia guided them out the door. The sun was shining brightly and Rey lifted her face to it and smiled. She was still not really accustomed to being inside so often, a lifetime of working outdoors had left that mark on her. The sun was different here somehow. Softer and not as brutal. 

Rey was surprised when Leia broke the silence by blurting out “Are you and Ben having sex.”

Rey’s mouth dropped open briefly and her face colored. “Uh, no. Just… other things.” 

Leia seemed to consider that and finally nodded. “I guess that I should have talked to you before now, but I guess I was in denial a bit. When I look at Ben, sometimes all I can see is my little boy, not a man. But after what I saw yesterday, I figured that it was past time. Do you know, really understand what sex is?” 

“Yes, “ Rey answered quietly. “I had a vague idea before but Ben explained a lot to me. 

Leia suppressed a smile, trying to imagine Ben fumbling through that conversation. “Do you have any questions that he might not have answered?”

Rey considered, she couldn’t decide if she wanted to answer or if she would ask Ben another time. It was embarrassing but Leia was a woman too, and maybe she knew things that Ben didn’t. “How is he ever going to fit?” She finally blurted. 

Leia tried to imagine that she was talking about anyone besides her son. “He should prepare you. He’s touched you right? Or did you notice the way you felt when you were...on top of him?” She plowed through. She knew that Rey didn’t really have any friends that were girls, and Leia didn't know what she would have done when she was a teen if she didn’t have someone to talk to. When Rey nodded, Leia continued. “That will help but a woman’s body there stretches a lot. After all when you have a baby, it is bigger than a man’s… penis.” 

Rey squelched the need to laugh, something about this was so surreal. This was his mom, a powerful woman in politics and she just said penis like it was a dirty word. 

“Though, it may hurt a little the first time and there could be a little blood. But I found that when Han gave me a minute to adjust, it felt good really quickly after that.”

Oh, stars. Now Rey had a tootally unwelcome vision of Han, that way. But she figured it was even because Leia was talking about her son. “Well, I think that's the only thing I was wondering about. Though if I have any more questions, I can come to you, right?” Rey didn’t wait for an answer, she was just ready for this conversation to be over. 

“Wait, Rey. One more thing. Have you two talked about protection? I know that it can be easy to get caught up in the moment.”

Rey turned and looked at Leia. She considered just nodding to get herself out of the situation, and not look any more ignorant or naive. She finally decided that this was probably something that she wasn’t supposed to know the answer to. “Protection for what?”

“Birth control. It can be best to get something now, before it happens. There are things that can last for years if you want but are also easily reversed. There are also things you can use in the moment or even afterwards but the other way it is something you don’t have to think about. You can talk to a droid or the doctor and I can come with you if you want.”

“I’ll let you know, okay?” Rey said. She was on information overload and was ready to find Ben. 

In Ben’s room things were much simpler. Han gave him a smile, handed him condoms and told him to make sure to be safe. 

Ben nodded and after Han left, stuck them in the bedside table for when Rey was ready for that step. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do condoms exist in Star wars universe? I am guessing from the amount of fics with implants those do. But anyways. Rule of cool.


	35. Ch 35 Not the meditation  they were looking for

They’d moved her clothes and a plant that the doctor gave her to a room much closer to Ben’s own room, the cafeteria, and the classrooms. Ben felt a wave of sadness at her lack of belongings, but Rey seemed to think nothing of it. He’d asked her if she had anything of her parents or that she loved back on Jakku but she’d answered no. She explained that they really never had much besides the necessities and they’d pitched in for a heavier blanket that they all shared. Rey told him that the blanket, her flight simulator, the BTL-A4 display, her toolkit, and cleaning tools she had kept in the AT-AT, plus her speeder would have been long ago scavenged. 

“Is there anything you want?” Ben asked. Jedi and padawans were discouraged from clinging to or putting much value in personal possessions, but he knew that most students had things in their rooms. Journals, trinkets, mementos from home, and what Ben had the most of--books--and not the Jedi text variety.

“Well, I did like my flight simulator. But that’s no big deal. I have enough to do,” She said. Then she considered for a moment and her face lit up. “Oh! I did think of something. Do you think that Han and Chewie might let me help with repairs? I miss having parts and tools in my hands.”

“We can ask them, for sure,” Ben answered. He knew that she’d done things like that to keep herself alive, but he didn’t know if Han would agree so easily. He was determined to speak to Han first, so he would have time to think about it before Rey asked. Ben was pretty sure if she was told no, she wouldn’t ask again, and Ben loved the way her face was so happy at the prospect. Their conversation was interrupted by a knock even though the door was wide open. Ben smirked and guessed that Luke wasn’t taking any chances of seeing a repeat of earlier that week. 

Soon, the three of them were in a small private courtyard, right by Rey’s new room, sitting cross legged in a small circle. “Okay, take a deep breath and relax, like any normal meditations,” Luke instructed. “When you reach out to the force, still be aware. But do more than just let it fill you. You need to ask it for help. Try chanting help me you should feel a new awareness when it acquiesces. It will fill you up, your mind and body. Probably your bond as well. Then ask it to show you the truth. When you feel like you’ve gotten it under control, just nod at me. I will try to enter your mind, you should let me. I won’t force it though, it's still so new.” 

It was the second day of trying it, and they quickly figured out that doing this new kind of meditation surrounded by other padawans of all ages was not viable. Some of them squirmed, some of them giggled, whispered, and many of the youngest just followed Luke around. Nothing had changed about the situation, under normal circumstances it was easy to block out, but when trying something new of this magnitude on top of needing more of Luke’s guidance--it just didn’t work. 

Rey found the courtyard quickly, she loved to be outside, and especially if it was a place that other padawans didn’t frequent. Most of them liked to go to the open space between the front of the academy and the path through the woods; Ben and Rey had mostly been avoiding that because the confrontations like they’d had before wouldn’t do either of them any good. Any time they were doing meditation, some sort of class, or visiting the library, the other padawans mostly kept clear. There were too many adults around and they had enough sense of self-preservation that they kept to their whispers and pointed looks. 

“Rey?” Luke whispered in her ear. “Are you okay?” It was a gentle chastisement. Luke had more than enough practice to tell when someone’s mind was wandering rather than trying to meditate. 

Rey nodded and tried to focus on her breathing and the force all around her. She could feel a center of calm that Ben radiated on his side of the bond, and she let that center her. She whispered for the force to help her and guide her but she felt nothing change. Rey could be patient though, so she stretched out her senses and sensed the wildlife all around her. She felt something change in the bond, and she opened up to it, but found herself frozen in space and in her thoughts.

Ben felt himself opening up to the force, and thought that he was making progress when he felt a tugging. It wasn’t the bond with Rey but it still felt horribly familiar. The lightness of the force began siphoning away, and it left him feeling drained and weirdly exhilarated at the same time. It was no longer like turning his face to soak up the sun but dipping it into frigid water on a hot day. He was being drawn to a well of pure power. He could feel it pulsing under the grass, soil and through the core of the world itself. It tickled the edges of his senses, a siren song to grab a hold and draw from it. It promised power, greatness, being respected, revered, wanted, and  _ worthy.  _ It was calling his name, begging him to do something. 

His thoughts were all over the place, and he couldn’t focus. It whispered discordantly in his ear, a voice that he should know but at the moment he didn’t care. It was power. The cord thrummed, tantalizing him, it was waiting for him. Untapped, pure, not light or dark, but untainted. 

_ Just reach for it. Tug. You have to take it to reach greatness.  _

The voice was right, Ben thought. There was a barrier, and he banged on it, not accepting that he was being denied entry. Still, the voices buzzed incessantly and he became irritated. Maybe if they would just shut up he could figure out how to get through. If he could just pull the rest of the power inside himself he might finally have a chance to live up to Vader’s name and legacy.

_ Ben.  _ Another voice was calling him, but he pushed it away. He was almost there. 

_ Yes, you’ve got it. Now, pull.  _

The power was slippery and fighting him, hard. But he managed to get a firm grip, he could feel tendrils flowing through the cord, feeding his power. 

_ Ben! It hurts. Please.  _

Ben paused, though it was one of the hardest things he could remember doing. He could feel himself getting stronger and that was the goal. To take, conquer, be the strongest. Wasn’t it? He was confused and the connection to the power was unstable, trembling, demanding to be released. 

But where? Restore the previous balance, or to let power grow in him? That was the answer. It had to be. 

_ Ben. _ The voice was weaker this time. 

The voice--the sith-- was never weak, always loud, strong, distinctly male. And it never said please. Ben’s brain was still struggling to put the pieces together. He needed that power. But he’d heard a different voice-- it was weak, pleading, trusting. It was everything the other voice was not. It was light, pure, but it felt emptier? 

He couldn’t tell. He knew that there was something he was missing, but he felt so frantic from trying to hold this live wire that demanded to be released, it didn’t care where at this point. 

He felt a stinging slap, and he tried to ignore it. He needed… Something?  _ You're weak, take the power and you won’t be anymore. The girl is making you weak. I’d hoped to use you both together, the bond is strong, I could work with it. Just don’t kill her. Take the power.  _

The girl? Ben thought, trying to make sense of the storm in his mind. The two voices, the quivering bond that didn’t feel  _ right.  _

There was a smack again, harder and he shook his head trying to dismiss the pain. 

_ Ben? I love you. I’m sorry.  _

Love? Sorrow? 

Rey. 

More pain, this time in his nose. He vaguely felt the bone break, and blood gushing down his face. He fell from some distance, he wasn’t sure if it was a great drop or a small one, but it still felt jarring, if not painful. 

He couldn’t open his eyes, but he tried to probe the bond. Rey felt so far away and he needed to see what he’d done, but it was blocked. It wasn’t Rey’s normal shield, it was colored strangely and coming from outside the two of them. 

Ben let go of the cord of power, and it snapped back into place. He threw the doors in his mind wide open, and focused on the light. Rey’s light, that was dimming slowly. He pushed power into her, and it didn’t brighten but it didn’t get any darker. His eyes opened, but it took him longer than it should to focus. 

When he finally sat up, dizzy from the piercing pain in his skull, and a bone deep pain and emptiness that he knew came from Rey-- because of him. He was having trouble making sense of what he was seeing. Luke was sitting by Rey, his hands on her temples. The bond still felt off, and he slowly realized it was Luke who was blocking the shield. He must have felt the surge of light and let it in but then shut it again. Ben tried to find a crack so he could break through and see how she was. 

But he was either too weak or Luke was too strong. Or both at that moment. Ben tried to stand but he was too dizzy and depleted. He remembered falling face first on his nose, more sharp pain, then passing out.

When he woke up he was on a stretcher, a med-droid on each side. He started to sit, but one of them put a hand on his chest. “Master Ben, you are weak, please lie down.”

Ben shoved the hand away, and used all of his focus with a hefty force boost to sit up. “Where’s Rey?” The droids stopped when he insisted on sitting up, and he pushed himself off the cot to stand. 

“She’s just ahead, sir. If you would please sit down, we can catch up quicker,” the droid toned. 

Ben ignored him, and stalked forward. Nausea and weakness washed over him, but he put it aside. He’d deal with it later. He caught up with Rey and she had more droids around her. He had no patience for being kept from her though. The bond felt abnormal, and not just because of Luke’s interference and his own mental and physical state. He shouldered his way into the ring around Rey’s stretcher and was shocked at what he saw. 

Rey was laying on her side with her eyes wide open and glassy. They darted back and forth, barely landing on his face before blinking sluggishly and settled looking straight ahead. She had blood coming from her nose, ears and mouth. One droid’s sole job was keeping suction going for her nose and mouth to keep her airway clear. He took her hand, shaking away the fatigue and shakiness in his legs. “Where’s Luke?” he growled at the droid nearest him, who looked the least busy. The other was scanning her body, but kept returning to her brain and heart. 

“Master Ben, he is meeting us in the med room. He’s speaking with the doctor and one of the other instructors. Sir, please come back and sit. You seem pale and shaky. You could be in shock.” 

Ben spared a moment to roll his eyes and give it an icy look. He kept hold of Rey’s hand and followed the cord in him to the place where they usually connected. The wall was still there, but he did the best he could to send healing and comfort through to her. 

Her body jerked a little and he didn’t know if that was a good or bad sign. “What’s wrong with her?” he demanded of the same droid that told him where Luke was. 

“Not sure, sir. Her heart is slow, and although we don’t see any abnormalities there or in her brain. We still aren’t sure why she’s bleeding, but we’ve given her meds that should help stop that.”

Guilt swirled sickenly in his stomach. Something had happened. He was sure that the cord he’d been pulling on was hers. He had been draining her force, maybe even her life from her. It hadn’t felt like he had much of a choice, but that was a cop out, because it was him that stopped it. Eventually. 

He wasn’t sure what went wrong, he hadn’t felt any darkness before when he was calling the Force. But he remembered the storm inside, the whispers, and the way the power had beckoned him to take it. He ran a hand over his face, wincing when he hit his nose. It wasn’t his first broken one, but it still stung. 

The droids kept up their quick pace until they entered a room much like Rey had been in before, with the exception of all the medical equipment here. Ben didn’t know what even half of it did, but he felt a little more comfortable to see Luke, the doctor and Knight Ashby. Ashby was the most proficient at healing besides Luke and she had just returned from a mission to the outer rim to help with a medical crisis. He heard them talking and stood at the door while they took Rey inside. He had fragments of memories but didn’t know what happened or what it looked like from the outside. 

“She just froze. One minute she was trying to get in a meditative state, and then I could feel her force signature fluctuate. She is usually so bright, but she became blank. Not dark, not at first. The bleeding started as a trickle from her nose, and then her ears. She didn’t start coughing up blood until the darkness started taking over the bond. Her force signature became fainter as Ben’s became stronger. I hit him a few times to try to snap him out of it. It wasn’t until she’d passed out and I broke his nose that the power balanced out. I had been trying to shield her and keep him from taking any more from her, he was close to killing her.”

“It sounds like we need to protect her from him,” Ashby reponsed. “She just got out of a coma, and now this? I knew that he made trouble before and played with the darkness.” 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. They’re force bonded. You know what, just stop talking. If you don’t want to help, then get out.” Luke snapped.

Ben smirked. It was not often that Ben heard Luke lose his temper, much less defending him at the same time. 

“Of course, what can I do?”

Ben walked in and joined them around Rey. 

“Okay, I am going to drop my shield on her. Ben, don’t alter the bond if you can help it. Keep your side protected as much as you can. We’re going to press healing throughout her body. We’ll join our force signatures together and try to smooth out and hopefully erase the darkness,” Luke instructed. 

Ben and Ashby nodded and Luke gave the go ahead. They all channeled healing into Rey, gathering the strength of all their light to helping her. But the strangest thing was, it was almost like her side of the bond was  _ consuming _ the light. “I think we should stop, and try something else,” Ben said. 

But at that moment Rey gasped, opened her eyes and floated as if suspended by puppet strings above the bed.


	36. Chapter 36 Unintended consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Content warning: self harm. Slightly dubious consent. I don't think its a necessary warning, but just in case. (there's no sex, just sexual actions)***
> 
> **Last time on WO: Luke tries to teach them mediation tricks to combat force induced visions, but Ben is influenced by the dark. He almost drains Rey’s force and her life. Rey just woke up after being healed. **

Rey opened her eyes and she was in the air, she felt so full of raw power. Not the force that she was used to, but it was alluring, seductive. Her body was weak, but she drew from that well that whispered her name.  _ Yes! You are no longer a nobody. Take it, and come to me. You will belong here, not feeling like an outsider. You are only tolerated here because they are his family. I can give you a new family. A purpose.  _ Rey nodded. She’d longed her whole life to have a place, to have significance. 

Something gave her pause. Ben.  _ Don’t worry. I have plans for him too. But he still has things to learn. One thing you can do to teach him before you leave. Now, take the power.  _

Rey hesitated but grabbed hold and drew it into herself. It felt amazing, like she could do anything, be anybody--be  _ somebody. _ She’d never felt stronger, the force never felt so easy to touch. She kept taking until she hit a wall. She did not like to be denied. She clawed at the barrier that kept her from the force she craved.  _ That’s enough, for now. We don’t want him too weak.  _

Rey was not happy with this, but she also didn’t want to hurt Ben. She let go with a sigh. She dropped to the bed and looked around. There were droids everywhere and faces looking at her with a mixture of shock and worry. 

“How do you feel Rey?” the Jedi asked. 

She ignored him and focused on Ben. They were still connected and it felt wonderful. She dropped her shields and drank in their connection. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to teach him, but she wanted to touch him and never stop. She hopped off the bed and walked over to him, eyeing him. He watched her warily, but didn’t hesitate when she launched herself in his arms. 

“Rey, why don’t you lay back down? You’ve been through a lot,” Ben whispered in her ear. 

She shook her head and pulled him closer. She drank in his scent, and thought  _ mine. _ He pulled back a bit and looked into her eyes. Rey wasn’t sure what he saw there, but he led her to a chair.  _ Be right back, I promise. _ He whispered over the bond. And he was. He’d gotten a wet towel and came back over. 

The other Jedi in the room and the Twilek all made to follow him, but Rey held up her hand. When they kept coming she gave a push with the force, and they were suddenly against the wall on the other side of the medbay. “Just him,” Rey growled. 

Ben hesitated when she’d thrown them to the wall, but shook his head and kept advancing to her. He wiped her face, and she was surprised to see that the cloth came away soaked with blood. She couldn’t remember the exact events that led her to be here, but apparently it involved bleeding from her nose and ears. Now that she thought about it, her face had felt wet and she’d tasted the bitter metallic liquid running down her throat. But those were secondary, maybe even tertiary concerns. Rey could feel Ben caress the bond and she shivered.  _ Are you okay?  _ She heard his smooth, seductive voice in her head. 

She considered, and nodded.  _ Can we get out of here?  _ She sent back. She raised from the chair and was slightly unnerved by the scrutiny that he was giving her. 

_ Let’s wait until you stop bleeding, okay? I’m worried... And... Can you let them go? _ He asked hesitantly. 

Rey sighed and released the thread that held them in place. It seemed to upset him, and he mattered to her. She didn’t care one way or another really. She just didn’t want them touching her, or for that matter  _ near _ her. “Stay out of my way,” Rey looked at each of them in turn, making sure that they understood she was serious. Maybe even dangerously so. 

“Ben? Can I speak to you?” Luke asked. 

Rey squeezed his hand, and shook her head.  _ Don’t leave me. _

_ Okay, Rey. I won’t. But he is a much better healer than I am. Let him try and then we can leave.  _ Ben pleaded with her. 

“Fine. Luke only,” she growled. 

Luke nodded and came their way. She interrupted his progress though, threatening him. “And don’t touch anything you’re not supposed to or you’ll be up against a wall again. I know you’ve done it before, and you won’t again."

Luke visibly paled, but kept walking toward her. His face was tight with concern, but he answered. “Of course. I’m sorry about that before.” Luke turned slowly and spoke to the other Jedi in the room. "You know, Ashby, why don’t you go and work with the students? I have it under control now.” Ashby looked frozen, distinctively uncomfortable. But she tilted her head to the side and took his suggestion, closing the door behind her. 

Luke put his hands on her temples and Rey felt the icy wave of healing crash over her. Something happened and she felt the blood stop coming out of her nose and ears. She loved the feeling of his force in her, and tugged a little, taking more than he was giving. He jerked away, opening his mouth to say something, then changed his mind. He gave Ben a look, and they seemed to communicate something silently. Not through the Force though, because the bond was wide open and Rey would know. 

Rey stood and pulled Ben with her. He only resisted a bit, but then smiled tightly at her when she turned to see why he wasn’t following. They walked silently to her room, Rey reveling at the extra energy she had pooled into herself, and she felt that Ben was concerned, fatigued, and feeling a little helpless. She sent comfort to him and that seemed to boost him a bit. 

Once they reached her room, she shut the door and put her arms around his chest. She was glad to have him, and she wanted to show him the power she had figured out how to obtain and where she was hiding it. She was sure that he would understand. He could be with her as she figured out how to make something of herself. But she felt like this Jedi academy was not the way to get what she needed. She shifted and pulled his lips down to her and kissed him, pouring her love and desire into their connection. Both physical and in their bond. 

_ That’s it. Join with him and he will be ready. He will come with you. He can help show you who you are supposed to be.  _

She heard the whisper in her mind. She wondered how she could have been scared of this voice. It wanted to help her, guide her, and it wanted Ben to be with her. She felt a rush of pleasure in her stomach, then lower. She was wet between her legs, like she got when he touched her. She pushed more of that desire into him, and Ben willing backed up until he sat on the bed. Rey took off her tunics and breast band, throwing them to the side. Then she took off her boots and pants, but left on her underthings for now. They hadn’t ever taken off her pants in their explorations and Ben’s eyes widened, taking in her bare legs and the shadow of her through her white underwear. She smiled at the power she felt over him. Her body was maturing and filling out and she could tell that he liked it. She let him look for another beat, and then climbed on his lap. 

She returned to his lips, letting her hands roam over his chest and then his back. He was breathing harder and when she felt he was fully hard, she rolled her hips over him. 

“Force! Rey,” he said, his voice low and rough. He held on to her hips and moved her over him again. 

She reached between them and unfastened his pants. She hadn’t touched him yet, even though she had been wanting to. She ran her hand over him. He was warmer there, somehow the skin was so soft, but he was definitely full and hard in her hand. She pumped a few times, experimenting until he gasped and threw his head back. She shoved his pants down more and moved closer to him, and pushed her underwear to the side. She grabbed him at the base again, and tried to line them up. 

“Rey?” he said tightly. 

“Hmm?” she answered, moving her head forward to suck on his neck as she tilted her hips forward. It was much harder than she thought to get them lined up. She shivered at the thought of sliding onto him. When he put his finger inside it felt so good.

_ Yes, that’s it. Show him how much you love him. Take that passion and share it with him.  _

She moved over him, not caring at the moment that she was having problems lining them up. Just sliding back and forth like this, no clothing between them, well at least down  _ there _ , was exhilarating. 

“Rey? Force! That feels good. But we should stop. You had a rough day and I wanted to talk about it before we took this step. Ughn. Rey. Stop. Please?” 

It felt like he poured ice water on her. She stood up, humiliated and stared at Ben.  _ He can’t even see what is in front of him. You’re beautiful, I would make you feel good. Leave him for now. I promise he will join us when he is ready.  _

She grabbed her robe from the floor, and wrapped it around her tightly, not bothering with the rest of her clothes. Ben hastily fastened his trousers and hung his head. He fully felt what she was feeling. He got up and made to approach her, but she pushed him back to the bed, letting the force hold him there until she ran from the room, slamming the door as she left. She tightened the bond as much as she could. Blocking out emotions and hopefully even more. 

_ He doesn’t find you attractive. He was just using you for pleasure when he didn’t have to look at you. We will make him see. Take the power and come to me.  _

‘Where are you?’ she asked. 

She felt a thread growing, right beside where Ben was, and she felt a tugging. She blindly followed it, and eventually ended up outside, but not to any place that she’d been before. She could feel tears of anger and mortification roll down her face, but it didn’t stop her even though her vision was blurred. 

_ Use it. Emotions aren’t bad. They can be embraced and used to make you stronger. Jedi are afraid of strength but I see so much in you.  _

So she embraced everything she was feeling. She directed her anger to a nearby structure, grabbing at the force around it and yanked. It was satisfying to see it crumble. She’d done that, and she felt pride in herself, the voice was right, she was strong. Once the anger was dealt with, she embraced the shame of being rejected from her sexual advances. It bubbled within her, but she wasn’t sure what to do with it. She was clenching her fists and her nails were digging sharply into her palms. She realized that it was an outlet, no matter how small. 

_ You can use pain. It will only increase the potency of what you can do with the force, It helps focus you.  _ It whispered. 

Then another voice. “ _ Rey, where are you? I’m sorry I hurt you…” _ Rey shoved the voice away, and tautened her shield against the link between them. It was only making her mortification worse. She didn’t want to hear his excuse. 

Pain. She could do pain. She didn’t have a blade, so carving like Ben did wouldn’t work right now.  _ Fire.  _ The voice whispered in her ear. She’d never made fire from the force before and had no idea how to do that. She was getting frustrated at the bubbling emotions in her begging to be released. She clawed at her face, and could feel drops of blood falling. She got a sense of how to make fire, and she tried a few times before a little ball of fire formed above her hands. She grabbed onto it and felt a searing pain and relished it. She smelled the burning flesh and it turned her stomach. At the same time she heard ‘ _ Stop. We can’t destroy those hands. You’ll need them to train with me. But that was good Rey. You’re learning quickly.” _

She waved her hands clumsily and the fire disappeared. The emotions had calmed enough to shove them out of mind for the time being.  _ Now, let's go. Time is running out.  _

She started running, following the tugging. But people were ahead. 

_ Too late. Kill them.  _

She didn’t like that. She didn’t want to kill anyone. She raised her hand, to do what she wasn’t sure, when she ran around the corner and straight into Han. “Force, Rey. Where are you… What happened to you?” Han pulled her robe closed, apparently getting more of an eyeful than he wanted of Rey’s body. She whimpered when he touched her hands and he looked down. “Oh, child,” he said softly. He put his arm around her, careful not to make contact with her blistered and scorched hands. 

“Leia?” he screamed. 

She came running from somewhere, Rey didn’t really care where--but stopped in her tracks when she saw a nearly naked Rey, sobbing into her husband’s arms. 

“It hurts, it hurts,” she said, jerking out of Han’s grasp and slumping to the ground. She pressed her raw hands into her temples and screamed. Darkness and light was warring in her head, and it felt like her brain was going to explode. 

_ You can still leave. Get up. Use the pain. You don’t have to kill them, I see that you aren’t ready. But you  _ can  _ get away.  _ When Rey sat rocking on the ground, still clutching her head, the voice became more insistent and loud.  _ Get UP! _

Rey pushed herself to her feet. She saw the Falcon in the distance and made to run for it. She dodged when Han tried to grab hold of her. But he wouldn’t quit. He had his arms around her, and her vision turned red. She waved her hand and he fell to the ground. Then, almost if it had a mind of its own, she directed power from that same hand and focused on this windpipe. He choked and tried to gasp for air. 

Leia stood shocked for a few seconds and then she ran at Rey. Rey lifted the other charred hand, about to do the same thing to Leia. Leia hesitated, then summoned her own power. She wasn’t fully trained in it, nor did she practice much, but Luke had taught her a mind trick for when Ben was younger and out of control. 

“Sleep,” she said, tears streaming down her face. Rey crumpled to the ground and Leia ran to Han. He was on his hands and knees, pulling air greedily into his lungs. 

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly. 

But before Han could answer, Ben came running over to them, taking in the scene. “What happened here?” he demanded of Leia. 

His voice was cold and hard. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang in there. I love happy endings, but these two still have to face more to get theirs.


	37. Dark Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Content warning: skims over the (possibly slight dubious content from the last chapter. Also a fairly graphic/gruesome description of Rey’s burns.***
> 
> **Last time on WO: Rey wakes up, under the influence of the dark, and she draws from that power, attacking people she loves. She also tried getting it on with Ben because the voice told her to. **
> 
> *AN: We’re getting there and the end is in sight. The first part is Ben’s POV from the last chapter with some new storyline after. It’s not word for word at all but I thought that it might add some insight.*

It was unnerving to see Rey suspended like that. When her eyes opened though, the bond felt strange, wrong. Her force signature was coated black, and he could barely see any of her usually brilliant light shining through. But he kept his wall up like Luke had instructed, and he was glad because soon he felt her banging on the wall between their minds. She had already taken so much power in, and he was afraid what she would have done if she could’ve gotten through. He had hurt her, he knew. He’d taken her power, her light, and when the cord snapped back into place, most of the darkness had gone into her. Guilt churned in his stomach and his head ached from the sith’s voice taking over. But he shoved that down, because there was quite enough going on for Rey without his own issues. 

Suddenly she dropped to the bed, and he felt her side of the bond open up. She was giddy, almost drunk with power. She was also conflicted and a bit confused. She was pushing down the pain and dizziness, but it was so far down Ben wasn’t even sure she felt it at all. When she got up and stalked towards him, he was wary. She was so dark in that moment he wasn’t sure what she might do. Hurt herself? Ben? The whole academy? He tried to be rational and calm. He needed to balance himself so that she wasn’t feeling anything negative from him. 

While, in truth, he was afraid, he didn’t want her to know. He knew and hated the look in someone’s eyes, calculating, weary of the unstable person in front of them. She threw herself in his arms, and he hoped that he could share the light with her again. He tried to send comfort and love to her, but it bounced back at him. He felt the front of his tunic wet, where her face was buried into him, and remembered how badly she had been bleeding. She wouldn’t lay down so he did the only thing he could think of to take care of her, and that was cleaning the blood off her face. If he was honest, it was also because her being covered in blood made him even more afraid of and for her. 

He walked across the medbay and grabbed a warm, damp towel and went back to tend to Rey. Luke and Ashby made to follow him, but Rey force pushed them against the wall. He hesitated, not knowing how to approach her much less help her. He considered letting Luke handle her, but shook his head. He loved her and he knew firsthand how it felt to be handed off to be someone else’s problem. 37

She seemed surprised when he took the towel from her face and it was soaked in her own blood. She quickly seemed to dismiss it. He just felt even more responsible. He’d caused this darkness in her because he lost control of himself and then pushed it all back into her. 

She asked him if they could leave and when she couldn’t be persuaded to rest, he agreed and pleaded with her to let his uncle and teacher free. When he talked her into letting Luke heal her, he was relieved for a few seconds. Until he felt her drawing Luke’s power into herself like she had when they first started to heal her. But they’d thought that was unintentional because of the state her body and mind was in. 

Luke jerked away from her, both physically and mentally. He shot Ben a look. He’d somehow cloaked his signature so that Rey was sure not to notice it. She was high on power and the darkness that was swirling within her. She would be razor focused and then distracted, staring into space seemingly not realizing that time was passing. “We need to stop this. Get the light where it's supposed to be. I’m getting Leia, Han and Chewie ready to leave. I don’t know if we can snap her out of this. We need to get to Onderon,” Luke telegraphed into Ben’s mind. He sent back a wave of acknowledgement, but not a moment too soon because Rey snapped out of her trance and searched their bond and the edges of his mind. 

When she tried to pull him out of the room, part of him just wanted someone to help him, tell him what to do. But Luke would be helping everyone get ready to go, and he needed to be there for Rey and try to drain the darkness from the source of her force. He knew the light was still there, but it flickered off too often for his liking and it terrified him even more when it would blink out for seconds at a time. 

When they got to Rey’s room, she started kissing him and he wondered if he should refuse. She wasn’t herself, and he knew that the sith was in her head. She would get a blank look in her eyes, and Ben could feel the taint from his side of the bond. She didn’t seem to be in pain, or feeling negatively affected like normal when the voice invaded. 

But he could feel how much she was enjoying kissing him and the stages of desire that she shared with him made his own head a foggy mess. He watched in awe as she shed every last piece of clothing besides her underpants. He swallowed thickly and once again the thought that he should stop her flitted through his mind, but it was erased when she straddled him and then moments later undid his pants. She wrapped her small, hot hand around his length and he groaned. But when she pushed her underwear to the side and tried to slide over him, he knew that this was wrong. She wasn’t making rational decisions and he didn’t want this to be something she regretted. 

But  _ force _ , the way she was moving, the way her slick heat felt even if he wasn’t actually buried in her almost made any reservations fly out the window. 

Ben wondered if she would forgive him later on when she was back to herself. He wondered if he could live with himself if their first time happened like this. So he begged her to stop,

Ben’s heart dropped and was breaking for her when she jumped away from him. She covered herself only in her discarded robes and stood there in front of him for a few seconds, looking wounded, rejected and lost. He fastened his pants and when he got up to go put his arms around her, to try to explain, he found himself on his back on the bed, unable to move. He lay there unable to move for a solid minute until the force bondage slowly released him. 

Ben got out of bed, and felt for the bond-- to get a sense of where she was and what she was feeling. But it was shut tighter than he’d ever felt before. He kept trying to find her, to apologize to her, but he wasn't sure if it ever got through. He stood, and debated if he should find Luke first or just go in search of Rey on his own. He finally opted for going by himself, because he didn’t know where Luke was either, and didn’t want to waste more time. 

He ran through the academy, checking palaces she might be. It wasn’t until he felt like his hands were literally on fire did the shield lower, and he was able to latch onto her signature and let it guide him to her. Ben found it so difficult to pay attention because now he was getting waves of intense pain in his hands and he didn’t know what was happening to Rey, or how she could bear what she was going through while still being conscious. 

Ben felt chaos in the bond, conflict mostly and he hoped that she could hang on to the light and let it guide her back. But the inky darkness spread even more through her end of the bond, and Ben was terrified he would lose her. He was getting closer and he dug deep and got an adrenaline powered surge of energy and used it to run towards her. 

Nothing really could have prepared him for the scene that he took in when he got close enough. Rey was force choking his father, Leia stood in shock for a few precious seconds before waving her hand and commanding Rey to sleep. Rey hit the ground with a thud. He could tell that she was alive through the bond, no real sense of emotions, only a swirl of mostly dark power. 

He demanded to know what was going on, even though it was obvious.

“I didn’t know what else to do, Ben. She felt so dark, it was unstable. I thought she was going to kill him,” Leia hung her head. “I didn’t want to. I never wanted to with you either.”

“It is what it is. I know she was out of control. She… well, nevermind. She’s not herself. I’m going to get her on the falcon, can you get Luke? Wanna come with me dad?” Ben helped Han off the ground, then picked up Rey. He tried to push light and love through the bond but it just bounced back to him and that had him even more concerned than before.

Leia nodded, and started back to the school. But she turned when Ben called out to her. 

“How long should she be out?”

She studied the ground in front of her like it held the answers to life itself. “Maybe a couple of hours? I panicked. Ben, I…”

He clamped down his temper. It wasn’t her fault. Not really. Rey would never forgive herself if she came back to the light.  _ When. _ He told himself. She would probably have a hard enough time with hurting him much less if she’d been allowed to kill him. “Mom, you did what needed to be done.” He met her eyes and shrugged his head towards the academy. Ben got Rey settled and dropped his head in his hands. It was his fault, he’d drawn too much from her and made her vulnerable to the dark. He needed to fix this. He had to. 

It was silent in the Falcon, tense and thick. Neither man knew what to say. Luke and Leia came in and both went straight to Rey. Luke put his hands on her, and Ben could feel him testing the bond and trying to send healing through. 

“She’s not accepting it, all of the force just comes back to me,” Luke said. “Do you feel anything?”

“No. Nothing. I just feel… darkness, the bond is blocked almost completely. If I try to send emotions it's just like your healing. It just bounced off. I can touch her signature but I can’t get in. I’ve never felt anything like it. I don’t know what I did, but I screwed up,” Ben said, clenching his fists. 

Leia, who had been smoothing Rey’s hair, came over and put her hand on top of Ben’s. “You deal with the same darkness that she does. Would you blame her if she hurt you on accident? If she weren’t in control herself?” 

“No. Never. She’s only dealing with the darkness because of me though, Because of the bond,” Ben said, getting agitated. He stood up and started pacing. He tried again to soothe the bond, he’d help smooth over darkness once before, but the darkness was all encompassing. There were no edges to it, to file away.

“Son. Do you wish that you didn’t have the bond?” Han asked. 

“What? Of course I want it, but not if it hurts her. Maybe I should see if I could break it. It might be best for her.” 

“Ben. Look at me,” Luke said. He stood patiently until his student, his nephew, turned to look in his eyes. “The force connected you. It wasn’t your choice, but you two are good together. We’re going to do our best to fix this, to get this sith out of both of your heads. It’s not your fault. Do you hear me? Not. your. Fault. And as far as breaking the bond, we have no precedence. What if it kills one of both of you? What if without your help, she can’t come back from the dark?” 

“You’re right, breaking it wouldn’t help. But I just want to  _ do  _ something,” Ben said. He continued his pacing even though there wasn’t much room in his parent’s quarters. 

_ You could turn with her. Then she wouldn’t be alone and in pain. She could break out of this prison she’s in right now and you could be free together.  _

“Shut UP!” Ben roared. His head was pounding, black spots in his vision. He dropped to the floor and banged his head hard on the wall, one time, two, and three until Han dropped to the floor with him and pulled him into his chest. 

“Ben? Are you here with us? Listen, you need to be strong for Rey right now. She needs your light and love, not for you to be in the darkness with her.” 

Ben nodded into his dad’s chest. He’d been getting hugs lately but he couldn’t remember the last time that Han had touched him this much. Nausea churned in his stomach, and he jumped up and ran to the fresher as bile rose in his throat. He emptied his stomach and then sat on the floor and tried to suppress his tears. He finally got up and rinsed out his mouth and splashed water on his face. He stared at his reflection and whispered “Get it together Solo. Rey needs you. Han is right. Make a plan, Be by her side.” 

Ben opened the door to find Luke waiting for him. Luke took his head into his hands and pushed healing to him. The throbbing turned to a dull ache and Ben gave him a smile. “Thanks.”

Luke nodded and patted his shoulder before dropping his hands to his side and then followed Ben back to Rey. Ben sat on the edge of the bed, and took her hand. That is when he noticed that it didn't feel right. It was swollen, had a leathery, almost saggy feeling and was wet. He cradled the hand in his and as he turned it over, part of the skin stuck to his own. He was afraid of vomiting again, but swallowed the bile and took deep breaths. Once his stomach was under control he called urgently to Luke and Leia. It was blistered, a slight grey coloring on the outsides of her palms and getting darker as it got towards the middle. He grabbed the other and it was the same, it was like she had grabbed a ball of fire, or was struck by lightning on both palms. 

“Force! Rey, what did you do to yourself?” Leia whispered. 

“This doesn't look good. Especially since I can’t heal her. Ben, let’s get her to the med bay,” Luke said after peering at her hands. 

Ben picked her up and tried to be as gentle as he could, but she was still jostled. She didn’t flinch though. “Is she in pain?” He asked, his voice cracking.

“I don’t know,” Luke said. 

“You used to tell me you didn’t feel any pain if I had to make you sleep to calm you enough to be safe,” Leia said. 

Ben shivered a bit, remembering now that she mentioned that. He hadn’t been under like that in years, he usually hid his pain well enough these days. He knew thought that had been a lie he told his mom to make her feel better. It was like he was trapped in his own body. Unable to see or move but able to feel everything, hear everything. Every whispered conversation between his parents or to Luke. 

“Rey, I’m sorry. I love you. We’re going to take care of your hands. And we are going to cut off this connection to the sith. Maybe find him and kill him. Just hang on, hold on to the light,” Ben whispered in her ear. He couldn’t decide if he should step gingerly or just full out run to the med center to get her pain meds. They had just left this wing, and he didn’t know that she had recovered from her blood loss, much less dealing with a new injury. He wished that he would stop seeing her in here, because that would mean she was healthy. 

Finally they made it and he reluctantly let the doctor place her on a stretcher and scan her hands. “The burns are severe, the damage is deep. We’ll submerge them in bacta pools, but it will take some time. What happened?” She asked. They all looked at her, not sure how to answer. The doctor huffed. “Different kinds of burns can be helped in different ways. Just spit it out.”

Ben bristled at her tone, but checked himself. “She did it to herself, we think. But no one saw what burned her, what she used. Just fix her.”

A droid came over with a tray and was just about to give her an injection of some sort when her eyes popped open. She snarled and violently knocked the tray across the room. It had to have hurt her hands, but she seemed oblivious. “Don’t touch me again. Next one dies,” she threatened. 

Ben started towards her, but Han grabbed his shoulder, halting him. “I’m not sure you’re an exception.” 

Ben shrugged him off and kept walking towards Rey. He held his hands up in surrender and moved slowly. 

Rey eyed him, considering. “I’m not supposed to kill you, but my master didn’t say anything about hurting you.” She raised her hand, and Ben flew off his feet and into a cart of supplies. Instruments clattered across the floor, but he pulled himself to his feet, trying to shake it off. The air had been knocked out of his lungs, and he tried to take in a deep breath. He kept his eyes on Rey, and tried to keep his face neutral. 

“Let me in, please. I want to be with you, show me what he told you,” Ben said carefully. He hoped that she would open the bond and maybe he could help her then. Heal her, give her light. 

“Do you think that I am that naive? You’re a bleeding heart, I don’t know that I saw in you. You cling so hard to the light. You had years of my master to teach you and you wouldn’t give in. That’s why you’re weak. A disappointment. You wouldn’t step up and finish what Vader started. Now I will.”

“Please, Rey. You know me, you love me. You wouldn’t hurt me. Just let me come to you.” Ben took a small step towards her and everyone stayed frozen, hoping that Ben could help his bonded. 

Rey stood up, not noticing or caring that she was still in nothing but an outer robe and her undergarments. Ben kept his eyes locked on hers as she advanced on him. He couldn’t afford to lose focus. They were on a dangerous line, and he hoped that he could bring her back to the light, but he also had to protect his family. And ultimately Rey from herself. She reached for him and Ben couldn’t help but inexplicably feel small under her gaze. 

She held out her charred palm to him. “Join me,” she asked. She was staring at him, weighing some decision. Or listening to the voice. Master, she’d called him. Ben shivered at that. 

“I can’t,” he whispered. 

“So pathetic. Your face gives you away,” Ben felt her running a hand over the bond. And then she cracked into his mind. It hurt. Agony. He saw everything she was looking at. She flipped through his mind like it was a book. “So soft. Do you really think that you can bring me back to the light? With what? Your love? I tried to give you my love, but you rejected me. Begged me to stop like I was forcing you.”

“Join me.” she asked again. Her mangled hand still palm up towards him, beckoning him. 

She’d withdrawn from his mind and he could somewhat think straight. He used a tendril of force to try to heal her or give her just a little light. He hoped that she’d lost some focus when she’d clawed her way into his mind, left even a crack for him to use. There was nothing. 

She seemed to sense that he wasn’t going to change his mind, so she held out her other hand. Luke’s lightsaber began to fly into her hand, but several things happened at once. Ben threw up a force shield and the saber bounced off it. Ben had forgotten they had an audience until he heard Leia sobbing as she raised her hands and forced Rey to sleep again. 

Rey seemed to fall to the floor in slow motion, and Ben tried to reach her before she hit the floor. But her head cracked on the floor and she was a tangle of limbs. His head hurt so badly and he felt like he was on some strange loop that he couldn’t stop. Guilt churned in his stomach that he hadn’t caught her with the force. He just felt a step too slow, physically and mentally. His emotions were strung out and he just wished that he could turn back time. That she’d never be in this situation. 

There was a doctor hovering over him and Rey. He wasn’t exactly sure when he picked her up again, or when he’d started crying. “Fix her hands and sedate her. Deeply,” he said. Defeat colored his tone as he picked her up and placed her on the bed. He didn’t know what she would have done with that lightsaber but given that she would have killed Han less than an hour ago, he didn’t want to imagine. 

They needed to figure out a way to fix this. Fast. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pray for my mom, she learned its cancer, we don't know what treatment will be yet.


	38. No great options

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Last time on WO: Rey is deeper in the darkness. Ben is desperate. And they’re back in the med center.**

It was late by the time the doctor had cleaned out her wound, settled into the bacta, and worked to get the right level of sedation for Rey. Luke, Leia and Han had left in the middle of it to discuss strategy but Ben had no patience or brain power for that right now. He stared at the slow rise and fall of Rey’s chest and wondered how it had come to this. He tried to shove down his guilt and worry-- he wasn’t sure if any of his feelings went into Rey but he didn’t want to add anything negative. He focused on how much he loved her, how happy she made him and for good measure how beautiful he thought she was--how much he wanted to kiss her. 

Her shields were still like durasteel to him, even sedated. He pushed in as much light as he could, hoping that it would find some crack through to her. But the barrier around her signature, and the place where their bond usually connected was still dark. He hated to think how deeply the sith was in her head--whispering to her, manipulating her. He thought back and wondered where he could have helped her more, strengthening her shields, but sighed in defeat. He’d been doing it his whole life and he had still failed so badly at it, that he’d sucked her light out and left her vulnerable. 

Rey was usually so full of light, a survivor and a fighter, so he had to believe that she could overcome this. He would watch for any change in the bond and try to send emotions through the bond, or send her his thoughts. He feared though that they might have to move up their trip to Onderon and destroy these relics and the power of the sith over the both of them. Luke wanted to keep studying, probably keep practicing the shields to realize an illusion and how to break out of it. But the time for research was probably at its end. And Ben was afraid of how opening himself the way he had that morning had disastrous consequences. He trusted Luke, he did, but what if he tried again and it only made Rey worse? 

Ben sighed, knowing there were no good answers. His perspective was skewed so he would follow what Luke wanted to do. At least to a certain extent. He wasn’t waiting long, unless by some miracle, Rey woke up herself again. He knew it was a bad idea, but he wanted to lower the sedation in the morning and see how she was. He despised seeing her like this. It reminded him so much of their first days in the academy. At least then he was learning how their bond worked, he could feel what she was feeling, and she would accept healing. 

He glanced at her mangled hands and felt the pinprick of tears at the corner of his eyes. He furiously wiped at his eyes when he heard the swoosh of the door sliding open. The doctor gave him a thin smile and walked hesitantly to the side of Rey’s bed. He wasn’t sure if she was afraid of him or Rey. Maybe some combination. “Just do what you need to do,” Ben snarled. The doctor jumped a bit, but otherwise kept her face composed. 

“She hasn’t shown any signs of waking up?”

“No. She hasn’t moved,” Ben answered, trying to temper his tone. He glanced out the window and saw the first signs of daylight. “Don’t give her anymore meds.”

“But…” the doctor protested. She was lifting Rey’s hands from the basin and examined them critically. 

“I said no. She is my bondmate, and I will defend her.”

“She might wake in pain,” the doctor ventured. “The bacta takes time, and her hands still look like they would be classified as second degree.”

“Give her pain meds, but no more sedation then,” he snapped. He knew he was taking out his frustration on the doctor, but he didn’t have it in him to be guilty about anything else. 

“Should I send in some droids? To help if she…” the doctor trailed off. She had no doubt heard about when Rey woke the last time. 

“Fine.” He just wished she would finish and shut up. His head hurt and it was hard to keep up the more positive thoughts for Rey when there was someone else there. At least someone who didn’t care for her personally, rather than as someone to heal and send on their way. He wouldn’t mind actually if his parents and uncle came. That was a sign of how much Rey had brought them all together. Ben’s resentment and pain of what he felt was their indifference and distance when he was a child was melting away. Rey helped him to remember how much they were really there and the ways they showed him love even to this day. 

The doctor finally turned to go, but paused and met Ben’s eyes. “Should I let them bring the medicine? In case she isn’t… herself?” 

Ben considered and nodded. He knew that her reactions yesterday weren't a good indication that today would go any better. But Ben felt like he was failing her, but just keeping her sedated. If he could just… Well, he wasn’t sure. But something had to be able to reach her, right? When the sith influenced him, it was never this intense, and he would usually react and then the darkness would burn itself out as he was able to shield himself again. 

The door opened again and Ben jumped up, the doctor was on his last nerve. “What do you want now,” Ben said, his voice low.

“How is she?” Leia asked, ignoring his son’s outburst. The doctor was in the hallway as they came through and had informed them of Ben’s wishes. Several droids had followed them in and stood spaced around the room. They so unsubtly held syringes full of sedatives and Ben wanted to smash them against the wall, but he clenched his fists. He remembered that he needed to keep calm, and send all of that to Rey, just in case. 

“No change. Her hands are slowly healing. What are we going to do? I know you have a plan?”

But in the moment's distraction, Ben missed Rey coming to a waking state. He went flying and he heard Rey scream. “It hurts. What did you do to me?” 

Ben struggled to his feet, he’d hit the wall hard. If he had time to really consider, he might feel embarrassed being bested by a girl. No matter how strong. He braced himself, a rush of power, ready to block her. She was rocking on the bed, her hands pressed to her ears. Ben saw his family were frozen in place and he waved his hand, breaking through the shield. Rey’s attention was divided, so while it took effort, not as much as it could have. They seemed uninjured, so he kept walking towards Rey. He went slowly, afraid to startle her. He still couldn’t feel anything through the bond, and it was maddening. 

Tears were streaming down her face and she was whispering "It hurts. It hurts. Make it stop. Please. It hurts." Ben sat gently on the bed and pulled her to him.

“What hurts Rey?” he whispered. 

She didn’t even seem to register his presence. Her body started trembling and she screamed again. She clawed at her arms and face, seeming to shrink into herself.

“Shh, Rey. I’m here,” Ben tried to hold her arms gently away from her body. It was breaking his heart to see her hurting herself, especially when he knew the extent of damage to her hands. There was blood dripping from her hands and he couldn’t tell if the blood smeared on her face and arms was from new injuries or her burns being taxed. 

Luke, Leia and Han stayed back, hoping that she was coming back to herself and that Ben could help her do it. They all flinched when she howled in pain again. He took her hands in one of his and wrapped the other around her, trying to give some comfort. She wrenched her hands from his and started hitting at his chest. They weren’t very forceful and when Leia moved, Ben shook his head, waving her away. Rey stopped and suddenly arched her back, so hard that Ben lost his grip on her. She still hadn’t stopped screaming but it changed pitch. She was laying half on him, so he took her back in his arms. 

“No!” She growled and crawled out of his lap and moved as far back on the bed as she could. “It burns, it hurts. I should have listened,” she said. 

Ben wasn’t sure what she was feeling or hearing but it couldn’t be good. She screamed and writhed like she was being tortured. And as much he hated it, he wasn’t sure that the darkness was in control. He scooted closer to her and tried to push healing and love into her. Her shields seemed to pulse and Ben didn’t feel it bounce back to him, so he thought that maybe it would help. 

She started banging her head against the headboard and he could see blood seeping out of her nose and ears. It scared him, just like it had yesterday. He had no clue what was causing it but he was sure it wasn’t good. 

“Mom?” he pleaded, his voice cracking. “Do it,” his voice was low and Leia barely heard him over Rey’s screaming. Rey deflated and slumped to the side. Ben moved up the bed, and put her head in his lap. Leia had wanted to step in before she did, or else have the droids help her but Luke put her hand on her shoulder and shook his head. He was hoping that Ben could break through to her. He hated that Rey had turned all of the violence in on herself rather than hurting others but he didn’t know if that was a sign that she was fighting the darkness. He could only hope. But he wouldn’t go against Ben, and had just begun to wonder if the sith wasn’t the one torturing her, rather than her saying that her hands hurt or burned. 

“So. The plan?” Ben said wearily. 

“I say that we get off planet and blow some stuff up,” Han said, sliding down the wall. Ben winced when he heard him. His voice cracking and hoarse, and Ben couldn’t help but feel guilty for that too. If he’d caught up with Rey sooner, she wouldn’t be burned and she wouldn’t have choked his dad. Or maybe if he’d given in some to her advances but not let it turn into sex? Or if he would have had more control of his own mind and hadn’t ciphered her light. 

“Blowing stuff up and stealing things isn’t the only way to accomplish goals, Han.” Leia looked just as tired as everyone else but she kept most of the bite out of her tone. 

Luke gave a dry chuckle. “Well, to be fair, that was the meat of our plan. Blow up some trees and such to distract them and then Ben and I go in and steal the artifacts.”

“Do we go now though?” Leia asked. 

“And if we do, what about Rey?” Ben said, stroking the hair out of her face. 

“Let’s give it until this evening. Maybe we can lighten the sedation again, and see what she’s like. Ideally, we would want her full strength. She had a good point about the Aki Aki being likely to come more willingly if there was someone injured. But it would also require someone with her at all times to make sure she doesn’t wake up,” Luke said. He scratched his eyebrow and turned to assess Ben “Would you be able to focus on what we’d be doing if Rey was there but unconscious? These traps could be life or death. And before you really answer, remember we don’t know much about these bonds, if you die, she very well could too.” 

Luke knew him too well, it seemed. Ben had been about to say yes, because he would do anything to save Rey, and bring her back to the light. But if he got hurt or died, he hadn’t really considered what that would do to Rey. He cleared his throat and nodded. “I am as ready as I can be. I know I need to be careful and alert for her. Besides, if it gets worse, do we really have a choice?”

Luke kept his eyes on his nephew for a few long moments before nodding. “I suppose not. She’s dangerous. To herself, but everyone around her. She’s powerful but untrained. That could end horribly. And the reverse is true, if she dies, what will happen to you?”

Ben didn’t speak it but his mind went to a dark place.  _ I wouldn’t want to live without her. _ He busied himself by getting her hands back into the bowls of bacta, unable to meet the eye of his family. “Hey,” he said as an afterthought as they were leaving. “Did you ever get in touch with Shara and Poe?”

“No,” Leia said. She turned from the door and walked back over to Ben and Rey. “But I can try again. They would be a big help, actually. I could stay with Rey and they could help with the distraction phase. Besides we would have even more issues if we had to extract you guys with such a small crew on the Falcon.” She put her hand on Ben’s shoulders and squeezed. Then quietly to him “Try to get some sleep. You need to be full strength.”

Ben nodded, and couldn’t help but agree with her. He felt so run down, achy and tired down to the bone. He needed to keep feeding light and positivity, most of all strength to her whenever it may be able to bleed into the bond. He eyes the awkward position Rey had to be in to keep her hands in the bacta pools and tried to figure out how to sleep while keeping contact with her. He finally propped her up with a pillow, and snuggled into her stomach. He was slightly under the table that held the bacta, but he had enough clearance. 

He threw an arm over her and fell asleep taking in her scent, and mentally stroking their bond. 


	39. Breaking Ben’s heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** Content warning: Violence and minor self harm similar to canon ***
> 
> ** Last time on WO: Rey wakes in severe pain and Ben’s heart is breaking. They make tough decisions about how to proceed. They are still unsure but want to see how Rey is the next time she is off sedation. They are also trying to get in touch with the Damerons for some back up. **

Ben woke up and couldn't breathe. Between gulps for air, he vaguely felt like his arm was being ripped from his body. He tried to sit up but he wasn’t able to move. It felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest, protesting the lack of oxygen. There was a popping noise and his arm felt like it was on fire. His eyes searched for anything to help him. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he also remembered the conversation from the night before. Well, he thought it was. In reality it could have been minutes or hours. Once he'd curled into Rey, he fell asleep quickly. The exhaustion and stress had caught up with him, and it may have been the weakness that killed him, and possibly in turn the love of his life. Who was the one currently physically choking him and doing something horrible to his arm. With black spots dancing in his vision he glanced around again. The droids were smashed against the wall, and he couldn’t feel any signs of life in the immediate area. He didn’t know if it was just empty or if she’d killed them. He didn’t have time to focus on that though. 

Rey had finally let go of his arm, and had her hand raised, focused intently on something. Sweat beaded on her forehead and the outstretched hand was shaking. Ben wanted to use her momentary distraction to get out of this. He tried to move his left arm, since he thought he could get more leverage since it was opposite the way she had his head locked. His arm wouldn’t move though. He was getting desperate and it went against every instinct, but he used his good hand to reach up and grab her burned one. He twisted as he dug his fingers into the flesh that was far from healed. She released him just a little as she hissed in pain, but that was the opening he needed. He took a deep breath and continued the twisting of her hand until he had space to roll out of her reach. His left arm hung virtually dead weight, but the rest of him was strong now that he could take normal breaths again. 

She growled and dropped the hand that was trying to summon something. He guessed she was after a lightsaber again. That was one thing in Ben’s favor--the med wing didn’t have a surplus of weapons. He reached out and tried to reach out for Luke or Leia, but he had no way to know if they heard his mental plea because Rey had gotten up from the bed and was advancing on him. In a lightning quick move, she rushed him and tried to kick his ankles out from under him. He jumped and used that momentum to get in her space and try to get hold of her so she couldn't keep moving. She elbowed him full force in the stomach and when he stumbled back, once again gasping for air, she backed up and sized him up. She faked right but then slammed into his hurt shoulder, sending a jolt of lightning down his arm. She flicked her wrist and Ben found himself pinned against the wall, immobile. 

She lifted her hand again, strain evident on her face. Ben grabbed the bond and searched. He tried to force so much calm in the bond that if it would have gone through she would have slept for a week. The wall was as strong as ever, darkness spiraling out, trying to reach out and latch on to his signature. He pushed away the threads and threw up a shield. He gave up on the bond, and felt around her mind, trying to find whatever it was that Leia affected in order to put her under, but he wasn’t sure what he was doing. They had never taught him that trick and while he could understand their hesitation it was costing him now. 

“Get out! Get OUT!” Rey shrieked, and Ben wondered if he had found something. He ran back over the place he’d been mentally poking at and Rey jerked. “Don’t. He’ll punish me,” she said, pleading with him. Ben hesitated and she used that. She waved her hand and Ben ducked just in time. She’d thrown a chair at him. He stared at her. Rey’s eyes were wide, pupils so dark they looked blown. Her legs were shaking but she reinforced her hold on him, pinning him once again to the wall. Ben felt the force barrier, looking for any weakness. There was none to be found, so he went back to trying to get into her head. He felt sick as he pushed against the virtual place on her brain and that was effective at distracting her. He wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, so he chanted ‘sleep’ under his breath but nothing seemed to happen. Since he’d often found the force listened to him better when he was physical about it he concentrated on his hands moving and pushing the force at her mind.  _ I’m sorry Rey. I love you.  _ He thought as he redoubled his efforts. 

“No!! Master says it’s a trick. You want my power. I know you do. You don’t love me, no one can love me.” She muttered, but Ben heard every word. 

“Rey! It’s me. You know how I feel, push away the darkness and…” Ben couldn’t finish because it felt like his brain was being cracked open, waves of agony coarsed over him. His eyes were wild and when they finally met Rey’s he knew that this was costing her as well. He gave a push as hard as he could, directing the force out and away. It was like a sonic boom of power, and it left a hole in the wall, leaving sunlight streaming through. 

Rey slumped to the ground and it took every ounce of willpower Ben had to stay on his feet. He tried again to put her to sleep when she lifted off the ground, mouth contorted in a silent scream. Ben wasn't sure if he was causing her agony or the sith, but he stopped pushing the power into her and she dropped back down and didn’t move. He ran over to her, deathly afraid that she wouldn’t be breathing. But he saw the rise and fall of her chest, and slumped down in relief. He was prematurely confident that he had figured it out, but in the next moment, he was caught up in swirling current of air. He was lifted off the floor, and the winds kept him from moving much at all. There was a deafening roar in his ears, and he could only make out a blurry image of Rey and the rest of their surroundings. She advanced on him and the maelstrom didn’t seem to affect her at all. 

She kept at it until their faces were inches apart. “Rey. Please,” he begged, hoping that his voice would carry over the chaos of the whirlwind all around them. She met his eyes, and the laugh she gave was otherworldly. Chills ran down his arms and he was grateful that if he was going to die, he would be looking at her. She raised her hands and blue crackles formed on her palms. The first bolt struck him with no warning. It felt like his mind and body were being torn apart, tingling and tearing through every fiber of his being. Ben tried to block out the pain, the noise, the sense of betrayal, he reached for that quiet place that he’d been trained for years to find. Where he was one with the force, and gathered his power. 

He’d read about an ability called force light and it could drain darkness from a person or object. Luke had mentioned that he was trying to learn it for the sith temple, as a way that could destroy the artifacts. But Luke wasn’t sure he was powerful enough, which surely meant that Ben wasn’t. But nothing was more important to him than Rey, so he tried. He flung up his good arm, trying to deflect the force lightning she was pouring into him. The agony stopped for a blessed few moments, and Ben tried to push all the light he could into the crack he’d found when he was trying to put her to sleep. 

For a moment nothing happened and it felt like everything was on pause. The lighting stopped mid bolt, the wind quit rotating around him, and there was a connection. His wave of light met with the dark that she was channeling into her attacks. He pushed at it as hard as he could, but so did she. The connection shook and minutely shifted from one side to the other before it grew unstable and exploded. It knocked Ben and Rey from their feet and clear across the room. Everything glass had shattered and it looked vaguely like a newly fallen snow. 

Ben heard a ringing in his ears and he slowly pushed himself to his feet. He scanned the room and saw Rey doing the same. He was dazed, and the pain he’d been pushing down was begging to be felt, and acknowledged. Rey grabbed a shard of glass and scraped her already damaged hands, a technique Ben knew that would help to hone the focus of the dark. Pain fueled dark, and helped to master it. Tears leaked from his eyes, and he tried to push healing and the force light at her again, but he was exhausted and couldn’t summon what he needed. Healing had never been his strong suit even though he had gotten better since Rey had come back to the academy. He doubted that what he’d summoned earlier had been a true force light but it had been something and it combated what she’d pushed into him. So maybe if he could just…

He heard a frantic beating on the door, and he sensed his family on the other side. Rey had erected a thick barrier around the door and at some point, Ben wasn’t sure when exactly, half of the furniture had been thrown that way. He used some of the power he had left to move the debris and force the door open. In the second that he turned his attention from Rey, she had propelled herself in the air and was just about to stab his side with a shard of wood she’d found from a side table that was in pieces. 

Luke blasted the wood from her hands before it could fully pierce his side, and Leia must have caused her to be unconscious again because she dropped on him, completely dead weight causing the air to be knocked out of him once again. Ben coughed and turned Rey over as gently as he could, so he could sit up. It looked like a verifiable tornado had ripped through the room. Glass, wood, and metal from the droids was everywhere. It crunched under Luke and Leia’s feet as they came to assess Ben and Rey. Han stood back, too shocked to really respond or do anything useful. 

Leia eyed Ben and stifled a sob. She never got used to seeing her son injured and in pain. Ben’s throat was already purple, distinct hand prints wrapped around as far as she could see, disappearing under his hair. His face was bloody, but it seemed to be mostly from a number of small cuts, probably from the glass. His left arm hung from his shoulder at an angle that made her want to vomit. His robes were torn at his side and luckily Luke had stopped it in time otherwise it may have punched through one of his organs. If he had more injuries they were hidden from her and she didn’t know if she should be concerned or grateful. 

She turned and looked at Rey, and had to force down feelings of misplaced hate towards the girl. She couldn’t help but think that Ben had always managed to pull himself back before the dark took him this far, but she knew that she wasn’t being fair. The only major injury to Rey seemed to be once again to her hands. She too had the same cuts on her face and arms from the glass but nothing else was evident. Leia was sure that both her and Ben had more mental damage than physical from their battle, but there wasn’t much besides time that could help that. 

At some point Han came back with a doctor and droids in tow. They got both Rey and Ben onto stretchers and wheeled them out of the room. Leia went to walk by Ben and her heart hurt for him. He somehow looked small, drawn into himself, blood all over him. His face was devastated and his eyes followed Rey. He protested, quite loudly, when they were going to put them in different rooms and Luke said something and the doctor nodded, and waved them into one room. 

Droids hovered around both of them, cleaning wounds and applying bacta patches and salves. When Luke tried to go to Ben for healing first, he huffed and raised his hand to stop him. “Rey first,” he instructed. His voice was hoarse and graveley, much like Han’s and again, Leia had to take a deep breath and push away resentment for this girl who had tried to kill both of the men in her life in as many days. 

“She probably… Well, it probably won’t take. Though it doesn't make sense since Leia can make her sleep,” Luke began saying, but stopped mid sentence at the look on Ben’s face. “Okay, okay.” 

Luke stepped around the droids fussing over her raw and bloodied hands. They were so bad if you weren’t able to see fingers, it would probably be unrecognizable as a limb. They were debriding the wounds, pulling out so much glass and wood it almost turned his stomach. It looked like the glass had been ground into her hand, and for all Luke knew, it had been. He lightly touched her temples and focused. He still felt the cloying darkness that coated everything that he could see or probe. When he pushed healing into her, it bounced back towards him, but this time it wasn’t pure light, it was tainted and he had to think fast and bat it away before it hit him. 

He shook his head at his nephew and went back to his side. “I’m sorry, Ben. Do you... Do you want to talk about it?” He asked quietly. 

“No,” he answered flatly. He barely moved, and didn’t take his eyes from Rey as Luke placed his hands first on his throat, which still felt like he was swallowing glass, but it slowly faded until it was easy enough to push down and ignore. He felt the healing wash over his side, then Luke did something to his arm that made him want to punch him or puke. Or both. But it felt a lot better immediately, so Ben was quick to forgive. It was still sore, but he could feel the blood flowing through it normally again, and it was such a thing to take for granted. “Thanks,” he muttered. He could barely keep his eyes open but he fought it, wanting to keep his eyes on Rey to make sure she was okay. He was also wary that she would wake up again, she had fought physical and mental barriers that should have kept her under for days. 

He knew that they needed to act soon, but his thoughts were dim and everything felt dreamlike. Fuzzy and far away. He stared at Rey and relentlessly pushed calm, healing, love and light into the bond. But nothing changed and finally sleep dragged him under. 


	40. Saber time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Last time on WO: Rey and Ben battled each other, and got hurt along the way. Things are looking pretty bleak for our favorite space couple.**

Ben heard voices and struggled to wake up. He was warm and comfortable, and it took him a few long moments to remember the events of the day before. He sat up and his head smashed into something hard and he was all the sudden covered in a sticky substance. His throat still hurt quite a bit but his arm was only a little achy. 

He’d still been under the table that held the pools of bacta Rey’s hands were submerged in. He arranged her hands gently in the liquid still in the bowls and looked her over. He felt sick when he focused too much on her hands, but the patches had healed her face. It looked just like she was sleeping naturally and he wished that her eyes would open and she would pull his face to hers and kiss him. But she didn’t move, except for the rise and fall of her chest. 

“We need to go Luke,” he whispered, his voice seemingly unable to speak any louder. “I thought that after she woke up the first time we had a chance of getting her back, but then… Well, she could have killed me or I could have hurt her worse than I did. I couldn’t bring myself to attack her full out. I was mostly just defending myself and trying to disarm her. I couldn’t figure out how to make her sleep. But the sedatives and Mom’s sleeping trick are only doing so much. The darkness is making her too strong. I just want her back.” 

“Your mom got in touch with Shara and Poe, they are going to meet us on Onderon in two standard days, which is about when I expect we’ll arrive. We need to get stocks of meds, and Chewie is looking over the Falcon now, making some preemptive damage that will be easy enough to fix, so we don't have to actually crash that hard. We can say that Rey was our mechanic but she is unconscious so can’t make the repairs we need. Is your lightsaber almost done?”

“Yes, I think that I can finish assembly on the way. But you can help me if I’m having trouble? I wouldn’t ask and I want to do it on my own, but it's a special circumstance.”

Luke nodded. “Meet you there in an hour?” 

“Yeah. Mom can you stay with her? I need to go get my saber materials. I’ll be back to carry her out.” 

“I can get a droid to wheel her out. You need to rest and heal as much as you can. We’ll get her situated and get her meds,” Leia said.

Ben wanted to argue, but once again, Leia had a point so he agreed. He felt bad letting someone else take care of Rey, but he also knew that his mom cared about her too. She was also the one with the most practice keeping her under. Ben hated to see her like that, Rey was so full of life and light normally. He kissed her forehead and left before he changed his mind. He walked to his room in a daze, knowing that he would have to get himself under control before they got to Onderon. So much was at stake and there was no room for mistakes. They didn’t have a backup plan for releasing the hold the sith had over them, and he worried that it would take too long if they failed at this mission to figure out another way. 

He gathered up his materials for his saber, and got some clothes for him and Rey. He hoped that they would be in and out pretty quickly, but you never knew if a plan would go sideways. They all wanted to only distract the Aki Aki, to avoid death at all costs. There were a lot of them and they had devoted their lives to protecting these types of artifacts at the temple. He had half a mind to just go to them and beg, but he didn’t really think that would work. And if not, then everything else they were planning would be for nothing. He found himself staring blankly at the wall, and tried to shake himself out of it. He tried again to send healing to Rey but it felt like as futile an exercise as banging his head against the wall. He swallowed hard, forgetting for a minute that his throat wasn’t right. He had avoided looking in the mirror. He knew that despite Luke’s healing that it looked gruesome. His mom flinched, probably unaware, when she looked at him. She always tried to hide her emotional pain whenever he was injured. Leia was just more used to Ben’s damage being self inflicted. So to see Rey’s small handprints around his neck must be a shock. Ben had never injured himself there before either, so it had even more impact than something she’d seen before. He finally pushed himself to his feet, and set off to meet everyone at the Falcon. 

Everyone was bleak when they got settled on the Falcon. Han and Chewie were in the cockpit, getting the ignition sequence ready and coordinates entered. Luke and Leia sat together at the table, looking over some Jedi texts. Ben settled Rey in his parent’s quarters with a med droid hovering in the corner. Ben sat on the foot of the bed, surrounded by saber parts. Ben had been working on meditating with his crystal for months now, and he felt like it was almost complete. He was terrified that he would construct it and it would be red. He always tried to be calm, thinking about Rey, and the balance of the force. But with the sith being in his head for so long, he didn’t know if that would cause it to be a reflection of the darkness within him. But there was no time to keep being afraid. If it was red, then it would still work and he would need a saber going into the temple, regardless of color. 

His first priority before spending a lot of time with the meditation was to make sure that the emitter matrix was complete because the last thing he needed was for it to explode the first time he used it in combat. He resisted the urge to just have Luke look at it, instead he looked over his notes from the texts and made sure that they looked the same. 

Rey could tell him. 

He also knew that hers would already be finished if she had any interest in making one. Luke had offered a crystal for her to use. Usually padawans went on journeys to find their own, but with Rey’s health issues, that wasn’t feasible. Rey would never tell him if she just wanted to find her own, if she wasn’t ready because of her lack of official training or if she still didn’t feel like she belonged at the academy, striving to be a Jedi. Ben tried not to pressure her about it. Though he really wanted to know if she was going to stay when they were able to take care of breaking the sith’s hold over them. He would follow her anywhere, if she would have him. But she never would open up to him about her plans, and he always tried to hide that pain from her. 

They had no luck at locating her parents so far, and he was inclined to think that the memory where they had died was the most accurate. Because if she wanted to go back to Jakku to wait, he thought that lifestyle might smother them both. He wanted more for her, and while he would love her no matter what, he also doubted that she would let him follow her if that was the path she took. 

He cleared his mind, and focused again on the parts in front of him. He tinkered for a few hours, and he knew that it was complete besides the crystal. And his doubts about the matrix. But he’d compared his work to the drawing so many times it had started to look like a foreign language and he was sure that he was overthinking it. But it was something physical that he could do, instead of mediation and trying to focus his mind and pour himself and the essence of his force into the crystal. If he was being truthful he was also terrified that if he interacted with the force again while meditating that he would draw on the bond again and he would mess things up even more than they already were. 

He’d been so intent that he hadn’t really been paying much attention to time. His stomach growled and when he got up his back and arm ached from the position he’d been in, alternately watching Rey and working on his saber. He gave her a glance and her breathing was still shallow like she was deep under. The droid had given her meds not that long ago, Ben knew, even with his skewed sense of time. 

He went out into the main hold and they were all huddled around the Dejarik table. Chewie was winning, like he always does. He would get defensive, but everyone knew that he cheated. They had never caught him, but the amount of times he kicked ass at the game suggested it wasn’t all skill. Leia turned and smiled at him. “She’s been calm, I haven’t had to send as much calm to keep her under, but the med droid is also doing its job, if a bit too well.” 

Ben returned her smile and picked up a ration bar and flopped down at the table, surveying the game. If Han could manage to outmaneuver Chewie for a few turns, he had a chance to win. Not likely, but a chance. 

“Do you want my spot?” Leia offered, but Ben scoffed. She was the worst of the bunch. Sabbac, on the other hand, she could run you to the ground. Which is probably why Chewie didn’t want to play that often with her. He was a sore loser. 

“Any luck in there?” Luke asked.

“Yeah. The matrix is still giving me an issue, but I am pretty sure it's right and I am just overthinking it. I need to do some more mediation on my crystal and then I can power it up and see what happens.”

“I’m sure that you might be overthinking the crystal as well. You’ve been fretting for quite a long time and you’re not giving yourself enough credit.”

Ben blushed at the compliment. He used to resent that Luke didn’t give him as much praise and attention as the other padawans, but he also recognized that Luke was trying to be fair with their family connection and it was a hard balance. “Maybe,” he whispered noncommittally. “I’m going to take a shower. Mom, you’ve got Rey?” 

“Of course. I’ll go check on her now,” Leia said. 

Ben couldn’t help but ask. He knew that his mom was diligent with Rey, not only to protect her but the whole family. He sighed as he got in the shower. The hot water felt good on his bruised and taxed body and he just stood there for a while. He finally washed his hair and body and found some of the clothes he’d packed. 

His hair was still dripping when he went in to join his mom and Rey. Leia had Rey on her side and was doing something to her hair. Leia didn’t look very comfortable the way she was contorted, but she has a smile on her face, so Ben didn’t comment. Ben often wondered if Leia ever wished for a daughter to share this kind of thing with. 

However that line of thinking would snowball into other thoughts. He also didn’t know if they avoided having another child because he was so troubled as a kid. Being critical about it rather than emotional, he figured that he was unexpected and they never tried again because of their lifestyles. He tried to dismiss, especially lately, the nagging sensation that they would have done anything to have another child, anyone to replace him, but anytime he mentioned something like that to Rey, she pointed out that it was the sith trying to isolate him. Ben had no proof otherwise. Leia and Han loved him the best they could and he was always well taken care of. 

Ben sat back at the edge of the bed and picked up his crystal. He’d moved the rest to the side table before he left to get food. He took a deep breath and stared at it, determined. 

“Do you want to be alone?” Leia asked softly. “I can stay with her, or I can go back out.” 

Ben considered, biting on his lower lip. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be alone, especially with how his last mediation went. “Will you stay?” he asked. “And Mom? If anything feels… off. Or if I hurt Rey… Put me under, please?”

Leia met Ben’s eyes and hesitated. “Of course,” she finally said. She hated to do that to anyone, much less her son, but things couldn’t go wrong if the dark influenced him as well. They both might be compromised. 

Leia was quiet as Ben crossed his legs, clutching the crystal in one hand. She tried to do anything but stare at him, because she didn’t want to distract him. But it wasn’t often that she got to see him with his guard down. He still looked tense and withdrawn, but some of the worry and strain melted away. She tried to find and compare his nose, his ears, fingers and the shape of his mouth to the little boy that clung to her and Han and wanted to do everything with them. He had grown so much and had been through more than his fair share of troubles in his short life. But he was strong, he had so much love to give, and she could see how he was towards Rey. Leia was so grateful they had found one another, current circumstances aside. Rey understood him and accepted every part of him without condition. She saw the gentle but moody and ever the kind hearted boy that Leia so treasured. Rey brought out the light in him, and it gave Leia a sense of peace that she didn’t feel often from him. More than she would like to admit, she lay in bed and worried if the dark would overcome her son, either mentally or physically like it almost had the year before. It still haunted her that day when she walked in to see him so pale in pools of his own blood, flowing from the wrists he’d cut, the blade still dangling from his fingertips. she shivered and pushed away those thoughts, just glad that he was alive, and that she'd found him when she did.

Now, he sat perfectly still, no emotions crossing his face, but Leia monitored both her son and Rey constantly. Looking for any disturbance or fluctuation in the force. Either that Ben was answering the dark, or what Leia felt as Rey would begin to come to awareness. It must have been hours, and the constant use of the force was not something Leia was accustomed to. The strain was getting to her and she was just about to call for Luke when Ben’s eyes opened. 

“I think I’m ready,'' he said. With no further preamble, he stood up, fit his crystal into the hilt of the saber and powered it on. 

It lit up and it's blue glow imminated throughout the room, reflecting from Ben’s eyes and illuminating his proud smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Silly author’s note: When I named the chapter I almost couldn’t resist thinking: Stop. Saber time. Can’t touch this…
> 
> Anyone else?** 


	41.  Onderon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Last time on WO: They finally set off to Onderon, planning to meet up with the Damerons. Ben finally completes his lightsaber and it’s blue (he’s the only one who doubted)**

“Okay. Are we ready for this?” Luke asked. Everyone nodded, with Shara and Poe giving an affirmative from their com link. Ben was pacing, his hand unconsciously touching his saber every few steps. Han was checking their munitions, a smile on his face. Though he was concerned for the success of the mission, flying and diversions were what he knew. Especially diversions where you blew things up. Leia sat with Rey, stroking her hair and although she had wished for a more active role in the plan, she knew that she was playing an important role--being there for Rey. 

“Chewie, ready to drop us off?” Luke asked, shouldering a bag with some explosives. They were going to use them as well as their lightsabers to cause as much trouble as possible. They needed to distract the Aki Aki so they could get into the temple undetected. Ben gave Rey a kiss on the forehead, and trailed his hand down her arm. He had to fix this for her. He took a deep breath, pushing down all the emotions he felt and letting his mind become laser focused. He then took another bag and joined Luke at the ramp. Chewie roared a ‘good luck’ and then ‘now’ when he got down as low as he could without crashing the Falcon for real, and not in the spot they planned. 

Ben and Luke jumped down, using the force to slow their fall, and land fairly softly. They both grunted and took a second to catch their breaths. They were going to wait until they got the signal on their com links that Han and Chewie had a group going to “help” with the Falcon and with Rey. Ben sat on the forest floor, and calmed his mind to meditate. This was the last chance to practice getting the force to help him detect illusions, and he’d made Luke promise to snap him out of it however necessary if he felt any signs of Ben losing control. Ben tightened the shield between him and Rey, and reached out to the Force. 

It wasn’t long before they reached their soon to be crash site and Han gave the warning and Leia braced herself as she felt the Falcon taking a dive. She kept one hand and a trace of the force to steady Rey. They bumped hard three times and skidded before sliding to a stop. Chewie roared to check they were okay. “We’re good!” Leia called to him. “Do what you need to do.” 

Rey hadn’t flinched and Leia sighed in relief that she hadn’t even moved during the crash landing. She checked her over for any new injuries just in case and then changed her bacta patches on her hands. They only looked marginally better than the day before, and she hoped that the artifact worked and Luke could heal them before permanent damage was done. This was when the feeling of uselessness set in more. She could hear Han and Chewie banging around outside the ship, no doubt making it look worse than it had been. Han stuck his head in their quarters and gave Leia a wink. “Let’s do this. We will be back soon.” Leia nodded and sat back to wait. 

Han and Chewie got themselves oriented and took off towards the temple. They walked in silence but that was nothing new for the two of them. They’d been friends for so long, been on so many smuggling runs and well as missions for Leia that often a single look could convey what they needed to.

They sped up significantly as the temple came into view, it wouldn’t do to approach without a sense of urgency. A crash wasn’t something that happened every day and if one of their crew were unconscious that would only fuel their need to get help. 

“Please!” Han yelled once they were in hearing range to the guards. “We crashed…” he put his hands on his knees, huffing. Han fleetingly thought to himself  _ kriff, I’m getting old, none of this part is a show.  _ “One of my crew is injured, please help us!”

Chewie gave a loud agreement even though it was unlikely that they understood him. 

Two of the Aki Aki exchanged a look. They must be the ones in charge, Han thought. “How bad?” one of them asked. 

“Our mechanic, she is out, we can’t wake her, and her hands… They are terrible,” Han answered. 

“Which way?” the same one inquired. One of the leaders nodded and motioned a group of ten or so and walked over to gather a med kit nearby. It was a step up from what was normally carried on a ship like the Falcon, so that was a twist of luck in their favor. 

When Han pointed in the opposite direction of their camp, the leader frowned. “Squad A, all of you go with H’mil,” he instructed. “We’ll get you some help, the best we can offer.” 

Han and Chewie led the group away towards the Falcon, and when they were almost there, he pressed the com link three times-- the beep to let everyone know they had drawn as many away as they could. 

Ben was pulled out of his trance with a beep in his ear from the com link. He’d had no luck. He tried not to get discouraged and hoped that when the time came, he could pull it off if necessary. But now it was time to get the plan going so he didn’t have the time to put any thought into it. He heard the low rumble of a Firespray-31 and he smiled. Poe and Shara were here and about to cause all kinds of trouble from the air. He wouldn’t have trusted many other pilots with this job. 

Ben nodded and pointed to the left. He walked away from Luke and jogged about a half mile away from Luke. He waited about thirty seconds and set his explosives down, backing up to a safe distance before force blasting a lit branch to set them off. He took off, felling trees with his saber as he ran to meet Luke at their next rendezvous spot. He heard a bang, knowing that Luke had set his own off, so Ben slowed down a bit. 

They met up and crouched behind a cluster of trees that provided decent cover. Luckily things seemed to be going pretty smoothly and he saw two groups of around fifteen each making their way to check out the commotions. Once they passed Luke and Ben crept closer to the temple. The larger remains came closer into view and they could hear various explosions all around. Groups of Aki Aki were breaking off from patrols, carrying stunning weapons, powerful ones at that and Ben definitely wouldn’t want to face a group of them. Luke and Ben searched as quietly as they could, Luke was certain that the wayfinder holocron would be hidden in the wreckage of the larger temple. However, they would not have long to search before they needed to break through patrol and make their way into the other section of the temple that the artifacts would be located in--they hoped. Ben used the force to try to detect any sort of cloaking or disturbance that wasn’t typical of the darkness he felt from the rest of the remains. Precious minutes ticked by before Luke made a low whistle and pointed to their ultimate destination. 

Ben gave a five beep transmission to let them know the next step was ready to be deployed. An explosion rocked out to the east, the opposite direction of where they’d set off their munitions. There was a buzz among the group of Aki Aki nearest them and more people took off in the direction of the lastest explosion. Ben and Luke waited a bit more and then when yet another crash and rumble emitted, they guards that were already spread thin, got the order to go. They grabbed their gear including the nasty stun guns, and set off. This was the opening that Ben and Luke needed. In the chaos and when the guards were the thinnest they would probably get, even if more damage was done all round them, more guards would return when they discovered there was no-one around the explosions and that it was just diversions. 

They made it almost to the entrance, when they heard a guard behind them. They turned at the same time but were almost too late to stop the blast that would render one of them useless. Ben used his saber to deflect the blast, wincing as it reversed and struck the guard. He didn’t think that it was set to kill, because that didn’t seem in line with their beliefs about life. He spared a second to glance at the guard and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the gentle rise and fall of it’s chest. They hurried towards the door, and used the force to barricade the door. They could only hope that it would hold until they were either deep enough into the temple and the protections that they could get what they needed. 

Ben glanced at Luke who gestured for them to go deeper into the temple. 

The thing that Ben most wanted and feared at the same time. 

**AN: forgive my lack of spacecraft and/or explosives knowledge if anything I described isn’t possible.**


	42. Wayfinding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Last time on WO: Luke and Ben made it in with only minor difficulties. But that was the easy part. **

“So, how does that thing work?” Ben asked. He eyed his surroundings warily. It was dark and creepy. There were crumbling statues besides the intact, and the force permeated everything. It was the dark side, and Ben wanted to turn and run. Or embrace it. But he tried to shove that down. 

“I’m not sure, they are all different,” Luke mumbled. He was turning it over in his hands, looking for something. A clue, a keyhole, an “on” switch, Ben did not know. 

Ben lit his saber and used it to better examine his surroundings. There were a series of doors, and he hated to think what might happen if they picked the wrong one. There was some sort of inscription between two of them and he went to step closer but heard a click. He looked around frantically. The hair on his arms stood up and he was frozen, not sure what to do. “Luke?” He began, but he only had a second’s warning before a volley of arrows came flying at him. He batted them away with the force, careful to aim them away from his uncle who was frozen in place, not even blinking. He heard a whoosh coming from behind him and he twirled around and dodged an axe swinging from a nearby pillar. Another came at him at knee level and he pushed off with the force to clear it, then another at chest level--it would have chopped off the head of anyone shorter-- and he dropped to the ground, rolling under it and coming up on his knees. He listened carefully but there didn’t seem to be any sign of other weapons trying to kill him. It was such a charming place and they hadn’t even made their way out of the entryway. 

He glanced over at Luke and noticed that he still wasn’t moving. Ben surveyed the floor, not wanting to set off any more pressure plate traps. He didn’t see any more but approached carefully regardless. He went to shake Luke but a force field surrounded him, zapping Ben when he came into contact with it. He tried to poke at it with his saber, but that didn’t seem to make any difference. He closed his eyes and tried to sense how the force was being used in the room. There was a lot of latent energy and he wanted to leave that alone, afraid of what it may trigger if he were to awaken it. There was a sort of buzzing that felt similar to the force field coming from four square pieces of rock, all equidistance around the room. He examined each one and there were strange markings. Two sides of each one had identical markings but facing different directions, and the other two sides of the squares had differing symbols. Ben looked around to see if he could match any of the symbols, letters maybe in a language he didn’t recognize, to anything else in the room. 

He crept back over to the door, remembering that he had seen one of the symbols on the plate between the two doors. He deliberately stepped around the pressure plate, not wanting any more nasty surprises. It matched a symbol on one of the squares, but there were markings under it, obviously writing of some sort, but he had to use instinct and the symbols because he couldn’t read it. He went back to the pieces of stone and faced the symbol towards the plaque between the doors, with the matching symbol facing in. He walked around the room and found another inscription with yet another symbol, a sort of half circle with squiggles, and he matched that set as well. But he didn’t see any more matches when he surveyed the rest of the room. Ben sat with the remaining two stones, trying to figure out their secrets, when he felt an indentation under his thigh. He stood and brushed off the dust and grime to reveal a triangle that wasn't quite connected on one set of angles. He matched those two and surveyed the floor and then the ceiling. Bingo! He lined up a squiggly square and heard a click. Clicking hadn’t been good so far, so he raised his saber. He didn’t feel anything, hear anything, but the force field still buzzed around Luke. He examined the stones again, still stretching out his senses. He turned them while still keeping them lined up with their twin and suddenly the room was quiet. 

“Ben! Watch out,” Luke called suddenly. Then he lowered his saber and blinked slowly. Ben had ducked not knowing that Luke sensed, but Luke’s eyebrows furrowed. “You were there, how did you get here?”

“There was a mysterious force field but I solved it. You’re good,” Ben said. He would explain later but he wanted out of this room. “Did you figure anything out with the wayfinder?” 

Luke shook his head, and held it up again. He tapped his lightsaber against it and Ben chuckled. That had been his first reaction to the force field. The two were more alike than Ben wanted to acknowledge sometimes. Or maybe that is just what force users do. But Luke had more success with his attempt. The wayfinder lit up briefly, casting shadows around the room. 

“Stand here and keep your lightsaber in contact with it,” Luke instructed, handing off the wayfinder. Luke looked around the room, following some of the shadows and learning from Ben by stepping lightly. “Here,” he said, pointing at one of the doors, the second from the left. Ben nodded and followed his uncle. 

They opened the door cautiously and saw another room. This one was brighter, but the darkness was more pressing, making Ben’s skin crawl. It was cleaner though and Ben looked for any crevices that hidden weapons might decide to come from and try to kill them. The floor was smooth, so he didn’t have to fear triggering a plate. “What do we do in here?” Ben finally asked. 

Luke was studying the holocron again and glancing around the room. “I’m not sure,” he mumbled. 

“There,” Ben said. “The ridges near the ceiling. Could that mean something?”

“Maybe,” Luke answered. He tried to tap it with his saber, but nothing happened. 

“Can I see?” Ben asked, acting on a hunch. Luke handed it over, and Ben felt along the edges of the holocron. The puzzle in the previous room gave him an idea. He held them up to the ridges, and moved the wayfinder around the room until he found a match. He walked straight forward and felt along the wall and floor, but he didn’t feel any sort of mechanism to unlock a door. Ben shrugged and handed it back to Luke. With no immediate danger, and no ideas forthcoming, he tried to check the bond between him and Rey. Anger surged in him when he felt the impenetrable shield. It felt like it was boiling his insides, and he raised his saber and thrashed at the smooth wall in front of him. His saber locked into the wall, and it felt like Ben was holding a live wire. Pulses went through him and it was agonizing, but he couldn’t let go. 

Ben vaguely registered Luke running to his side and jerking him backwards, but Ben and his saber were stuck in the wall. 

“What happened?” Luke asked, still pulling on him. 

“The bond was blocked and I felt so mad…” Ben said through uneven breaths. The waves of pain didn’t stop and it was hard to think straight. “I hit the wall…. Now I’m stuck.” 

Luke touched the wall all around where Ben’s saber was impaled, and he stepped back. He ignited his own saber and drove it into the wall directly beside Ben’s. The anger faded along with the pain, and the next thing he knew, he was free falling. He didn’t have time to really prepare himself for landing, so he fell hard, his wrist taking most of his weight. It bruised and swelled right away, but Ben’s couldn’t really spare the time or energy for it. He rolled it and stood up. Luke was on the floor writhing and Ben slowly approached him. “Luke?” he said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Luke’s eyes opened but they were out of focus. Ben closed his eyes and assessed Luke, he felt more darkness in him than Ben had ever sensed, churning anger, regret and pride. Ben wondered if their emotions had switched before falling. 

But he didn’t have time to ponder it much, because he heard a rustling and shadows suddenly rushed at him. He could barely see, but he positioned himself in front of Luke and ignited his saber again. He hacked at them, but they turned to vapor and rematerialized. When they touched him, it was like being dipped into ice water. Soon shivers wracked his body and he couldn’t help but worry how Luke felt still dealing with pain, his own darkness and now swarms of shadows. 

It felt like they were wrapping around him, covering every part of his body. As more and more emerged, they started tightening ever so slightly where they were latched on. Ben felt a wave of panic, but knew that he needed to think straight. Whispers filled his mind and he tried to ignore them. They were preying on every weakness and insecurity all the while tightening again. Ben screamed and tried to find peace. He thought of Rey, her smile, the warmth of her pressed against him, her laughter, the way she trusts him, and brings out the best in him. Ben always wanted to match her pull to the light and how it filled her so much that it spilled over into others. He thought of how he’d gotten closer to his parents and Luke since Rey had been in his life, giving him perspective on what family is and the need for forgiveness because they did love him and that was really what counted most. 

As he filled his head and heart with love and as much light as he could, the shadows started to loosen their hold. They still swarmed him and a quick glance told him they also covered Luke. He focused his mind and sensed around the cavernous room. It took a bit to get past the shadows, and their overwhelming but small pulses of energy. But once he did, Ben felt a larger energy pulsing from the left corner. He honed in on it, and forced his way through the shadows, and as he got closer, they no longer felt like mist, they were getting more solid. It got harder to move, but he kept pressing forward, trying to hold on to the light side of the force and keep track of the place he felt the energy emanate from. He gathered the light and blasted it, and suddenly the shadows disappeared and the room was silent again. 

Ben ran back to Luke, who was pushing himself up to sit. “That was unpleasant,” he said dryly. Ben just stared at him, since he would describe most things since walking in this force forsaken place. “Well done, Ben, by the way. I could feel the enormity of the light you blasted at that… being? thing? Whatever it was.”

Ben blushed at the compliment and shrugged a shoulder. Ben caught a glimpse of the remains and saw something shiny. He knelt and brushed aside ashes, and found two keys. 

That could never be a good sign. 


	43. Visions aka the Torture of Ben Solo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Content warning: depictions of violence, torture, death, suicidal ideation and an attempt-- all are visions (see end notes if any of this worries you, I will give a summary)**

** Last time on WO : Ben and Luke navigate the temple and escape death, dismemberment and the dark side of the force. They find two keys and fear that the worst is yet to come. **

They went around the corner and came to a set of doors. He looked at Luke in question. 

Luke pondered for a minute. “I don’t like the idea of splitting up, so we should go together.”

Ben nodded and followed him to the door on the right. Ben didn’t feel a pull to either one and he didn’t know if Luke did or not. But it didn’t feel like the  _ wrong  _ choice, so maybe that was something. They tried the keys but the second one that Ben held was the one that worked. 

He stepped in and then it felt like his mind was exploding. He could see nothing but black. It felt like he was making a free fall, his stomach in his throat. Ben saw flashes of light, and in them he could hear voices, some were screaming in a muted way like he was underwater. In other flashes, he could see Rey and his family, all with looks of agony on their faces. Ben tried to stop the free fall because he was dangerously close to vomiting, he was on his back and couldn’t change positions so he felt like that could lead to his death in this strange state. He vaguely remembered that Luke was supposed to be with him, and he listened for voices, but when he actively tried to listen, it was deadly quiet. 

He remembered Luke testing them to see if they could understand and break out of a vision. He tried to summon the Force, but his hold on it felt slippery. He couldn't get any kind of hold on it and he began to panic. He willed his hands to move, and slowly they did, they were trembling and it felt like they were moving through molasses. Ben remembered Luke and screamed for his uncle, but his voice reverberated and came back to his ears in a roar that made them ring, further disorienting him. His free fall stopped suddenly and not a moment too soon. His throat, shoulder and wrist hurt, but he pushed himself to sitting and looked to the closest light. 

It was blurry at first, but he recognized enough to tell that it was his mom. He tried to grab her hand but he just touched the air. But then his hand went through the light, he was pulled in. It was a weird sensation, not quite painful, but almost as if he were being stretched. It continued until he was suddenly in his childhood home. His mom was sitting on the rocking chair that she spent long nights in when he was a baby. She always told him that he was so sweet and loved to be held, but that he fought sleep. Ben’s body didn’t feel right. He was used to being over six feet tall, with long arms and legs. Leia stood up and walked over to him and he realized that he was shorter than her, which he hadn’t been since he was eleven. She ruffled his hair, something that he used to hate, but now he treasured the contact, remembering the blackness, the wrongness of where he’d been. 

His vision flashed, and Leia was no longer there. His hands were covered in blood, and there was a knife on the floor. A sense of dread filled him, and he wanted to close his eyes. He needed to get out of here. Back to the temple, back to Rey, anywhere but here. But no matter how many times he opened and closed his eyes, wishing to stop seeing the living room in his old home, nothing changed. But more than anything he wanted the feeling of hot blood dripping from his hands to disappear. 

Against his will, his feet followed the splatters of blood that had fallen from his hands. He rounded the corner to the kitchen and the smell of blood was stronger. His mom lay in a heap on the floor, several gaping wounds in her stomach, generally the same size as the knife in his hand. It clattered to the floor and he ran to his mom, dropping to his knees in front of her. He tried to place pressure on the wounds, but there were too many, and too much blood. She stared up at him, eyes pleading. 

“Ben? Why? Why did you do this to me? I loved you so much, tried to give you the whole world, why didn’t you love me back. Why?” She reached up to place her hand on his face, and her hand was warm and wet from blood. It slid down his face as she closed her eyes, and stopped breathing. 

“NO!!!” he screamed. He went to pick her up in his small arms, but she disappeared. He was back in the blackness, back to his normal size. His hands were clean, but he could feel a sticky place on his cheek, and just  _ knew _ it was from where she touched him, a sliding handprint. Tears were hot on his face, and his breathing was short, erratic. His heart felt like it was pounding in his throat, trying to work it’s way out of his mouth. 

There was a flash and he saw his grandfather, his mask intact, striding towards him. “You did well, son. Your mother was weak, she was in your way, only holding you back from your destiny. She kept you in the light, and you have to kill the past. To be strong, to be like me.” Ben shook his head, it should be no surprise that Vader wouldn’t mind killing. Something about Vader complimenting him for killing his own daughter sat wrong with him. But the voice always told him that  _ this _ man is who he should be like. That he’d died before he could carry out the vision of dominating the galaxy, ruling with an iron fist. Turning it to the dark, and crushing out any who opposed them. “I see your weakness. I thought that having you kill her would be enough to crush the light. You’re nothing but a disappointment, a failure.” The next thing Ben knew, he was crashing into a wall, invisible fingers slowly wrapping around his throat. They grew tighter slowly, and Ben was struggling to breathe. Vader advanced on him, disapproval radiating from him. His airway was completely closed, and Ben’s vision was spotty. “Failure. Disappointment. Your parents wished for somebody, anybody different to be their child. Rey is going to feel the same way. You’re not good enough for her. Not powerful enough. Kill the light, kill the past, that is the only way.”

The darkness was killing him. He couldn’t breathe. Vader. Force choking. Then placing his own hands around his throat. It all crashed down on him. His cheek was still sticky, there was pain around his neck, deep and bruising. The pressure on it subsided though and he took gasps of air. They burned his lungs, trails of fire down his throat, and back up when he breathed out. These handprints were much larger than Rey’s and for some reason he was furious that Vader’s handprints were sure to have covered hers. 

Faster this time, with no time to catch his breath, it was Luke’s silhouette. His body was stretching, this time more painful, squeezing him tightly. He was young again, he could tell by his smaller body. He was curled into a ball, and he recognized his room at the academy. He was almost asleep, but heard the door open and close, and footsteps. They stopped close. Ben looked up and it was his uncle. He stood over him, lightsaber raised. Ben tried to summon the training saber on his side table, but it only trembled. Luke’s saber descended and Ben felt searing pain on first one arm and then the other. “You can’t stab anyone with no arms,” he growled. Through the haze of pain, Ben knew this comment was about his mom. His breathing picked up and he dimly wondered at the strangeness of the statement since Luke himself had lost a hand but was fine now. 

“And you can’t even leave to try it,” Luke said, waving a hand as restraints closed over what was left of Ben’s arms, bringing them behind his back. They cut deep into the skin, and had barbs which embedded themselves deep in his skin and he was pretty sure they attached to the bone. They very well did, since otherwise, Ben could eventually wiggle out. Next the same sort of restraints closed around his legs. Then a shackle closed around his neck, only agitating the bruises from Rey and Vader. 

He blinked and the darkness was there again. 

Suddenly, another light appeared, and this time it was Han’s face. The now familiar stretching took him again. He was afraid of what he would see now, but finally he opened his eyes, and was at the door to a med room. Force, he was so tired of medbays. 

He looked around for Rey, panic rising in his throat. Experience told him when he was inside a room like this, there was something wrong with Rey. He still couldn’t feel the bond, there was a steel door between their minds, but he could sense the bond was almost severed. Han was standing in front of him, blocking the way.

“Is she dying? Stars, dad, get out of the way,” he yelled in Han’s face. 

Han didn’t back down. “You don’t deserve to be in there. Your mother’s blood is still on your face. You killed her and you’re going to kill Rey. I’ve got to protect her.”

Ben wiped at his face, and a few flecks of nearly dried blood came off on his hands. He placed his hands on his throat and still felt the deep pain. He only then realized that his breathing still wasn’t quite right. He blinked confused. Leia had died? Then he remembered it was he who had killed her when he was a preteen. But how could that still be her blood? 

“Please, I’d never hurt Rey,” Ben begged, trying again to step around him. 

“Han, let him in,” Rey called out. Ben sighed in relief and pushed past his dad. She sounded weak, but he was glad that he could even hear her voice, because of the condition of the bond, he thought the worst. Her back was to him, and he took small steps towards her. It startled him when she screamed and arched her back, it felt like it lasted for hours, but it was really only minutes. The bond may have been shut down, but he could somehow feel her pain. It was like hot knives in his stomach, clenching down on his internal organs until he thought he’d surely die. He pushed through the fading pain and walked around the bed to see her. She was in a hospital gown, but there was no denying that she was hugely pregnant. Once he finally pried his eyes from her stomach, he looked up at her face. Half of the right side of her face was scarred. It was in a state of healing, but this would mark her for the rest of her life. It was from her hairline, barely missing her eye, all the way down her cheek, throat and finally stopping just above her collar bone. 

There was no other way a scar like that came from anything other than a lightsaber. “Force! Rey, what happened?” He wondered how he’d ever let her get in a battle, or close enough to a lightsaber to get a scar like that. Based on the progression of healing, it would have happened while she was pregnant. Probably visibly so. 

“Don’t you dare!” Han yelled, pushing Ben in the chest, knocking him back, almost off his feet. Ben wasn’t sure when Han had appeared there. “You monster. I would have killed you myself if Luke didn’t insist it might kill her too.” 

Ben was thoroughly confused, but his attention was split. Rey started screaming again, and her pain nearly put him on his knees. He didn’t know how she bore it. It hit him that she was having contractions. Kriff. She was having a baby. His baby?  _ Right now. _

“Where’s the doctor?” He growled. “Or at least a droid. She needs attention.”

“Ben, I’m fine. This will last a while,” Rey said. Her voice was strong, but she couldn’t quite erase the fatigue and pain she was feeling. He knew her so well, every one of her tells. Ben walked towards her bed, but she held up a hand. “That’s far enough. I’m not really sure why I agreed for you to be here.” 

Ben backed up, stunned. He wasn’t sure what was going on. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I said, what I did. But I love…”

“Shut up. You don’t get to say that. You nearly killed her, gave her that scar on her face,” Han bellowed. Somehow, he was in Ben’s face again. 

Rey screamed again, and both men backed up and shut their mouths. Ben felt the pain right with her, but put it to the back of his mind. How had he ever? He couldn’t… But she didn’t argue when Han said it was him. But she was contracting, so maybe…? Could she have not heard Han so she couldn’t contradict what she didn’t hear. 

He took in her face. She was sweaty, and her hair was braided in Leia’s favorite way, but pieces were sticking up.  _ Where  _ was  _ Leia? Oh, stars.  _ It hit him all at once. He had two different timelines in his head, and they were blurring together. It hurt his head, in fact it was beginning to feel like it would split open any moment. He could see his mom braiding Rey's hair like that when she was at the academy. But his mom’s blood was somehow on his face? Even years later? 

Confused and in pain, he shut down his end of the bond, but only after trying to take some of Rey’s pain. He couldn’t reach her at all, and it felt like half of himself was cut off, empty… No, it felt dead. Had he done that? 

Rey stopped screaming, and laid back on the pillow, her breathing uneven. She grabbed a towel from the side table and wiped her face. She was white, clammy. How long was labor supposed to last anyways? She said that she still had a while? 

“Did I hurt you, Rey?” Ben whispered. He didn’t remember when but he’d fallen back to his knees. 

She turned to him, searched his face. She nodded. Ben felt like his heart was tearing in two. How? Why? He forced himself to ask, “Was it an accident?” 

“Ben, I don’t know what you are playing at, but she is already dealing with enough right now. She can’t handle you playing amnesia right now,” Han spat. He stepped around Ben and gave Rey a glass of water, and a tissue. Rey now had rivulets of tears added to the sweat, and had turned her head back towards the window, pointedly not looking at him. But he hadn’t averted his eyes, and saw her shake her head no. 

Just minutes passed until Rey contracted again, then they lasted longer and came closer together. “It’s time,” Rey panted out. 

Han nodded, and ran out of the room. “Don’t touch her, or I will cut off your balls.” The comment would have been hilarious any other time, especially the fact that Han considered that the most serious threat besides death. 

Han was back, pulling long gloves up his arms. “The doctor is dead, and the droids are in pieces. I’ll have to catch the baby.” Rey just nodded. She lay back on the bed, and opened her legs. She pushed with all her might and after a few minutes a tiny cry rang out in the room. Han laid the baby on Rey’s chest, and Ben stood up to see his child. It was a boy. 

After a few minutes, Han came to Rey’s side. “I need to check him out, and cut the cord, okay?” Rey seemed reluctant, but finally handed the baby over. 

Han laid the baby on the bed, cut the cord, ran a hand through the baby’s hair, then Han put his hand on the baby’s face, cupping his tiny cheek. “I’d hoped it would be a girl,” Han whispered. “More like Rey and less like Ben. Then I wouldn’t have to do this.” 

Ben had a sinking feeling in his stomach and jumped to his feet. Just in time to see the hand that had so gently cupped the baby’s face jerk it violently to the side. Ben could hear the bones snap and he vomited everywhere. 

Right before the darkness took him under, he felt a searing pain on his face, the exact place he’d seen the scar on Rey’s face. 

When he came back to the darkness this time, he was covered in vomit. Ben felt helpless and devastated. As long as he lived he would never forget the sight of his baby’s lifeless eyes staring at nothing. He pounded his fist on the ground. There were no walls to punch, no other people to take his rage out on. He couldn’t move otherwise he would probably have ended his own life. He embraced the pain, and there was plenty of it. The bones of his arms--right above the elbows--felt like they had holes ripped through them but somehow they were still attached. His lungs were still on fire, there was still blood on his face, and he carried a scar to match Rey’s--his face felt charred, scraped raw. 

The light gave him no more time to recover. He was on a snowy landscape, a red saber in his hand, and he was circling Rey. She had a fierce look on her face, and screamed as she ran toward her.  _ Kill her. She is holding you back. Look at the light she clings to. She can’t join us. She will only destroy our plans, Vader’s plans, for the galaxy.  _ NOW! Ben blocked her, and held his hand up to freeze her in place. He advanced on her, and raised his lightsaber, and it descended towards her neck. Just as it was about to sever her head, she broke from his hold. It instead pressed into her face. The smell of burnt flesh and hair overwhelmed him. He looked at her, and saw the woman he loved. He turned and ran. He had seen this scar before, and he couldn’t bear this weight. 

Ben saw another flash of light, and it was Rey again. He was pulled in, and it felt like his bones were being stripped from his bones. When he appeared, it was a desert landscape. Jakku, he believed. The dual timeline was killing him, too much for a brain to take. His mom dying in his arms, from the wound he gave her. Vader choking him spewing all of Ben’s fears in his face. The sight of the scar that Ben gave her. The face of his son staring lifelessly into space, killed by the hands of his grandfather. 

Ben pulled himself to his feet, and when he failed, he crawled on his knees. He was looking for something, anything. A way out of the pain. A way to die. It would save those around him. It would redeem him. He crawled, one hand in front of another until he saw something. It was part of a ruined ship. He pulled himself over the side and saw his salvation-- his death. There was a busted front window, deadly jagged edges everywhere. He just had to get to standing and throw himself down. Inch by inch he pulled himself up, his hands burning on the sun scorched steel, his mouth parched, and every wound he’d received was pounding, aching, burning, throbbing, bleeding. He didn’t know how he wasn’t dead already. But he was about to fix that. 

But as he fell, he was somehow out of his body. He wanted to scream. It had almost been over. But he looked up and he saw Rey had taken his place and was falling straight on to the glass. 

He summoned the force, and this time it was finally in his control. He aimed a blast towards Rey, to stop the descent to the shards that would bleed her out. Time slowed to a crawl, and he watched as she dropped centimeter by centimeter. The force wasn’t getting there fast enough. He tried to run, but he too was in slow motion. 

Something felt off, he heard a voice calling him. Luke’s. Not a younger Luke, but the one that came into the temple with him. The temple! This was a test. But stars, how was he supposed to meditate in a time like this? He tried and screamed at the force to stop this, to save Rey. Even though it was probably a vision, he was afraid that the timelines he saw could somehow affect what happens when they leave the temple. 

He felt tendrils in his mind. The light swirling around him, and he pulled it all into himself.  _ Help me, help me. Save her. Let me out of this vision.  _ He saw the glass barely pierce the skin of vision Rey before he felt a great whoosh. It was like his free fall in reverse. He closed his eyes and took calming breaths. The best he could manage anyways. He blacked out. 

When he woke, he was cradled in Luke’s arms. Ben took inventory of his body, which was still beaten. The lightsaber scar on his face, his neck from the crushed windpipe, the barbs in his arms and legs. And the newest one, a piercing pain in his stomach from his/Rey’s stomach making contact with the glass. And the stickiness of blood on his face, and the image of the baby’s eyes burnt on the back of his eyelids. 

“Force, Ben. What happened?” 

“Everything. What did you see?” 

“Nothing,” Luke answered. “What did you see?” 

Ben shook his head, and pulled himself to his feet. He was sobbing and couldn’t stop. He was injured, he knew that, but he was still confused. He had to know. But Ben couldn’t bring himself to ask about Rey or the baby. “Is Mom… Is Leia alive?” he asked quietly. 

“Yes. Why?” Luke said, turning to look at Ben. Ben needed medical attention, but the wounds somehow looked fresh and old at the same time. His heart hurt because based on his question, Ben had gone through hell. Luke has only seen him fall to the floor, and then within a blink of an eye, Ben was still laying on the floor, but he was in a pool of vomit. As Luke took inventory he saw that Ben’s face had a long scar, so dark it looked black bisecting his face. On the other cheek there was a bloody handprint, his neck was fresh with bruises, the imprint of hands much larger than Rey’s. There was blood on his upper arms, his side, and his ankles. Nothing was actively bleeding so Luke hoped that they could hurry up and get the artifact and get his nephew out of this nightmarish place. 

“Something I saw,” Ben muttered. A silence stretched between the two, Luke trying to process what had happened while trying to figure out what to do next. While simultaneously trying to give Ben time to stop crying and compose himself enough to go on. 

Ben wanted out of this evil place, and he tensed his muscles to run, but then Rey’s face formed in his mind. She needed him, or she would be lost to the darkness. He took a deep breath and pushed his pain down. He knew that it wouldn’t be ignored for long, no matter if it was a vision or not, but for now, he needed to finish this. 

The wayfinder in his pouch was pulsing and he pulled it out to see what awaited them next. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **End notes: For anyone who wanted to skip this chapter, I feel ya. It was hard to write, but this is a sith trap so I couldn’t go easy. This is revealing so much about Ben’s fears and will hopefully just make him stronger in the end rather than making the mistakes in the real timeline. 
> 
> Summary: This chapter is filled with force visions. Ben sees himself killing Leia as an adolescent, Vader force chokes him after taunting him for being a failure. Then Ben sees himself giving Rey a scar (think Kylo Ren’s in the movie), and Han kills their baby. He tried to kill himself but then he saw Rey almost dying in his place. 
> 
> He breaks out of the visions--finally. But he still has the pain and physical marks (including a transference of the scar) of what happened to him. 


	44. Mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Last time on WO: Ben had horrific visions that left physical marks on him and emotional scars. But he breaks out of it and they are ready to continue and GTFO**
> 
> Canon violence

“Okay, Luke. This thing is pulsing. I don’t like pulsing in this place, by the way.” 

Luke looked at Ben with sympathy. “Me either. Let’s go though, the sooner we finish, the sooner we get out.” He took the wayfinder from Ben and tried not to look at Ben’s face. He hoped that these scars and marks would disappear when they left, but somehow he doubted it. A place like this has a cost. He just regretted that he couldn't be the one to bear it. Although, they hadn’t gotten out yet. 

Ben walked behind Luke, his feet dragging slightly. Without realizing it, he also had his wrist cradled and his shoulder hunched from his previous injury. Luke for once was walking faster and when he turned to look at his nephew his heart dropped. Ben looked so small and defeated. Luke knew that he was over six feet with muscles from his training, but small still somehow fit. 

“Let me heal you,” Luke said, slowing to let Ben catch up. 

“We need you full strength, save the Force for when we need it,” Ben said, giving Luke a weak smile. 

“Do you hear yourself? You need to be physically strong. The amount of force to help you won’t affect me like being in so much pain will hinder you,” Luke’s voice was firm, leaving no room for argument. 

Ben finally nodded, he hated to admit that he was weak or needed help, but now wasn’t the time to be bullheaded as his mom said. The icy feeling of healing rushed through him and it wasn’t perfect but Ben had to admit that he felt better and could keep up with Luke. As they looked around they found no other exits except the two doors, that they had come in through. “Well, I guess that’s where we need to go,” Ben said, shrugging. He hoped that they didn’t have to backtrack and end up in this kriffing room again. Ben reached out for a door, but it wouldn’t budge. “Do you have the keys?” Ben said, looking at Luke. 

“Yeah.” Luke went up to the door on the right. “The left might just take us back the way we came,” he said as he stuck the key in. The door opened and Ben started to go through. “Let me, just in case. You triggered this one and this one and it’s my turn.” Luke said, pushing past Ben. 

They walked in and were faced with hundreds of mirrors. “What now?” Ben asked. He was afraid to look, but knew this was something they would have to face. 

“I guess we look? Until we find what we need?” Ben hated Luke sounding so unsure especially in a time like then. “I think we should look together.” 

They walked up to the closest mirror and stood in front of it but all they saw was a reflection of themselves. Ben and Luke both raised their lightsabers at once to poke at the mirror and then matching smiles appeared on their faces. Nothing happened, but they weren’t really expecting it to. Ben’s amusement didn’t last long. He was tired of this place and he wanted to be back with Rey. He tugged on the bond and for a second, nothing happened. Then a wave of darkness bounced back to him and he smashed his saber into the mirror, hoping it would shatter and give something physical form to what he was feeling. 

It didn’t shatter but Ben saw himself, alone this time. He was wearing all black and holding something in his hand. He couldn’t quite make out what it was, but it wasn’t important. He was stalking across the room on a stark starship, with a scrawny ginger pressed up against the wall. He looked down to see it was his hand that had his throat closed by the force. All Ben could think of was first Rey’s hands around his neck and then Vader’s force choke. Ben felt sick and turned away from the man, hearing him drop to the ground muttering apologies to the supreme leader. Ben’s hand opened and a red stone fell to the floor. 

He looked up and was disoriented. The mirror had shattered at his feet, and he wasn’t sure if he’d passed or failed some sort of test. He looked around for Luke but he was alone. He caught a glimpse of himself in another mirror and walked up to it. Maybe one of these would be the key to the artifact they needed, and they could get out. 

This time he was the pilot of a fighter. He was flying low over a planet that was red as far as the eye could see. There were all terrain walkers everywhere, surrounding a barricaded abandoned building. His fingers were on the trigger to fire and as he blinked his uncle appeared in his sights. He’d already pressed the trigger in the vision and he watched as blood sprayed from dozens of wounds. Ben screamed “NO!!!” and noticed his transport was headed straight toward the red salty planet. He tried to pull up so he wouldn’t crash land. “Get medical supplies, we need to save him.” His hand opened as he flipped landing sequences and a ring fell from through his fingers. 

Another mirror smashed and another reflection of him. This time some sort of interrogation room. He turned to face who he was supposed to be questioning and it was Rey strapped to the table. She had such hatred in her eyes it almost physically hurt. He was wearing a suffocating mask and it reminded him of his grandfather’s from the holos he had seen. He ripped it off, and strode towards the chair, pulling at Rey’s restraints. He thought she must not have recognized him in the mask, but when he reached up to cup her face, she grimaced and turned away as much as she could in her restraints. His heart hurt, and he never wanted Rey to look at him like that. He whispered he was sorry and went back to trying to open her restraints. Something dug into his hand, and a dagger fell out. Thankfully he was back in the temple in front of another shattered mirror. 

Ben fell to his knees, stomach churning. These visions somehow felt different. In them all he had the scar on his face, which he had not in the  _ other  _ room. So maybe those were his fears, and this is what he could become. He looked around for Luke once more, and saw him inside a nearby mirror. It hurt his heart too. 

Luke had caught sight of Ben with his new scar in a mirror, hovering over Rey in a mask so similar to the one his father wore, and he had to look away. When he looked up, he saw himself laying in his own bed at the academy tossing and turning. He got up, grabbed his saber, and padded barefoot through the academy. He found himself outside Ben’s door, and as he entered his nephew was facing the wall, snoring softly. Luke’s mind raced, he kept seeing a reel in his mind of Ben losing control, hurting other students, and the waves of darkness Luke would feel seeping from his. He raised his lightsaber, knowing this was the best thing for the light, for the universe, and he struck. Just before the killing blow, Ben looked into his eyes, a single tear falling from his eye. But it was too late for Luke to pull back. As soon as he smelled the burning flesh, he fell to his knees placing his hands over Ben’s abdomen, but the damage was done. No matter the amount of healing he poured into the boy, he was gone. Luke howled, wishing the force would take him, and he heard something hit the floor. When he lifted his head, he was on his knees, a shattered mirror in front of him, and his nephew staring at him. Luke had no idea what, if anything, Ben had seen of his vision. 

“Ben… I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Me too,” Ben said, his voice still gravely and hoarse. Ben broke eye contact and turned to his next mirror. He hated what he saw through Luke’s but he also knew what he had done in his own mirrors. He looked up and feared what he would see next. He was on a walkway over empty space, red lights dimly lighting the path across. He held a red, spitting lightsaber in his hands and when he stopped staring at it, he saw his father coming to meet him in the middle. Han was asking him to take off the mask and Ben asked him what he thought he would see. 

“The face of my son,” Han replied. 

“Your son is dead,” Ben heard himself reply. His head was hurting, the icepicks he felt when he would hear the voice tenfold.  _ This is it. Prove your worth. Let go of the past, the light makes you weak. Kill him.  _ “It’s too late,” Ben whispered. 

“It’s not. Come home, we miss you,” Han replied.

“I’m being torn apart, I want to be free of this pain,” Ben said. It felt like his head and heart were being squeezed and then ripped.  _ This will make you stronger. You won’t keep feeling like this. Kill the past. It will stop. _ Ben resolved himself and met Han’s eyes. “I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” He couldn’t bring himself to. Memories of flying in the Falcon with his dad, talking and joking while taking walks around their house, the two of them and Chewbacca always finding something new to repair or customize on the ship. Han lovingly kissing his mom’s temple. Ben tried to shove it down, but his voice cracked anyways. “Will you help me?” 

Han answered yes, and cupped his cheek.  _ Now! You have him there. Don’t be weak and foolish like him.  _ Ben’s head throbbed and he could barely see straight. He ignited his saber and thrust it into Han’s chest. For a brief moment, there was peace and calm in his mind. But it didn’t last. He saw his father’s light go out of his eyes, and watched as he fell over the side of the walkway. Ben scrambled, trying to catch his hand, anything to undo what he’d just done. His helmet fell as Ben’s hands met thin air. 

He was sobbing as he came out of that one. He was sitting on shards of glass, and unable to process in these visions how some part of him was capable of doing this to Han, or his mother from the room prior. He squeezed his eyes shut. Surely there was another way? He could find the sith himself and kill him. That would free him and Rey. 

The temple had other ideas. Ben was somehow on his feet, looking into a new mirror. 

Ben was in a darkened throne room, with a scarred, emaciated being seated above him. Ben wore the dark robes and mask from earlier, and he could feel a place carved out in his head. It was full of darkness, so much more than he’d ever felt before. He kneeled before him, and he could feel claws ripping through his mind, looking for something. Then it stopped. 

The man, the sith Ben assumed, laughed as he waved his hand and Rey floated towards him. It looked like she was being drawn to him by an invisible hook in her chest. Her back was arched and the only thing that touched the floor was the tips of her toes. 

“She has the spirit of a true Jedi, and for that she must die. My apprentice, heir of Darth Vader, I sense your strength and resolve where there was only weakness. Complete your training and fulfill your destiny,” Ben picked up his lightsaber at his feet. The Supreme Leader had been right, he was able to turn more towards the dark after Han. Rey could not be allowed to live. Either him or her had to die. He stood and walked towards her.  _ Push down those feelings, I know that you are ready. You are putting weakness aside.  _

Ben found himself repeating “I know what I have to do,” just like when Han had died. No, like when he’d killed him. Rey was breathing hard, staring into his eyes, but not saying anything. But then she whispered his name, and he pictured how he loved to hold her, kiss her, talk to her. It was her. Everything was for her. 

Ben turned his lightsaber towards Rey, while subtly twirling his hand, pointing it towards the sith’s side. 

“I see him turning the lightsaber to strike, igniting it and kills his true enemy.” 

Ben ignited the saber, and cut the sith in half. Rey fell to the floor, and Ben on his knees beside her. She met his eyes, smiled, and pressed something into his hands. 

Ben stood in the temple once again, looking around for Rey. He’d just seen her and she had given him a smile so full of light and so  _ Rey. _ But he was alone. Something metal cut into his hand, and he looked at it. It was triangular, a dull gray color, and didn’t seem to be anything special. But he’d dropped other things before coming out of the mirror, so he kept hold of it. All but two mirrors had disappeared. He stood, deliberating. He didn’t see Luke anywhere, and he was afraid if he saw himself he might lose what the last mirror had sent him out with. 

The metal in his hand warmed as he stepped towards the mirror on the right, so he stepped closer. Luke was in it, holding up the wayfinder. He said something but Ben couldn’t hear him. Ben saw that the triangular object in his hand would fit something and Luke seemed to be beckoning Ben to join him. Ben hoped this wasn’t a trap, but he didn’t know what else to do, so he walked up to the mirror and stepped through. Luke hugged him as soon as he stepped through and then held up the wayfinder. “They match, don’t they?” 

Ben nodded. He took the wayfinder from Luke, and it was pulsing like he’d never felt it do before. He fit it in, and realized that this must be the two pieces of the artifact. 

As soon as they joined, his brain went white. 

  
  
  
  
  


AN: I know, I know. I used scenes from the movies, and I changed some things around to fit my purposes, I hope you’ll forgive it. 


	45. Seeing the Light of day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *AN: This is the last chapter lovelies (there will be an epilogue tomorrow). Just wanted to prepare you. We’re almost there.*
> 
> **Last time on WO: Ben and Luke are faced with a room of mirrors showing “maybes” for their futures. Ben passed the most important with Rey and got the artifact. **

Rey’s eyes opened and she bolted up in bed. “Where’s Ben? He feels lost.” She rubbed her eyes and her hand hurt.  _ Kriff, Both of them do. _ Rey thought, but pushed it down for another time. She was in the Falcon and had no idea why. She just felt strange things through the bond. “He’s hurt, Leia.” She said, meeting Leia’s eyes. 

Rey felt a strange pressure in her mind, and an overwhelming desire to sleep. She had a weird flash of raising her hand and using the force to choke someone. She squinted and it was Han. “Stars, Leia. What did I do? Is Han ok? Is Ben okay? He’s hurt. Badly.” She once again felt the pressure and grabbed whatever it was and pushed it away. She didn’t have time for the sith if that was what it was. She felt so disoriented, Ben’s feelings, her confusion, trying to stay awake.

“Leia? Are you doing that? Stop, we need to help Ben.” 

Leia stared at Rey. She didn’t seem dark like she had before. Nothing dark was radiating from her and she seemed genuinely confused and worried for Ben. Which made Leia worry for Ben. “Han?” she called, wanting to have some muscle since the force sleep and sedatives didn’t seem to be working on Rey. Not that he could stand against the Force either. 

She would tell him to try to contact Luke and Ben to see if they needed help, whether it be rescuing them or hopefully picking them up with a successful mission. And then get him back in the cockpit with Chewie. 

She hated to think of her son in pain, and whatever else Rey was feeling to have her so upset. She decided for now that she would let Rey stay awake. She motioned for the droid to back off with the sedatives but if Rey showed any signs of losing it, they would go at her hard to get her back under. 

“How badly Rey?” Leia asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“His throat, his face, his arms, legs, stars, I can’t find much that doesn’t hurt. And his heart, he’s so burdened, frustrated, angry and oh so sad. Leia, it hurts.” Rey wiped tears from her face, and winced, she’d briefly forgotten about her own pain while dealing with Ben’s. 

Rey tried to send healing and comfort through the bond, but it was closed tightly. “What is going on? Where are we and where is Ben?” Rey said, her voice forceful.

Leia hesitated. “Ben and Luke are in the temple, searching for the artifact. We just got off planet. Everything went according to plan on our end. The Aki Aki helped with the ship and determined they couldn’t do anything for you, so they sent us to the nearest planet with a good med trauma unit.”

Rey had a sinking feeling in her stomach. Then her vision blurred and she could see a room torn to pieces. There was glass and wood everywhere and at the center, she was lunging towards Ben with a fashioned spear and it barely pierced his skin before she saw black. “But why?” she said in a small voice. 

She knew though. She saw her set her hands on fire. Then one hand choking Ben, the other wrenching his arm hard enough she heard a pop. Mostly naked over him and him begging her to stop. Blue bolts from her hands into his body. Ben begging her. The darkness whispering to her, claiming her. She’d lost days and was so far gone that they’d moved up their trip to Onderon. Ben was hurting. Because of her. She emptied her stomach until she was dry heaving. 

Then the bond stretched, and Rey couldn’t feel Ben. It wasn’t like when they put walls up, it was a blankness, a sense of emptiness where he should be. Surely she would know if he wasn’t alive… right?

“Leia. I can’t feel him. Leia! Somethings wrong. I don’t feel his pain, I don’t feel his walls, he’s not there,” Rey exclaimed, her voice rising in pitch with panic. 

“What do you mean ‘he’s not there.’ Did the Damerons pick them up?” Han said, hoping for the best. His son couldn’t be gone. They’d just started to fix things. Han knew he screwed up with Ben, going off for months at a time, and not trying hard enough to connect with his son. 

“I don’t feel him in the bond. Leia, I would know if he… If he didn’t make it?” Rey said, from her spot near the trash bin. 

“No, he’s alive. Luke too. There wasn’t a disturbance in the force, and there would be a huge one if either of them didn’t make it,” Leia said. It was a comfort but it didn’t abate her worry about what they might be facing that would cut off a force bond.

“Okay. Okay. I am going to see if I can contact the Damerons. They can do some recon. If they don’t see anything, we’ll comm Ben and Luke. I don’t want to disturb their… artifact findings, but we might ought to,” Han said, relieved to have something to do. He was glad his son was alive, and everything else would work out somehow. Plus, he didn’t really know what to do with the pair of crying women. 

“Shara? Do you have Ben and Luke?” Han called over the comlink. 

“No, did they contact you?” Shara answered after a beat. 

“Negative. Rey, she’s awake and light again, we think. Rey thinks they are in trouble.”

“We’ve pulled back a bit, so the Aki don’t see us lurking. They are regrouping, which might make extraction… interesting. We’ll do a sweep, make sure they haven’t been captured, or the temple isn’t in shambles. Or…”

“Shut up Poe,” Shara said. “Give me the damn comm. We’ll check it out.”

“Copy,” Han answered. He turned to Chewie. “Let’s land. Just in case we need to go back.” Chewie chuffed and punched in a landing sequence. 

Rey sat in the floor and rocked back and forth. She felt so many things at once, guilt and shame being the top of the list. But she tried to push that down. She needed to be strong for Ben. The bond still felt empty, but she focused all of her energy into pushing love, comfort and light into it. _He's not dead. He's not dead._ She chanted to herself over and over. _Stay that way. Everything else, we'll work out._

****

“Ben?” Luke said, shaking his shoulders. His nephew being unconscious was something he was weary of seeing. He pushed healing but he didn’t feel it did any good. The artifact had clicked together, and Luke had felt an immense blast of light. Part of it seemed to rebound into Ben and the rest dissipated, Luke sincerely hoped it was to Rey. Although Ben still being out was slightly worrisome. 

Luke assessed the room, the mirrors were gone save for one. He picked up Ben with the help of the force and although it was ungainly since Ben was so much taller and had a bigger build than Luke, they made steady progress to the remaining mirror. He peered through the mirror and saw a secluded balcony jutting over a section of the temple. He couldn’t see over it or much besides a narrow peek at what they might be facing, so he clicked the com five times fast. “We’re ready to fly. Sending our beacon. Let me know when you’re one minute out. Ben is… not awake right now.” 

“Copy,” Shara’s voice crackled. “Headed your way already.” 

  
  


**** 

Ben opened his eyes to see Poe. His arms were around him, and he had an uncharacteristic worry line between his brows.

“You finally have me in your arms, and you’re this unhappy?” Ben said, voice cracking and rough. It still surprised Ben how it irritated his throat whenever he spoke. 

“Buddy! Welcome back. I saved your ass. Well, mom helped. But still,” Poe replied, his charming smile back in place. 

“Luke?”

“I’m here. How are you?”

“Good, I feel… Light. Force. Rey! Where’s Rey? Is she…”

“She doesn’t believe us that you’re okay. We’re taking you to your girl,” Poe said. “She’s feisty, that one, I like her.”

“Did we get out okay? The Aki?” Ben started to ask. 

“Alive, every single one of them. Shaken, and they will probably tighten up security to no end,” Luke answered. 

“Please tell me you didn’t forget something because I’m an ace pilot, but trying to be stealthy while hauling your heavy sleepy ass is not easy,” Poe joked. He’d finally let Ben go, and he pushed to a sitting position. 

Ben searched the bond and it was a sweet relief. It was wide open, and it led him right to Rey. His Rey, so full of light and life. She was worried, in pain, feeling regretful, and ashamed but she had lost the haze of darkness, and it was just her. ‘ _ Sweetheart?’ _ He tried to send his thoughts to her. It didn’t always work, but he hoped it would. Even so, he sent love, comfort, reassurance and forgiveness through their connection. 

_ ‘BEN? Force, Ben! I’m so sorry. I love you. Where are you? I’M SOR…’ _ Her voice boomed through, but he’d never heard something so sweet. Her thoughts had cut off, but he now felt an overwhelming sense of relief. 

“Are we almost there? I need to see her,” Ben said, his desperation apparent. 

“Two minutes, hang in there dude,” Shara said. “I’m glad this worked out, and we could help. Poe is of course disappointed but he says you are happy and in love with Rey.”

“I am, Shara, I am.” 

****

When the ramp finally touched ground, Ben was off. The Falcon was close, but not close enough. Rey was in his mom’s arms and he couldn’t get to her fast enough. She turned, and smiled so big. When she started running he braced to catch her. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed everything she could reach. 

“Ben, I’m so sorry,” she said, when she pulled away. Then she really saw him. The right side of his handsome face was now bisected with a dark, angry scar. It was well healed, so Rey was confused about how that worked. Unless he had been in the temple for a long time and she had been sleeping for an equal amount. But she didn’t think he looked any older and they had still been in space so close to Onderon. But that was a conversation for later. Because then she saw his neck, it was black and blue, and she knew that things had to have happened there too. There were handprints, but they were far too big to be hers. She still felt guilty about that. She would never hurt him while she was in her right mind, but it was something that she would have to carry. 

His cloak and tunic was wet with blood, the scent strong. She probed with healing but again, nothing was a new injury. She sent healing to him, and though it did little, it still made her feel a little better. She couldn’t stop the tears though. They were a strange mixture: tears of happiness and relief that they were in each other’s arms again, but ladened with sadness at how she’d hurt him and his family.

“Rey, stop sweetheart. It’s not your fault,” Ben whispered, pulling her close to his chest. He probed the bond, and reveled in the fact that it was wide open for him. Her beautiful light was back and their connection was as strong as ever. He would pay any price for that. The physical pain would fade, and the emotional trauma would too especially since he could see that his family was alive and Rey was unharmed. 

"But it is. I'm the one who couldn't resist the dark. I hurt you, I hurt Han. You would have more time to prepare..."  
  


"Rey," Ben said, cupping her face in his hands. "Do you forgive me?" 

"For what?" She asked, incredulous. 

"For pushing the dark into you, for taking your light. That is what happened, you know. I lost control and I... Pulled it from you. That is why. You didn't lose control. I took it." 

"But..."

"You do, right? Forgive me?"

"Yes, there's nothing to forgive," Rey said. She knew where he was going with this, but it did little at the moment to calm the guilt. But they would get there. She would get there. She had Ben and they had broken the sith's hold. 

"Don't you think it's the same for you?" Ben said. He lowered his face to hers and kissed her softly on the lips. 

"Alright love birds, let's get out of here," Han called from the ramp. 

They settled into the Falcon and curled up together in Ben’s bunk. Their time back to the academy was a mix of quiet connection, and Rey urged him to tell her what happened in the temple. He was reluctant; both to relive it and to place any burden on her. He could tell though that it was something that she needed, and he knew deep down that he did too. 

It was a bittersweet journey but they were together and they had conquered the dark. 

  
  


THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: The will be an epilogue. Don’t worry, I can’t leave our favorite awkward space couple virgins after all. What kind of mature Reylo author would I be if I did?
> 
> Besides that, let me know, is the ending okay?? I was nervous but I felt like the meat of the story was over, and the last line just felt like it was time.***


	46. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *AN: Thank you to my readers, especially to those who have commented and kept me smiling while it was still a WIP. This story felt like it needed to be told, and I had so much fun writing this. If you’re new here, reading after complete, I would love to hear from you too.
> 
> Also, the prior scenes of self love and exploring each other were my first time writing limes and this is my first full out lemon. Give me grace.*
> 
> **Last time on WO: They are reunited (and it feels so good…) after destroying the sith artifact and it freed them from the darkness that invaded their minds and bond. They are connected again, and headed back to the academy.**

“Rey?” Ben whispered in her ear. When she opened her eyes, he smirked and nibbled on her ear. She shivered and curled into his chest. 

“Hmm?” She mumbled, half asleep.

“You’re beautiful, did you know that?” He kissed his way down her neck, stopping often to gently suck, but not hard enough to leave a mark. More like hard enough to drive her crazy. He returned to her ear, and licked it. “ I love you,” he whispered.

Rey’s heart hammered and she sat up to look in his eyes. They shared a bond, and sent feelings back and forth constantly and occasionally spoke into each other’s mind. So it shouldn’t surprise her. But it did. She loved him, of course she did, but they had never said it out loud. 

“Ben,” she sighed. She leaned forward and kissed his scar, every single inch of it. Now it was his turn to shiver. The skin was super sensitive. At first it made him self conscious, that she didn’t find him attractive any more. He doubted his looks on the best of days, but to have something that prominent on his face… Well, it didn't help. But then she told him it just reminded her of his strength, his devotion. Just how much he would endure for her--to free their minds from the darkness and ensure they could live without negative influence and the fear that came with it. What if they lost control  _ again? _ Said or did something that couldn’t be taken back  _ yet another time.  _

All this passed through his mind as she gently showered him with kisses, first over the scar, then his cheeks, and finally to his lips. He wasn’t sure of the tone she’d said his name, so he wasn’t sure if he should have kept his mouth shut. But he wanted to tell her, speak it out loud instead of in feelings through the bond. For her to know without a shadow of a doubt.

“I love you too,” she breathed, not really letting their lips disconnect. “So much.” He smiled on her lips and deepened their kiss. He swirled his tongue with hers, and gave a low hum. The bond surged with desire, sharp and strong. He liked knowing just how much he affected her. She shifted her hips, seeking friction, and curled her legs around his thigh. Even through all the clothes he felt her heat, and stifled a delicious shudder. 

They kissed and what started a sweet give and take, escalated to soft nips and tongues battling for dominance until Rey broke away and gasped for air. The hands that had been clenching his tunic roamed down his chest, exploring the dips and planes of his chest and stomach. He was toned, his body warm from sleep and it felt wonderful under her hands. 

“Take this off,” she whispered. She pulled away a bit so he could pull it over his head. She'd seen him without his shirt before, but still she couldn't help but stare as inch by inch was revealed. She couldn't believe this handsome man loved her. He threw the shirt to the floor. Then he waved his hand to make sure his door was locked because he might severely injure anyone who barged through that door. Her hands went back to exploring. She traced over his nipples and she thought he was going to jump off the bed. She spent time there, teasing him and swirling around like he did to her. Then they dipped lower and she traced the v shape between his hips, leading lower. To a place she’d seen through a force connection but never really explored. Ben moaned and it encouraged her. Her fingers of one hand slipped under his pants, and the other rested on his chest. Her hand brushed against his length over his underwear, and Ben stiffened. Rey was curious at how it sort of twitched in her hand. She found the slit in his underwear and guided him out. She traced the underside and smirked when Ben cursed. “Good?” she said, looking up at him through her lashes. He nodded, eyes half glazed. 

She grabbed him softly, experimentally and slowly dragged her hand up the length of him, stopping to feel the end, where the skin felt different. There was some moisture there and she coated her hand and stroked him downwards. She remembered how he’d touched himself and tried to copy that. Ben was making delightful noises and she figured that she was doing something he liked. She changed up her grip and he hissed. “Yes, Rey,” he muttered. She moved a little faster and soon he was twitching in her hand. Soon her hand was warm with a sticky substance and she smiled, satisfied that she’d been the one to do that. 

Ben pulled her face up to his and she wiped off her hand on the sheets before cupping his face. He kissed her and she pulled away only to take her tunic off. She loved the way their skin felt, bare against each other. She pressed even closer and moved from his mouth to his ear, sucking on it, since she liked it when he did it to her earlier. She was distracted when his hand cupped her breast. 

“Ben?” she whispered. “Could we… I mean… Do you want to…” her face flamed, and she took a deep breath. “I want you. I’m ready if you are. Could we make love?” 

Ben placed a hand on each side of her face and searched her eyes. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes. I love you and I want you in every way,” Rey said, giving him a soft smile. 

Ben swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing down then back up. “Then, yes.” He reached for the tie on her sleep pants and pulled them off. Stars, she wasn’t wearing underwear. Ben had no idea how she decided when she would wear them or not. He silently thanked the force that she had been wearing them the day that she was walking around in only them and a robe. He didn’t want anyone else to see her like this. Once the pants were sufficiently thrown across the room, he traced the curve of her leg back up. He let go and settled on his side, tucking one arm under her head. He let his free hand glide from her face down to her breasts, giving each one attention until they formed peaks. He reached between her legs, and ran his finger from her opening to the firm place that he knew he could tease until she fell apart. He took his time though, making sure that she was wet, and stretching her first with one finger and as she relaxed another. 

“Ben, please,” she whispered, placing her hand on his neck and scratching lightly. 

He was recovering but not quite there yet, only half hard against her thigh. Besides he wanted her to be ready, to reach her pleasure before. Poe mentioned in one of his long winded talks--that Poe went on when Ben was in an introspective mood--that the first time could hurt a bit for girls, and that it was better if they were slick and relaxed first. At the time, it was one of the last things he wanted to hear about, but now it was insider knowledge. Poe also mentioned that some girls couldn’t reach their pleasure during sex, and Ben wanted Rey to, but if not, then at least he could give her this. 

Ben focused his attention on the spot she loved, and teased her with languid circles. She shifted her hips, bucking into his hand. He sped up in increments and before long she was tensing up, her legs shaking slightly. He brought his mouth to her breast and when his mouth closed over her peak, she released; his name escaping from her lips. 

“Now?” she pleaded, opening her eyes and meeting his own. She sent him reassurance and pure  _ need _ through the bond. Ben rose up above her, supporting his weight on one arm, and taking himself in hand. Seeing her orgasm plus a few lazy strokes had him fully hard again. He rubbed himself against her, groaning in pleasure when his tip met her wetness. He stopped suddenly and reached for the side table. He grabbed the condoms and slid one on. He was glad he’d practiced with one a few times when he was alone, so that he could be in this moment and not be so self conscious. He gathered more of her wetness and fumbled around a bit until she whispered “a little further back.” and then he felt her opening. 

He pressed into her a bit, keeping his eyes on her face, gauging her reaction, as well as searching the bond. He felt pure pleasure so he inched in a bit more. He felt a slight barrier, and pushed through. She stiffened and he resisted the urge to just  _ move.  _ She didn’t feel intense pain, but he waited until it abated and she nodded. 

Rey adjusted to the sheer size of him. She felt so full, so _right._ He pulled out a bit and pushed back in slowly. She grabbed his shoulders and pushed up into him, wanting more. She’d been nervous when Leia mentioned pain, but it really was just a sharp tear and then it faded. Then she remembered something else that Leia had talked about that day. “Oh, um. Is that… What you put on… oh _force_ Ben,” she moaned, before continuing to talk. “Some kind of birth control? Leia mentioned… But I didn’t ever, uh do it,” she muttered. She felt feverish and giddy, rambling but also not wanting to be saying anything besides Ben’s name. Or maybe some well timed curses. She prayed that it was, because she did not want to stop. 

“Yes. Relax sweetheart,” he answered, leaning down to press a kiss on her lips. She’d tensed up right before she asked, presumably taken out of the moment briefly. 

“Good. Now, can you do that again?”

Ben chuckled, and then he did. Rey’s eyes rolled back in her head a little bit, and she lost herself to feeling. Ben couldn’t believe how tight she was. It was such a hot, wet pressure and her moans were going straight to his head. He made the mistake of looking down where they were joined and the ways her thighs were spread and her hips came up to meet him. He almost came at the sight of him disappearing inside her. But he wasn’t done with her yet. He closed his eyes for a moment before slowing down just a bit and meeting her eyes. 

Emotions and spikes of pleasure flew back and forth, and while they were like this, they got lost in each other, joined in body and in mind. A circle where they weren’t quite sure where one ended and the other began. He supported himself with one arm again, and reached down to hitch her leg over his hip, and they both gasped at the new angle. 

Rey moaned as he thrusted in, his pubic bone pressed against her in the most delicious way. She threw her other leg up and locked them together. He was still setting a slow, gentle pace, but Rey wanted more. She rocked up to meet him and he hit some spot inside her that she’d never felt. White blurred at her vision, and she felt like lightning was coursing through her veins, all meeting together at the places they were joined, and she exploded. “Ben! Force!” she exclaimed.

Ben felt her clenching all around him and a fresh wave of wetness coated them both. There were waves of pressure and when she called his name, he couldn’t hold back anymore and he spilled into her. He rode out their orgasms, thrusting slowly until it was too sensitive. He felt boneless and he rested some of his weight on her. 

Rey tried to calm her breathing and heart rate. It was more than she imagined being with Ben that way. And she never wanted to leave the bed. She pushed at him a bit as more and more of his weight came on her. He rolled to the side and when he pulled out she felt so empty and wished that she wouldn’t have had him move. He pulled her into him, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and they lay silently in each other’s arms, sated and feeling complete. 

  
  


*** ***

“Do you think that Luke will be disappointed?” Rey whispered. She fiddled with her power cell. She was stalling. She had been stalling for a long time, actually. Ben had finished his lightsaber almost a year ago, on the way to Onderon. But something about it felt dishonest to her. Luke fully believed in the Jedi Code, and although he never said anything to discourage their bond and attachment, it went against what he taught. Ben and Rey talked this in circles, and he had even put off joining the others in his year for their knighting ceremony. He declined, at the time saying that he wanted to wait for Rey, and take that step with her. 

It just felt like their place wasn’t at the academy. That would mean that they were teaching students one thing, but living another way. Or that they would be on missions in the public eye, and it just felt wrong to call themselves Jedi since they were together. Nothing could separate them, and they weren’t going to keep their relationship a secret. 

“Rey,” Ben said softly. “Don’t you think he already knows?” 

“No! Do you?” She was distracted, but her hands were so used to fixing things, that she’d assembled the rest of her parts besides the crystal.

“Yes. No one really turns down their knighting ceremony. Except those who decide not to fully accept the Jedi way of life.”

“Well, why would he encourage me to build my saber? Or to keep learning?” Rey asked. 

“He might want you to have a saber, no matter what you choose. Or he doesn’t want us to feel like he is making a decision for us, since we haven’t really talked to him about it.”

“Maybe. So I should finish this no matter what we decide?” Rey looked down and fussed with a few wires. They were perfectly in place, but she still liked to have something to do with her hands. 

“Yes. Yes, I do. My mom didn’t finish her training you know? She made her saber, but she left it with Luke because her place in the senate wasn’t really a place to tote around a saber.” 

“Have you heard from your mom lately?” Rey asked. Leia went back to being much more active again in the senate after Onderon. She was assembling a group to help keep the new order in check, and she had Han and some other trusted people including Poe and Shara running missions to get allies and try to keep peace. 

“Yep. Same old, trying to single handedly keep peace in the galaxy,” Ben joked. There was true humor in this voice, such a change from when Rey first started talking to him. He’d held a lot of pain and resentment for her for years, feeling second place to her duty. “Han and Chewie are… Well, doing what they do best. Causing trouble but in ways to help mom instead of give her gray hair.”

“That’s good,” Rey answered. But Ben could tell that she was still troubled and deep in thought. 

“We can talk to him first if you want,” Ben said, trying to make Rey feel better. He knew she wanted to finish but also that she was carrying a lot of guilt. 

Rey didn’t answer, instead she took another hard look at the crystal and fit everything together. She stood and took a starting stance. She ignited her blade and it lit up a soft green. She smiled but quickly powered it off. 

“So if we don’t follow the Jedi path, what do we do?” Rey asked. 

“Anything we want.” 

*** ***

Anything they wanted included helping Leia in all sorts of capacities. Rey tried to do some senatorial work with Leia, but hated it. She begged off to join Ben doing aid/covert information gathering runs with Poe. She loved piloting and was better than Ben, which he was sore about, but not quite as skilled at Poe, which made them both grumpy. And it didn’t help that Poe wouldn’t  _ ever _ shut up about it. 

But Rey kept going back to tinkering. She would find something to repair from the base, or even better in her opinion, something to modify. Ben shouldn't have ever worried about Han letting her help, because he loved having Rey around and they both had ideas to bring to the table. Constantly challenging each other and giving the Falcon mods that no one would ever suspect. 

One day she was with Han, grease covering her hands, when she bolted out from under the hyperspace capacitor, hands over her mouth, to the fresher. When she came out after emptying what felt like every single thing she’d ever eaten from her stomach, she glared at Han, who looked smug. He was studying her with a smirk on his face, one identical to Ben’s.

“What?” She snapped. Rey was grumpy and brushed past him to get something to drink. 

Han decided to start small. “Did you happen to look in the mirror before you came out?” He couldn’t hide the amusement in his voice. 

“No, I was kinda busy,” she said. She poured some juice in a cup, the only thing she seemed to be able to handle in the mornings without it making an appearance. She swiped at her cheek, but only succeeded at smearing it even more. 

Han handed her a cloth, and she scrubbed her face, still glaring at him. “Sick again?” he asked. 

“Yeah, I guess I should see a med droid, it's been constant for a while now,” Rey muttered. 

“I know. You’ve been with me the last two weeks. When is Ben coming home?” 

“Later today,” she answered, finishing her juice.

“So, he doesn’t know?” Han asked. 

“No, I didn’t want to worry him while he’s on his mission. I miss him though,” Rey answered. It was the longest they’d been apart, but she just wasn’t up to joining them. She’d been so tired, even before her stomach started to rebel against her.

“You know, Leia was sick like this in the mornings a lot. It was about twenty seven years ago,” Han said.

“Okay…” Rey said slowly. Why on earth would he talk about something so long ago? 

Han was having too much fun. But he decided to be more direct, maybe push the girl to realize what he was nearly certain of. “So, have you gotten a new regular doctor here?”

“No, I haven’t really seen anyone since we left the academy,” Rey huffed. “I think the droids here can handle a stomach virus.”

“It’s been what? four years ago? Since you left the academy?”

“Yeah,” Rey was getting a little antsy. It wasn’t like her and Han didn’t talk. They did. About more than ships and parts sometimes. But usually while they were working on ships.

Apparently Han was still being too subtle. “When did you and Ben start sleeping together?”

Rey’s face turned bright red, and she felt around for something to throw at him. He was lucky it was just the grease cloth. “Force, Han. What’s with the seventh degree?”

“Have you guys been using condoms lately?”

“The hell? Han, you really should call Leia if you want to talk about sex. But no, I have an implant…. Oh kriff… Do you really think? It’s been  _ five  _ years? Have you said anything to him? He’s going to freak. Do you think he’ll be mad? I mean, we’ve talked about kids, but only kinda abstractly.”

“Whoa, slow down kid. I haven’t said anything. It really only occurred to me yesterday. You don’t seem sick in the evenings and then sure enough, it was back this morning.”

***

“I’m going to ask her,” Ben said, entering their landing sequence from the co-pilot seat. 

“You’ve been saying that for months now. Hasn’t she caught on to anything through your connection?” Poe said, raising his eyebrows. 

“She’s been a little distracted lately. Maybe she needs time apart instead of getting closer? She said she was exhausted and didn’t want to come with us so she didn’t slow us down. Do you think she’ll say no?”

“That girl thinks you hung the stars, she’ll say yes.”

Ben fiddled with the ring in his pocket. Poe was right, he’d been wanting to do this for awhile now. They were already joined in so many ways, and he wanted it to be official. Besides, just calling her his girlfriend seemed… Well, not enough. He locked down his end of the bond, not wanting her to know something was up.

As soon as they landed, he felt the bond, and followed her signature. It gave him a general sense and then it flared as they got closer. She was sitting outside, leaning against a tree, her hand idly running back and forth the grass. He pressed a kiss on her cheek, and got on his knees. 

“Rey. I love you. You’re everything to me and I want to spend the rest of our lives together. Would you marry me? Be Mrs. Rey Solo?”

She crumpled and started weeping. Ben opened the bond and felt guilt, heavily coating their bond. 

“He… he told you didn’t he?” Rey sniffled. 

He put his arms around her and she buried her face into the side of his neck. “Who? Rey, who told me what?” The guilt through the bond and her negative reaction to his question caused his stomach to drop. Was there someone else? Is that why she’d decided not to come. But surely not?

“I didn’t know until today. He suspected, but I… Well, I don’t want you to marry me just because… I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” 

Rey was making no sense. “Know what? What are you sorry about?”

“I wanted to get married because we wanted to, not because of something unplanned. And I know you would have wanted to make the decision together,” Rey said through tears. 

“I do want to marry you. Why else would I ask?”

“Because Han told you about the baby, I know he did. It’s okay, Ben. I’m not mad at him.”

“What baby? Mom’s too old… Wait, are you pregnant with our baby?” Ben cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. 

  
  


“You’re not mad?” Rey asked. She pulled away and studied his face. He was smiling so big that she couldn’t help smiling back.

“No, how could I be? A baby is a part of us both.” 

Rey wiped her eyes and nose on her tunic and felt a huge sigh of relief. “So, you asked me, and you had no idea?” 

“None. I have been driving Poe crazy. I couldn’t decide when or how to ask you.”

“Then, yes. Yes, Ben Solo, I will marry you.”

*** ***

They married two months later; at twilight on Naboo, where Leia had inherited a home and land from her grandmother. Rey’s belly bump was just starting to show, and to Ben, she’d never looked so beautiful. Her face was beaming, and framed in the dying sunlight. They were surrounded by Ben’s family and a few close friends like Poe and Shara. 

They lived in the house by the lake, gave birth to a son and daughter, born just over a year apart. Aloryia and Tristan. When they started showing signs of the force awakening in them, Rey and Ben took up their lightsabers, and went to the academy with them. Luke was more open than they ever imagined he would be to relaxing the old Jedi code, leaving room for attachment, love, passion, desire. And teaching them to acknowledge anger, fear and how to channel them in a way where the light still prevailed. 

The alliances that Leia had managed to make, and the new order of Jedi spread hope and light throughout the galaxy. Rey and Ben had broken the power of the Sith when they broke the artifact. Without the dark power, the cells of fanatics who called themselves the first order was quelled. 

After teaching and shaping the academy, Ben and Rey left it to Luke and his promising group of Jedi Masters, who had great ideas about the future of the academy and how new Jedi could work with the senate to keep peace. 

They returned to their lake house. And spent lots of time fixing and modifying ships. But most of all, they spend a lot of time in bed. And in the shower. In the lake. On the porch. Breaking things with the Force in the forest (trust me, even the more relaxed Luke would not approve of this inappropriate use.) And resting (yeah right.) 

The years passed them by, and they watched their children turn into fine adults. Aloryia took up medicine and Tristan took up the family trade of being a mechanic. Rey and Ben couldn't have been prouder of them. They watched Leia, Han and Luke become one with the force, passing quietly and quickly, surrounded by love and Leia was proud to say peace in the galaxy. 

Through it all, Rey and Ben never got tired of basking in the light, love and connection between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AN: I'm not crying--you're crying.   
> But for real, I hope you enjoyed it. I had such fun writing this adorably awkward Ben and Rey and it's bittersweet to post the ending to something like this. Was it the ending you were hoping for? It felt right to me… But for sure let me know. Or say hi. Or let me if there is anything you want to see, I am open to doing some one shots. **


End file.
